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Mr. Wrong

Deep-Fried Thoughts

Smell Of Steve, Inc.

By Joe MacLeod | Posted 11/5/2008

I saw something on teevee the other day that just, like, totally confirmed my belief in America.

America, the Land of Opportunity, America, Love it or Leave it, America, My Country 'Tis of Thee, America, the Beautiful. I'm talking about something you can get at Arby's, man.

I was staring at my friend Television and I saw this commercial all about Arby's and how they have some new sandwich or wrap or something like that and blah blah blah, new and blah, whatever, "go git you one right now," etc., and that wasn't any big deal, a new sandwich or "entree," if you will, because these joints always got some kinda new sandwich in the hopper, for a Limited Time Only, like the Burger King, right now he's got these guys who sing about a mushroom steak and swiss burger or something like that, maybe it's one of those buffalo-angus deals or whatever, and that's kinda funny, the way these like Ye Olde musician guys are all Renaissance Faire singing about the sandwich, but at the end of the commercial there's a picture of the burger or whatever it is, and I'm thinking like no effing way does that gigantic mountain of hamburger-or-whatever meat and toppings ever fucking look that way when I unwrap it in my car, man. Even if I hold it up in front of me so my eye-level is below the sandwich and it gets that heroic Leni Riefenstahl camera-angle, it's always this droopy mess of ingredients or whatever, you know? I'm not mad at the reality, but just one fucking time I would like to see one of these places show you what the fucking sandwich really looks like when you open it, eh? Especially Burger the King, man, because he has his subjects do this last-minute thing to his burgers (which I theorize involves powerful microwave radiation) to melt the cheese, and if you order like, a double cheeseburger, you end up with this thing that's like a hot sponge soaked with cheese, with a rock in the middle, but you eat it anyway, you know? Anyway, I do.

So meanwhile, there's also some sorta new and improved burger at Checkers with cheese on it, and Kentucky Fried Chicken and McDonald's both got some chicken thing going, and Taco Bell's got that "volcano taco" or whatever the fuck it is, which kinda looks like a Bad Idea all the way around, if you catch my drift, with the red-colored taco shell and molten cheese in there someplace, I think, but none of that is important, man, because Arby's has taken the game up another level with this thing they were just kinda showing along with whatever new sandwich they invented, and really, I'm sorry Arby's, but fuck your new whatever-sandwich, because you only go to Arby's for one thing, and that's, like, an Arby's, you know? They don't call it an "Arby's" at Arby's, but if you tell the average consumer out on the boulevard that you're gonna go get you some "Arby's," then you are talking about a big, soft, steaming pile of this thin brown stuff that looks like meat, only with bubbles in it, I swear, but damn, that's some good whatever-the-fuck that thing is, the Arby's (it's what I always order), and now you can get a side order of this shit called "Mac & Cheezers," which is described like so: Creamy cheddar cheese and classic macaroni are battered and fried into golden brown triangles of flavor. Great for snacking when you're on the run or camped out watching cartoons on the family TV. Do you understand what that means, man? We're talking Deep-Fried Macaroni & Cheese. Really, say it with me: Deep-Fried Macaroni & Cheese. That's like two totally obvious things combinated into one totally fucking awesome mouthful of fun and comfort for America. I haven't even eaten one yet but I already want another one, you know? Cheezus Christ Arb-mighty, seriously, as soon as I get done typing this crap, I'm gonna hie me down to the nearest Arby's I can find and get one of those weirdo Arby's bubble-meat deals and a faceful of the "Mac & Cheezers." I wonder what they serve 'em in? Probably a bucket, hah? That would be perfect. I would order that.

So I'm just saying I totally feel good about America now, because even in these Uncertain Economic Times there's still lots of Initiative and Enterprise in trying to figure out the next fatass food-bomb, especially since in these Crappy Economic Times and whatever, I heard McDonald's is expanding their Dollar Value Menu, hah? Urp.,

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