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Mr. Wrong

Keep the Xiuhtecuhtli in Xmas

By Joe MacLeod | Posted 11/20/2002

Aieee!!! No, no, no-ooo!!! This special episode of Baltimore's Most Specialest Alternative Weekly is the thing we call the (gag) Holiday Guide. Ooorrrggg. Oh, my gut. I'm queasy. The only thing more sickening than thinking about the Holidays is thinking about the Holidays well in advance. Sure, you gotta do a little prep work for your Holidays, but come on, they had all the fucking Holiday crap set up in Sears before the pumpkins could rot.

Everybody bitches about the Holidays, but nobody ever does anything about them. I'm part of the same hypocrisy. I work at a paper that papers its pages with Holiday crapola so we can put advertisers in the pages of the paper. I don't have anything against some free enterprise here in the Land of the Mostly Free (Except Now We're Really Being Watched by the Government) and the Home of the Brave, I'm just sick of these fucking Holidays. I mean, I want prizes and games and food and maybe a coupla days off for the Holidays, but why do they always have to happen at the same time? So fucking boring.

Let's mix 'em up, hah? Every year we could put all the Holidays on a big wheel and spin it to see what goes when. No two years the same, unless by chance. Speaking of chance, we could tie all the Holidays into a huge National Wagering Scheme. Tree-huggers bleating incessantly about Arbor Day getting ignored? Not an issue anymore when enough Americans got some cash on when the fuck exactly Arbor Day is gonna actually occur. Plus, we dedicate a gala teevee show to the Holiday event. Get a bunch of celebrities to take turns spinning the wheel, and you can wager on when your favorite Holiday will occur. Yeah! Arbor Day! I had a dime on the Arbor Day-Washington's Birthday (observed) parlay!

No religious Holidays on the wheel, of course, because we live in a country that has a Government designed to operate outside of religion with a serpentine wall all betwixt and between, right? Religion ain't nobody's business but my (your) own, until it touches the end of your (my) nose, right? Unless you have, like, one of those religions where you have to go and cut the still-beating heart out of a live virgin or something to slake the blood-thirst of your own personal Quetzalcoatl or whatever.

No offense to the aforementioned water-bearing feathered serpent god of the Aztecs, but personally, I have decided to worship Centeotl, the Aztec god of corn. There's no obligation to do any sacrificing, plus, I like corn. Why shouldn't I be allowed to pay obeisance to my obsolete corn god? And look, before any worshippers of maize deities Xilonen or Chicomecoatl start writing in angry letters, it's a Free Country, OK? Well, Mostly Free, but the parts that aren't Free nobody really knows about yet anyway. Pretty Much Free. Anyway, Aztec-god-wise, you go ahead and praise your corn gods, I'll praise mine.

Hey, you know what? I don't like corn, I fucking love it. In all its manifestations. Thank you, O exciting and beneficent Centeotl for the gift of corn. Movies wouldn't be the same without you, O terrific and important Centeotl, and your gift of popcorn with buttery topping. Personally, just between you and me, great Centeotl, office spaces might be a little better off, olfactorally speaking, without your Miracle of Microwave Workplace Popcorn, usually around 2 or 3 o'clock in the afternoon. But in retrospect, I guess it is a small price to pay for all your other Wonders, O wise and delicious Centeotl: corn on the cob, corn muffins, corn bread, corn chips, creamed corn, corn fritters, corn pops, corn dogs, and candy corn. And musically, of course, Korn. Thanks, Centeotl. I'm your No. 1 Fan. Just keep the corn coming, O munificent Mesoamerican mystery.

Speaking of Aztecs, what's with that Pontiac Aztek? That's a stupid looking car, man. I don't care if you can make a tent out of the back of it or whatever, that's a goofy ride.

Sorry. Hey, maybe I can get this new Republican Majority Administration to buy into some new crazy mixed-up Holidays. This is some forward-looking shit I'm talking about here. The only technical problem is the Holiday Gala Teevee Celebrity Wheel of Holidays Spin. If it happens the same time every year, it's gonna turn into a Holiday. Shit. And people will actually need a guide to the Holidays, and that means somebody will decide to make a special publication showing you when all the year's Holidays are. A Holiday Guide. Shit shit shit.

Anyway, I'll settle for a randomly rotating Holiday for my pal Centeotl. Corn is important, and a lot easier to believe in than some of that other crap they've been building holidays out of, kna'mean?

Except for Super Bowl, of course. Super Bowl is gonna be huge this year, what with the potential for military devastation everybody's getting all jacked up for. I happen to think it's just a big mind-game bluff and somebody's gonna go in and waste Saddam with a pen knife or a poison dart or something, but we got the tanks and airplanes and boats and shit getting moved around the big game board, and nothing goes better with the limited violence of Super Bowl than the potential for Real Violence far away from our Amber Waves of Corn.

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