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Mr. Wrong

Strictly Business

By Joe MacLeod | Posted 10/10/2001

So My President has ordered me to go about my business, which is OK by me. I didn't vote for him or anything, but he's My President whether I like it or not, and he's given me a Direct Order, so I am resuming my assault upon you, The Reader.

My President is getting a little better at giving speeches, but jeez, all that "smoke 'em outta their holes" and "dead or alive" and "crusade" shit was a little embarrassing. Especially "crusade." Damn, My President, didn't they give you any sensitivity training somewhere along the way to the White House? You're making the law-abiding Muslims nervous with that "crusade" shit, and probably a little pissed off to boot. You need to confine your comments to stuff like "justice" and "security," OK? What's next, you gonna sing "All I want for Christmas is bin Laden's two front teeth" while you light up the White House Xmas tree? Even if you just said something like "we want to crush the perpetrators like roaches" it woulda been better than saying "crusade." That's one of them hot-button words with your Islamic world, you know, like "jihad" is getting to be with us here in the U.S. of A.

I do feel a little better now that we're Blowing Shit Up someplace. I mean, they say it's in Afghanistan, but hey, who knows? At least we're Blowing Shit Up. Even though it was kinda surreal what with the Sunday-afternoon football and the President of the United States of America up on the Jumbotron simultaneously. But the professional football went on, under direct orders from My POTUS. Go about your business, America.

The Emmy Awards did not go about their business. My feeling is they shoulda just had the stupid show, and if nobody showed up, so what? The Show Must Go On, right? Isn't that what Professional Actors are supposed to do, go on? Hand out the fucking trophies and Go About Your Business. No need to keep cancelling this thing, no need to be so dramatic about it, OK, actors? But they didn't go on with their show, so I have even less respect for the actors now--unless they got some sort of anthrax threat or something they don't want to talk about. Perfectly understandable not wanting the show to go on if there's anthrax in the house. Otherwise, the Order of the Day is: Go About Your Business. So I am back about my nasty business, whether you like it or not.

Emily Leffler of Baltimore is in the "not" category. Emily Leffler of Baltimore sent a letter to the paper last week that ended with this: "And by the way, as long as you're handing out columns to any doof that walks along the street, can I have one too? I can only assume that's what happened with Joe MacLeod (Mr. Wrong). I mean, if you're going to take up space, at least have a point."

Emily Leffler of Baltimore is the classic example of a Hater. She's not in the game, and it's killing her. Now look here, Emily Leffler of Baltimore, I am not any doof on the street. I have an office. And another thing: If I'm a doof on the street with a column, what are you, huh? You're a no-column-having doofstress, walking on the street. But you know what, Emily Leffler of Baltimore? You have given me more motivation than My President ever could to Go About My No-Point-Havin' Business. Every time I get a letter like this, it gives me a newfound sense of purpose, a new reason to take up space. Yeah, Emily Leffler of Baltimore, I takes up space, and I gets paid for it, y'hear? All you can do, Emily Leffler of Baltimore, is write letters to the paper and get them printed free of charge. Look at me, I'm Emily Leffler of Baltimore, and I don't like that awful Mr. Wrong column! Watch me fire off a hot missive to the City Paper! Ah, Emily Leffler of Baltimore, you want your own column. You and all the other pinhead player-haters who pick up this rag. You're a hater of the True Player, Emily Leffler of Baltimore, so let me remind you: Don't hate The Player, hate The Game. The Game that compels you to peck out your mewling little hate-filled submission to the Mail page of this fine publication featuring, every other week, the Mr. Wrong column, Emily Leffler of Baltimore.

Me? I write about 900 words and I get paid One Hundred and Sixty-Five Dollars, American. That's about 17 cents a word. So when I write something like "Emily Leffler of Baltimore is jealous of the Mr. Wrong column," I gets paid somewhere in the neighborhood of One Dollar and Eighty-Seven cents. And that's a pretty good neighborhood, Emily Leffler of Baltimore. Especially since you don't live in it. In fact, I just did a "command-c" on my keyboard on the words "Emily Leffler of Baltimore " and now, with a single key-combination, I earn 68 cents. Just for typing the key-combo that results in "Emily Leffler of Baltimore." Bwahahaaa! Man, Emily Leffler of Baltimore, you have given me new hope in a dark time. I am Truly Blessed, you know? Blessed to be alive and have my own column, even if it is only every other week. Hey Emily Leffler of Baltimore (68 cents), maybe they'll give you the other weeks, huh? Yeah, right! Ahhhahahahhaa! You got nothing, Emily Leffler of Baltimore! You write letters with The Hate in them and your payment is helping me fill my space!

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