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Mr. Wrong

Along Came a Spader

By Joe MacLeod | Posted 5/30/2001

Ever see that movie Crash? Look, I'm gonna go see The Mummy Returns tonight, so it's not like I'm recommending Crash or anything. You go look at whatever movies you want. I'm just saying, if you saw it, remember when the the weird chick--OK, they're all kinda weird in this flick, but the first weird chick, the one with the squinty eyes who has sex on the front of the airplane at the beginning of the picture and lives with James Spader . . . not in real life lives with James Spader, just in the movie lives with James Spader, with James Spader's character, see?

Anyway, remember when she says that it seems like there's more traffic on the highway? Shit, you know what? Maybe it wasn't her who said that. Her character, I mean. I bet it was James Spader--his character, I mean. I bet it was the character portrayed by the actor James Spader in the major motion picture Crash who said it after he crashed his car. Said that it seemed like there were way more cars on the highway than before. Of course, he didn't put it quite so eloquently, but hey, I'm a professional writer here. Pro-fessional. You could look it up. I gets paid to write. Bwahahahaaa. A paid professional. Talk about a license to steal.

And hey, you don't even need a license to write, you know? I cannot be arrested by the police for what I do on this page, no matter how terrible it might seem, no matter how much of a crime some might consider the leavings I deposit here. I am Immune From Prosecution. And I get paid for this crap. And that's pretty goddamn funny, sez me. And I got a pretty good sense of humor.

So I don't know what it is, but I'm pretty sure I just don't like that guy James Spader. And I'm not saying I don't like the characters portrayed by the actor James Spader in his many fine feature-film appearances, and I'm not handing out any of that cable-teevee Bravo channel Inside the Actor's Studio bushwah about how maybe I don't like the "places" he goes to when he transmogrifies his psyche and projects it out in performance when he does "the work." Man, what a crock of shit. I may have a license to steal, but I'm a nickel-and-dimer compared to these actors they got walking around out there, and you don't need a license to act either. What a sweet fucking racket.

So I'm not saying I don't like the part of him (James Spader) that "comes through" in The Dramaturgy of James Spader. I'm saying I think I don't like James Spader himself, personally. And not just because he's got a way-better gig than me, with the acting and the emoting and all that jazz. I'm just saying I don't like this guy. It's not a problem; it's not like I'm lying awake at night, strapped into my circular bed, thinking, James Spader . . . man, I don't like that motherfucker . . . he was so mean to that poor Robert Downey Jr. in the major motion picture Less Than Zero . . . I mean, he was mean to the character portrayed by that poor Robert Downey Jr. in the feature film Less Than Zero, adapted from the book of the same title . . . his character was mean to the other character, I mean . . . that rat-bastard . . . James Spader . . . I didn't like him in that sex, lies, and videotape picture either, even though he had a sympathetic role in that particular film . . . or even Bad Influence, where he again played the part of a sympathetic character opposite "Brat Packer" and current star of the fine television series The West Wing Rob Lowe . . . I hope he never wins an Academy Award . . . James Spader, I mean, not Rob Lowe . . . I got nothing against Rob Lowe . . . don't care one way or the other if Rob Lowe wins some sort of award for acting . . . I'd like to wipe that smirk right off his smug little face . . . talking about Spader here. . . I'm coming for you, Spader . . . you can't hide . . . Spader . . . don't like you . . . close my eyes to sleep and all I see is the Spader . . . didn't like you in Wolf either, James Spader . . . opposite Academy Award-winner Jack Nicholson and Michelle Pfeiffer, whose name is hard to spell and who is easy on the eyes but really isn't too hot of an actor but who I got nothing against her personally . . . damn you, Spader . . . Spader . . . zzz . . . zzz . . . zznx.

So I'm not doing that, really, I'm just pretty sure that if I saw this James Spader guy out on the street, I'd cross over to the other side. I got nothing to say to him. In that movie Crash, he says something about how there's more cars on the highway, I mean his character says it, and I was just thinking the other day driving down Pulaski Highway, like, where'd all these cars come from?

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