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Mr. Wrong

What, Me Worry?

By Joe MacLeod | Posted 12/5/2001

I'm still suspicious about the next thing the terrorists have planned, so I'm not paying too much attention to The War. I don't know how to Be Prepared for the Next Bad Thing, and it's making me nuts. I was over at the pit-beef place on Route 40 the other day where they got a teevee hanging down over the picnic tables and I saw Geraldo over there in Afghanistan talking to some natives, so I figure if we got Geraldo over there now, and George Clooney or whoever is talking about showing Ocean's Eleven in Turkey "for the troops" à la Bob Hope, for chrissakes, it can't be too long before the whole fucking thing is over, right?

OK, maybe not the whole thing. I just mean the part where we've blasted everything there is to blast in Afghanistan, just not the part where the terrorists do more evil shit to us while we're looking around for more stuff to blast in other countries. Fucking Geraldo. First O.J., then JonBenet, and now this. I got distracted trying to figure out what the fuck he was doing on the teevee with an Afghan native and ended up putting barbecue sauce all over my fries. Ruined a perfectly good set of fries with barbecue sauce because the ketchup squeezy-container is red, and the BBQ-sauce squeezy-container is just a little teensy bit darker red, and I wasn't paying attention because I was looking at goddamn Geraldo.

So let that be a lesson to you: Go about your business. Don't pay too much attention to the news or Geraldo right now, because if the Army or the Navy or the Air Force or the Marines lost a bunch of guys, they probably aren't gonna say anything about it until later, right? I'm just assuming that the Armynavyairforcemarines are bullshitting us right now because it seemed to work so well when they ran Saddam's army outta Kuwait.

That was good when they ran Saddam's army out of Kuwait on the CNN, right? Those Kuwaitis are just a bunch of rich fuckers who are sitting on a lot of oil, right? You can't discriminate against people just because they're richer than God, you know? They never hurt anybody, and except for being really, really rich and pissing off people like me who aren't really, really rich, those Kuwait-skis deserved to get to keep their country and not have it overrun by Iraq's Saddam-army, right? I mean, I don't plan on giving up driving my car any time soon, so I figure it was good, that whole "Highway of Death" thing and all, except they didn't really stick it to Saddam the way they coulda, you know, with the bunker-busters and shit. Gas is kinda cheap right now, huh? What's up with that? And what the fuck is up with this weather? It was 70 degrees or something on the first day of December. That's unnatural, and I'm more than a little suspicious about this.

There's probably still some kooks who say all those remote-controlled missile camera shots and stuff in Kuwait were bullshit, but this time the CIA or the Armynavyairforcemarines used a "Predator RQ-1 drone" to whack some miserable bastard by remote control. Yeah! Haven't heard anybody say that was bullshit. Yet. That's right up there with the kooks who say the U.S. of A. never got to the moon. The whole guys-walking-around-on-the-moon thing was fake. Right. Now the Red Chinese are looking at the moon. Anybody think that's fake? Hah? We go to the fucking moon--six fucking times, actually--and there's still boneheads saying it's a put-up job. Nobody's gonna say squat when the People's Republic of China goes to the moon.

It probably makes all the NASA guys feel kinda crazy right now, wondering what's up with that. Hmm, let's see: Went to our only moon in 1969, grabbed a whole bunch of rocks, landed a golf cart up there, and a flag, got bored, so we don't go to the moon anymore. And now those Red Chinese are shooting rockets at the moon? Shit! What the hell did we miss? All we got is a bunch of stupid rocks! Maybe it's something on the dark side! Goddammit, I betcha it's got something to do with the dark side of the moon! After 1973 nobody ever could discuss a mission to the dark side of the moon without getting goofed on. It was always like, "Ha, ha, Dark Side of the Moon, yeah, good album, man. Got any weed?" Those Reds don't get too much Pink Floyd over there, so maybe they've been able to concentrate on the dark side without making jokes. And shut up about The Force and all that crap or we'll never get anything done! Look, those Chinese Communists are gonna go strike oil or something on the dark side of the moon and set up a missile base and blast us! We gotta get to Mars and outflank 'em or we'll all lose our phoney-baloney jobs!

So along with worrying about which bridge I'm driving on is gonna get blown up, and which tunnel is gonna come down on my infidel head, and what airplane I'm flying on is gonna get hijacked and crashed into the nearest tall building, and what's coming in the mail, and what's behind this unusual streak of warm weather, I gotta start thinking about howcumzit the Red Chinese want to go to the fucking moon. Great.

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