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Mr. Wrong

Non Sequiter

By Joe MacLeod | Posted 2/13/2002

The DVDs, they're evil, you know? I mean, it's one thing to rent a movie and sit on your ass and watch it once and then forget about it. But with these DVDs, now you can spend all day sitting on your ass watching it because you can watch: 1) the movie; 2) the movie, only this time with the director talking over it, explaining how he or she is a genius; 3) the "alternate scenes" that didn't get into the movie, again with the director explaining how brilliant even these little pieces of the movie that didn't get into the movie are; 4) the wacky outtakes, where the actors fuck up their lines; 5) all kinds of other crap. This is evil.

So here is the very first unedited, unspell-checked, unpunctuated, DVD-style, combinated outtakes-and-alternate-scenes column of my columns. Not one bit of new or improved material, guaranteed:

  • I'm a producer, not a consumer. So if you think you've Heard This One Before, why don't you just run along and go read The Sun or something, with all their great columnists, like Kevin Cowherd. Jesus Christ. Some guy actually called me at the office once and told me he enjoyed the Mr. Wrong column, and that it was "just like Kevin Cowherd, only with the F-word." Jesus Fucking Christ. What the fuck am I supposed to say to a statement like that? It's a slogan--it even rhymes: "Just Like Kevin Cowherd, With the F-word." Jesus Goddamn Fucking H. Christ on a burning Popsicle stick. I bet Kevin Cowherd makes a bucket-load more dough than I do too.
  • I can't believe I forgot about this, but believe it or don't, I am generally unused to the idea of using this space for my own immediate petty grievances, but that's only because I file every other week, see? If I were empowered to bring you, the Reader, a sweaty new bucket-load of the Wrong every week, this space would be stuffed to the rim, or the brim, or whatever the correct analogous edge of fulfillingness' first finale is, with many, many more of my pointless and stupid little petit complaints, but look, they would be complaints other than not having the freedom to dump a steaming fresh column of Wrongness onto some waiting newsprint on a weekly basis, OK? I need to Get Regular, you know? It is contrary to the Laws of Nature to be irregular, and I'm being set up, see?
  • Jesus H. Christ, it's only halfway through December and I almost completely used up my supply of the F-word. I have to pay 5 cents into the big City Paper Swear Jar we got here in the office every time I use it in print, and then at the end of the year we take the money.
  • What the fuck--ah, shit, there goes another one--
  • the column to run when i miss the deadline, which would be about all the things i do to make sure i don;t miss deadlin and my work ha=bits and shit.
  • new beefaroni
  • usama bin laden
  • killing osama bin laden
  • boxing champ
  • ravens
  • tony siragusa fucking up that guy's shoulder
  • winona ryder shoplifiting
  • iron chef
  • afroman
  • underpants with no label hanes is owned by the sara lee corp.
  • iron man
  • afro pants
  • iron pants
  • afro chef
  • So here's my Special Message if you only noticed my column after it took a Permanent Vacation. Thanks for nothing. Go fuck yourself, OK?
  • Now look, there's a galaxy of shit I don't know shit about.
  • I forget what it's called, because I had a very traumatic experience up there with a guy who claimed to be a Doctor. I've been blocking it out of my memory for a long time. All I can remember at this point is hitching up my trousers while this supposed Doctor-guy was pulling a rubber glove off his hand. And then I had to pay someone some money. So, like I was saying, I'm driving near this building, which is basically like saying I'm Winston Smith driving by the Ministry of Love building.
  • America the beautiful
  • The song about the nookie
  • Gap commercial song (Dress you up) and you'd sing it like a goddamn Gap-commercial-model-lobotomized-zombie-motherfucker
  • Have it your way hold the pickles hold the lettuce spoecial orders don't upset us all we ask is that you let us serve it your way (it's all about service, man).
  • Thank god I'm a country boy. Im not a country bou but i guess I would thank God if I was.
  • But I know all the words to the theme from televison's Green Acres, Jesus Christ, why?
  • When they legalize weed, everybody could sing one of the wacky dope songs if they can remember the words.
  • When we annex Canada we can sing O Canada.
  • Same thing with Mexico--we could sing O Canada because I don't know the Mexican anthem, but t would be a positive message to all our new latino citezry--we hold you in the same high regard as our brothers and sisters inn the great white north--and plus there'd be taxes.
  • I'm so happy I would like to be installed as the first Emperor of the U.S.
  • I'm so happy I would like to sing a song all about this great land of ours.

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