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Mr. Wrong

Life During Wartime

By Joe MacLeod | Posted 10/23/2002

It's all a blur. I have no idea what anybody is talking about. Who cares? There's a War On, right? Let's see, some people got blown up in Bali, and they were mostly Australians. You gotta keep score about who gets blown up, right? Ain't that what it's all about? And where the fuck is Bali? I'll go look at a map when I get a chance, but right now all I can think about is the bra company and somebody going, "Baali-hi-iiiii," in, like, a musical or a movie about a musical or something.

The World Series of Baseball is on right now, I think, but there's a War On. How'm I supposed to get excited about the World Series of Baseball when there's a War On? Maybe if I knew how to bet on baseball I'd be a little more involved, but I can't figure out those "+1" and "-1" things they use for the pitchers in the baseball, so fuck it. What the hell did they do to get enthused about the baseball during WWII, The Big One, when they had the World Series of Baseball?

Meanwhile, a big boat owned by some Frenchies got blown up, or cracked open at least, hah? And then, or maybe before, somebody and/or something in Russia got blown up near a McDonald's, so that means it was an Act of War, right? You blow something up in a foreign land where McDonald's is an oddity, and you blow it up near a McDonald's, This Means War, right? Shit, I wonder what they're doing at the French Disneyland?

Man, I would crap my pants if I had to go to French Disneyland. If they ever catch me for committing a Crime, all they gotta do is send me to French Disneyland, and I will be so punished. I mean, French Disneyland, you know? Come on, I didn't want to go there before the fucking War started. I don't want to go anywhere. And I don't want to fly in a fucking airplane to get there when I don't go. I don't want to go to a foreign country that has Symbols of America like McDonald's and Goofy and Coca-Cola.

I don't want to eat at McDonald's anymore anyway, for real, because that shit'll kill ya, you know? The molecule or whatever in the oil they fry the french fries in, it's like a building block of the Free Radical, which, as anyone who sits around thinking about cancer knows, is a building block of cancer. McDonald's is trying to kill me. I guess it's not their fault, because before all they were trying to do was make me a fat-ass, but now it turns out there's these molecules in the grease. I thought McDonald's was my friend. There's a War On, and McDonald's is not on my side. Everything sucks.

They don't even have a good name for this fucking sniper. Some of the news shows are going with Beltway Sniper, but that's not right, you know? The sniper is all over the place, not just on the Beltway. The sniper just shot some poor bastard coming out of a Ponderosa. That's a steakhouse. Steak is bad for you.

Just a thought, OK? I'm not trying to draw a conclusion between anything and anything because look around you, man--none of this shit makes sense. They can't even pick out a good name for the sniper. I heard Suburban Sniper, but I don't know, isn't that kind of trivializing it when you call something "suburban"?

I went and looked at this sniper Web site called www.snipercountry.com, and they're all pissed off because this killer is being called a "sniper." This is an important distinction, OK? I quote from snipercountry.com: ". . . the truth is they are MURDERS committed by a serial killer, not a SNIPER." See, there's definitely a War On, because War is when you get all these insane moments like, "Hey, don't call that guy who is killing people from a distance with one shot a sniper because it is an affront to the honorable group of military snipers who go out and kill to save lives during a war by getting rid of Key People."

And hey, as an even greater testimonial to how turned around and twisted everything is right now, I agree. It's too bad the typical, honest, hard-working government-issue sniper has to get grouped in with this so-called sniper. So let's get some kind of snipe-action on Saddam's ass, OK? He just let everybody in his country out of jail because he needs soldiers, kna'mean? So let's sniper him, then we can go in and steal all their weapons of mass destruction.

It'll get even more confusing if it turns out this so-called sniper is an al-Qaida, you know? Everybody's running around wringing their hands about how the U. S. of A. reaps what it has sown, and we won't be able to decide if this so-called sniper is just a kooky-crazy killer-on-the-road-his-brain-is-squirmin'-like-a-toad serial killer or a terrorist or a soldier or what, you know? If the so-called sniper turns out to be a serial killer and not an al-Qaida, then probably people who enjoy the John Wayne Gacy art and the Charles Manson art and the Ottis Toole art would send the so-called sniper a picture, and the so-called sniper would maybe draw those little sniper cross hairs on it and mail it back for a few bucks.

And then some guy in Baltimore allegedly torches a house to allegedly take care of a lady who was allegedly a pain in the ass to the alleged criminal element, allegedly. So this guy is like allegedly responsible for killing this lady and five kids, but I guess since that's only half the Sniper's body count so far, the press doesn't want to give him a catchy name, huh?

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