We here at Baltimore's Weekliest always seem to wait until the end of the year to bust out the Top 10, so I would like to propose something different for next year. I say, if you want to make a name for yourself in this newspapering game, run your Top 10 in January, see? All the other poop-butt papers and magazines and whatever will wait until the end of the year to tell you what you should like, so why not just get way the fuck out in front and tell the readers what they should like ahead of time. Avoid the rush and stuff, you know? That's what I'm gonna do in 2003, aka next year. Actually, the year 2003 is also in my Top 10 because, hey, quite frankly, the way The Enemy has been blowing shit up and trying to blow shit up this year, it's a bonus just being above ground for another year of fear and uncertainty. I'll take it, man. Another year. Bonus. Party. Thanks a lot, The Enemy. You get on my Top 10 list, too, because all I do is think about you and what you're gonna do to me. It's like, "Damn, I just know The Enemy is gonna fuck up the water supply. Or destroy a bridge I'm gonna drive on. Or explode a crude but effective explosion the next time I'm out there gathering in public, or annihilate my resort vacation spot, if I ever get to go on a resort vacation again."
Another reason Top 10 is in my Top 10 is that when you do a Top 10 thing, you get to have bolded items. Hooray for bolded items! And that reminds me: I have always been a fan of the Red Stripe Beer, but those teevee commercials with the guy saying, "Hooray beer"? Now that's some good teevee commercialin' man. It's, like, beer, you know? How do you advertise it? Beer is basically something you drink to get ignorant. So spare me the hot chicks and the fuzzy-wuzzy good-times-good-friends crapola. You want a friend? Buy a beer. Beer is your friend. That should be the next beer advertisement, and it doesn't matter what brand of beer it is, as long as it's not light beer or that noncarbohydrated beer, because I don't think you get as nice on that stuff. It's gotta be regular beer, beer-beer, and your slogan is something like, "Beer Is Your Friend," or maybe, "Beer: It Unselfishly Makes Those People You Think Are Your Friends Seem Friendlier, so That Means Beer Is Actually Your One True Friend." Anyway, I gotta get it down to 10 words or less for the billboard campaign, and then I'll put it on the eBay and sell it as an "intellectual property" or something. But really, hooray beer, you know?
I would also like to take this very special Top 10 moment to single out Microsoft Word, or, more specifically, the AutoSummarize feature therein. (I rock the Apple computo-box, which, coincidentally, has a new ass-kicking operating system called X, which is pronounced "10," so they get some Top 10 love too.) I pretty much got no beef against Bill Gates; I'm pretty sure I don't work for him or anything, and his Microsoft Word computer word-processing software has provided me with many minutes of quality entertainment when I "AutoSummarize" my own stuff. Observe the Robot Wisdom of the fantabulous Microsoft Word "AutoSummarize," with the controls set for 10 percent:
I love the Top 10 with a love that is honest and true, and so that will be the very first bolded item in my list of things that are both top and 10; the idea of Top 10 itself. You can tell it's a Top 10 if it's bolded, see? Bonus. Hooray for bolded items! It's like beer, you know? Buy a beer. Beer is your friend.
Eventually I will run an entire column of "AutoSummarize" from my old ones. Unless I have already, it's hard to tell, hah? Anyway, here's a couple more Top 10s: Winona Ryder; I had her in last time, and she managed to stretch her shoplifting thing over an entire year. Also Texas Pete Hot Sauce, buying shit on the Internet, and a nice tonic water in a pint glass full of ice with a lime in it. Most refreshing.
Oh, hey, yeah, man, I can't believe it, I almost (but not quite) forgot to love up on my own stuff, d/b/a the Mr. Wrong column with some Top 10-bold in my Top 10, because it's sort of like rendering unto Caesar, you know? I mean, if there's no column, there's no bolded items, eh? Can't have that, even if my column only runs every other week, instead of every week, like practically every other column in this fucking newspaper. Hooray newspaper.
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