Sign up for our newsletters   

Baltimore City Paper home.
Print Email

Mr. Wrong

I Jam Economy

Smell Of Steve, Inc.

By Joe MacLeod | Posted 10/8/2008

I don't know where my money is. Do you have any money? I have a job and one of these 401(k) things so that when I'm almost ready to retire (die) I'll have some money, and right now I use the dough I get from my job to pay my bills, and I throw a percentage of my paycheck into this 401(k), like a good member of the Economy, but from now on I say fuck that, especially after all this bullshit with the mortgages and the liquidity and the derivatives and the interbank lending and the stocks hedge fund credit default swap short-selling subprime Freddie Mac lending Fannie Mae financial instruments, blah, blah, etc. Jesus Fucking Christ. Do you understand any of this shit? Really? I mean, I understand how it's a setup and some motherfuckers Gamed the System to suck money outta the Economy, but I don't hate the Game, I Hate the System, you know? I have no fucking idea about anything except: Meanwhile, in The Future, when I'm supposed to be contentedly suckling at the bosom of my 401(k), I'm totally fucking screwed.

All these experts are out there saying suckers like me with these 401(k) deals should relax and wait it out, and eventually The Market will improve, but what happens with 401(k) when it melts into zero before that? Am I gonna owe money? I don't even look at my fucking 401(k) now, man, it's too depressing, you (k)now? I used to look at those charts that resemble pies, because I like Pie, but I don't look anymore, at these pie charts, when I could just be eating some Real Pie, you know? Man, I really like Pie. It's fucked up that now there's this negative association I have with it, you know, the Pie? It's traumatic and stuff, my alienation from Pie. Even if I did go and look at the simulated money-pie, it wouldn't help, because it's just a buncha numbers and all this blahblahfuckingblah about each of the totally bullshit busted-ass rackets that make up the stupid-ass 401(k) thing into which I am shoveling my money. I gotta figure out a way to put what's left of my 401(k) into Pie, you know?

The only thing I understand about these goddamn motherfucking piece of shit 401(k) things that suck is some joker takes my money and plays The Market with it. My cash gets splintered up into a million little pieces and spread out into all these ridiculous funds based on the whims of one of the fucking experts who just now flushed me and My Economy down the goddamn shitter. Me, I would never play the fucking stock market, because once somebody like me Gets In On It, it's fucking Over, you know? So what the fuck was I thinking just letting some jackass play toys with my dough? Caveat fucking Emptor, man, I know, and I didn't even buy anything except some pieces of imaginary pie. I just poured my cash into a fucking hole and expected it to grow into a goddamn beanstalk stairway to High Finance. I figured I'd let some company that is Way Smarter Than Me handle my business, and that's exactly what happened, eh? Somebody Smarter Than Me Took Away my money. I mean, I'm reasonably certain, but I'm not looking at my 401(k) thing to see how much is gone because My Personal Economy is depressed enough and I don't need to see some sorta negative-integer expression of my financial pie hole. I keep hearing people talking about how all the financial crap that's been going on is nothing more than gambling, which is supposed to be, what, shocking? I think everybody pretty much already knew that, but then we (I) got bamboozled into thinking these fucking experts actually know something else, some sorta mastery of all these random fucking rules and regulations with all this made-up stock-market shit, and that's the real reason this shithouse collapsed, man. We The People let it happen.

So I say fuck my 401(k), and fuck you, right in your pie hole, whoever got those minus signs going in front of all the pieces of my Personal Pan Pie-Chart. How come everything reminds me of Pizza Hut? Anyway, I don't even have to look at it, my pie-charts to know they are there, man, minuses all over my Negative American Pie. Right now, seriously, until the Economy grows back, I'm not putting one fucking nickel into my bullshit 401(k). I am the fucking Economy, and I'm calling the shots on my investment dough from now on, which means more scratch-offs, blackjack, and parimutuel horse wagering. At least I'll be making my own decisions.

www.splicetoday.com, mrwrong.tumblr.com

Related stories
Comments powered by Disqus
Calendar
CP on Facebook
CP on Twitter