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Mr. Wrong

It's Almost Cold & Flu Season

Smell Of Steve, Inc.

By Joe MacLeod | Posted 9/24/2008

I'm not kidding, man: go wash your hands. Right now, seriously, I'm hearing people talking about flu shots, and this year I don't wanna be so sick with a fever (which I, of course, caught from some sick mofo who did not wash his or her hands) that I can't decide whether or not I wanna get a Flu Shot before it's time to actually consider getting a Flu Shot, umkay? I'm washing my hands right now.

I don't believe in any of those bacteria-killing things you wash your hands with, because I subscribe to the theory that those products you buy to kill the bacteria off your hands just increase the odds of some Super-Deluxe Bacterium getting through, and, like, maybe all those low-level bacterias protect us from the Big One, right? Plus, Humans are supposed to have stuff going on in their bodies to deal with attacks from bacteria, yes?

Yeah, I talk a big game; I'm totally afraid of Cold & Flu Season, so please to just go use some regular fucking soap to wash your hands right now and at least decrease the odds I will get the Cold part of Cold & Flu Season from you. Right now I'm not exactly sure I even wanna get a fucking Flu Shot because I went and looked at the, and they got Avian Flu, Canine Flu, Swine Flu, and Pandemic Flu--which is Flu so badass it encompasses All Animals, Pandemically, if you know what I mean. It's like, if you hear the Pandemic is out on the corner, stay the fuck inside and wash your hands--so if I get one Flu Shot, what the fuck is it good for, hah? Which one? It's just called Flu Shot, you know? I guess you can't make shots for every Flu going, so it's just kinda, like, roll the dice and try and come up with the Flu Shot that will cover the most Flu. So, I mean, I know Avian Flu is pretty tough, especially if you are Avian, but what if I go and get the Flu Shot that matches Swine Flu and then some other The Flu comes outta nowhere (like maybe your dirty, filthy hands) and decides to get all Avian on my ass? And who's to say Canine, Swine, and Avian couldn't all gang up and get you airtight, Flu-wise? Man, I bet Flu Shot doesn't do shit for the Pandemic one, you know? Pandemic is just like, "Hey, we Predict a Really Bad Flu could come along this year and wipe out a whole bunch of people, but we don't know if it's from a dog or a chicken or whatever, so just saying, watch out for Pandemic, OK? It's a Real Bad Flu." Great.

And look, I'm not all superstitious or whatever about getting the Flu Shot. I am a Man of Science, and I understand Flu Shot is made outta Dead Flu, and I won't get The Flu from a Flu Shot, but I could get a sore arm and a fever and achy muscles, which is like Flu Jr., but not really the full-on Flu where many of the various excretory and in-cretory stations around the human body become involved. Man, it's a good thing you can't get achy flab, you know? That could end up being like a Personal Pandemic on my ass. I don't know why, but "Pandemic" makes me think about "Personal Pan Pizza" from Pizza Hut. Anyway.

The way things have been going, I'm betting on Pandemic this year, seriously, with all that Arctic Tundra thawing out and those Ancient Dinosaur and Woolly Mammoth germs coming up outta the permanently frosted Tundra? It's gonna be some Extinct fucking Pangea-Pandemic out there where it's 80 degrees in January when it should be 30, right?

Sometimes I think maybe I need to maybe just stop freaking out and maybe it's better to just maybe relax and maybe not worry about all of the people who maybe don't wash their fucking hands and maybe I should just go Out There and maybe get some Flu, just get some, you know, like maybe it'll make me stronger? Then I remember the last time I got the fucking Flu, for a week, and no fucking way, man, I don't wanna fucking get sick on some goddamn Canine-Swine-Avian Personal Pan of Flu, alright? Even generic Flu, man, no fucking way. I just wanna be a Productive Member of Society during Cold & Flu Season, and so should you, even if you don't have a job because you used to work for the Economy or whatever the fuck got bought out by The Government last week with the stocks and whatever. Be Productive by not making me sick, OK? Let's all get behind this concept of Me Not Getting Sick This Cold & Flu Season and, like, if you fucking get sick, stay the fuck home and keep your goddamn Cold and/or Flu to yourself and how about every time you go to the bathroom, think about me, and that should be enough to make you want to wash your hands.,

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