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Mr. Wrong

Booty Now for the Future

By Joe MacLeod | Posted 8/7/2002

I heard this song on the radio the other night, and I can't really remember any of the words (or anything, ever) very well except the chorus or hook or refrain or whatever you wanna call it, and it goes a little something like this:

Do your duty

blah blah dance

blah blah blah blah

Shiny disco ball

It's a little fuzzy because I had been moving furniture all day, and since it's been so hot I had to keep myself well-hydrated with several cans of cold, wet beer in cold, sweaty cans. Ahh. It was Budweiser, but I'm not picky. Usually I only drink the best: Milwaukee's Best, har! I also enjoy a Heineken, because I like the green bottles. So you know, like, it's beer, right? If it's cold and I can get it open, I'm on board.

And yeah, I know, beer is not good for keeping yourself well-hydrated because alcohol (the active ingredient in any fine beer product) stimulates the bladder, so if you drink a beer to Obey Your Thirst, you are actually setting up a time-release order to your body to Disobey Your Thirst with a withdrawal from your Bodily Fluids Account, thereby offsetting any short-term gain you may experience while inhaling that refreshing helping of cold, beautiful beer.

So while I was moving the stupid furniture I offset the beer with strategically timed 20-ounce doses of Mountain Dew. Ohh, gimme a Dew. So cold, so sweet, so caffeinated. And yeah, I know, Mountain Dew is not really all that much better than beer for keeping oneself well-hydrated because it contains life-giving caffeine, which, like its heavenly sister alcohol, plays hob with the human body's sense of liquid equilibrium. But The Dew certainly does sharpen you up for some Heavy Lifting after a series of refreshing Budweiser errors in hydration.

So to offset the caffeine, I was drinking scotch. OK, not scotch, just regular water without any scotch in it. Anyway, I had the radio on to try to take my mind off the fact that I was sweating my ass off and doing physical labor, which I detest. Not because I'm, like, too good for it or anything, I detest it because it means I'm not rich enough to hire somebody to do it for me, you know? So this song comes on the radio on one of those "Hey, everybody, we're broadcasting live from the place to be" or whatever radio shows, and it's really just a giant advertisement for this club, but they're all like, "Hey, it's an exciting radio event, and we'd be here in the place to be even if we weren't getting paid to be here in the place to be, so come on down here to be in the place to be," etc. And they were playing (in the place to be) the dance music, and this song about Shiny Disco Ball comes on, and now it is stuck in my fucking head and it won't come out. Shiny Disco Ball. Stuck in my head. Shiny Disco Ball. And not even the whole song, just this flat, nasally girl voice going eh-eh-eh-eh, eent-eent-eent, Shiny Disco Ball.

Do you know this song? It's some preprogrammed electronic synth-pop and I had never heard it before, and of course they didn't say the name of the song on the radio because they're too busy being at the place to be with the "Hey now, it's getting hot in here, so we're taking off all our clothes, woo!" That's the song by Nelly that was stuck in my head before the big old Shiny Disco Ball got set up. I am/ getting so/ hot/ I'm gonna take my clothes off. I got the feeling they reached that conclusion after a couple of beers, but hey, it's a catchy Popular Song, and everybody can relate to the hotness and the clothes, etc. Shiny Disco Ball.

Jesus Christ, this is gonna go on forever. I think the "do your duty" part might actually be "do your booty," because "booty" is a big dance thing since basically booty = fun and everybody likes the booty. And I'm not talking about another word for pirate treasure, OK? I'm talking about booty. Hiney. Buttock. When you dance you get to move that part around, and it's fun. The body part the whole office can agree on. Booty.

I mean, 99.9 percent of the time, it's round, right? Round = fun. Booty = round. Shiny Disco Ball = round. You can think up your own examples, but it's like this: What are you if you're not fun? Right, you're a square. L7, baby. So it might be "it's your booty" or maybe even "do your booty" in that song. Shiny Disco Ball.

Hey, that's five syllables, right? Shi-ny Dis-co Ball. It's the punch line of a friggin' haiku. Nyah nyah nyah nyah/ blah blah blah/ Shiny Disco Ball.

OK, that's not really a haiku. I went to high school, see, and I remember (sort of) the "petals on a wet, black bough" haiku or poem or whatever, and it's supposed to have seven syllables sandwiched in between five syllables on the top and bottom. I can't really remember. Shiny Disco Ball. I think that "black bough" pram was kinda off, haikuwise, but anyway, here's a haiku I just wrote:

This is a haiku

But it is not a good one

No mental image

See, you're supposed to be all steeped in the sensibilities of the Orient when you do a haiku, and unfortunately, I'm all sensibilities of the prurient, so the haiku and I don't really resonate, see? Shiny Disco Ball. Somebody please help me.

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