Xmas is coming, but don't fall for it, man, it's a Trap. The Economies are in the fucking toilet and there's no credit for houses, and/or there's too many houses, also/and/or there's too many people crapping out on their house payments, and/also/plus the Financial Institutions are all being Institutionalized, meanwhile/also/and/plus the Stock Market is wacky, and meanwhile/also/plus-plus guess what: Xmas is Coming, so that means: Go Forth and Buy.
Also, there is a War on.
As your Financial Advisor--as long I still have a Job, a real one (and I'm not talking about this writing of an every-other-week Column bullshit an actual J-O-B) then I am as fully qualified to be a Fully Qualified Financial Advisor as much as or Greater Than all these so-called Financial Advisors all over the place--I am Advising you (as your Financial Advisor) to Go Short on Xmas.
I learned that expression listening to the CNBC on my Satellite Radio, to "Go Short," that's like to "Take a Haircut," kind of, which is another expression I learned on the CNBC, which is a Business Channel, where they have ladies and gentlemen on all day long whose business it is to be blah blah blah-ing about business, but I think none of these motherfuckers really knows anything, because this Stock Market shit is just a big racket where they make up new rules alla time and get the Government to approve them by not making them illegal, or by making 'em deregulated after they were Regulated or something. The real way to make money on the stock market is to Know Something before anybody else Knows Anything, but under certain circumstances, that's illegal, right? Also, it looks like a really, really great way to make money on the Stock Market is to just do all kinds of illegal shit. Anyway, nobody on this fucking channel makes me feel good about The Economies, but right now in these Uncertain Economic Times it's kinda entertaining, like listening to weather geeks on The Weather Channel if there was a new hurricane every day.
So Go Short on fucking Xmas, man. Get out of it as cheap as you can. Make a deal with your own personal Economy and declare a Holiday from Holidays as per the specific aspect of Buying Stuff, because it really is a Conspiracy this time, man. They (everybody) are telling you and me nothing but Bad News all about The Economies. Every day it's stuff about people getting fired and places closing and stuff like that, and then there's all the hijinx with these Financial Institutions and the fucking Stock Market, right? And then there's all these Sales, and it's The Holidays, so not only are you supposed to Buy for The Holidays, you're supposed to Buy Stuff to help The Economies like that fucking Tax Stimulus was supposed to help, but the Economy itself is a big fucking Racket and you need to stay the fuck away from it.
As your Financial Advisor, I am telling you that you cannot afford to Buy Stuff. I can't fucking do it, man, I have A Job, but I'm not Rich. If I go out and start Buying Stuff, I'm actually fucking up The Economies because I would charge it all on my Credit Cards and then when The Economies decide they need their money, all of it, right now, I'm gonna be in the Debtors' Prison, you know? Don't kid yourself about these Credit Cards, man, they are changing their rules every month, just a teensy li'l bit at a time, and pretty soon they are gonna be like, "Hey man, we're kind of in a little cash trouble right now on account of The Economies and whatever, so after that last amendment to your Credit Agreement you gotta pay your whole fucking Credit Card right now or you will be punished with more interest, infinity."
Buy food, man. I'm buying lotsa Canned Goods and shit that I can store Indefinitely. I'm Just saying, man, buying food is better than buying some stupid iPod or whatever that they are gonna make a cooler one of in six months and then you gotta buy that, and the same goes for your fucking phone and your car, and right now some of these goddamn car companies are looking shaky and then we're all gonna feel bad because we didn't buy a new car to help the Automotive Industry or whatever. Fuck that. I can't afford anything. I can't Take One for Team Economy, you know? However, if you are Rich, as in Wealthy, then it's time for you to fucking step up.
I got nothing against Rich People, seriously. Rich people get a bad rap in this country, and right now, Rich People have The Power. Rich motherfuckers can do something that non-rich people can't do without fucking up their lives forever: Rich People need to start fucking Buying Stuff. And not just buying stuff for the Holidays, man, Rich People need to start Buying Stuff like Crazy People. For The Economies, man. If you are a Rich, as your Financial Advisor I am telling you to go out and Save The Economies. Only you can do it. Go out and buy lots of shit right now.
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