Sign up for our newsletters   

Baltimore City Paper home.
Print Email

Mr. Wrong

It's Getting Worse

Smell Of Steve, Inc.

By Joe MacLeod | Posted 12/3/2008

What did I say two weeks ago? Do you see what They are doing? And you know who They are. You can't make this shit up: a guy got trampled to death on Black Friday, man, for real, it's in the newspapers and on the World Wide, seriously, this guy got stampeded on by shoppers in a goddamn Wal-Mart because of a crowd worked up into a Consuming Frenzy to Help the Economies and get Bargains for The Holidays of Consumption.

I guess in a few days the Teevee shows will be making jokes about this shit, but this is my Conspiracy Theory coming true man. They are doing this! Don't fall for this Consuming, man, don't be tricked into thinking that Discount Item on sale starting at 4 a.m. is worth it! This ain't the Major Motion Picture Soylent Green starring Charlton Heston where people hadda wait in line for hours to get a ration of food, man, this is mostly Crap You Don't Need. You might need to stop watching Teevee temporarily if you think the Advertisings are compelling you to go to Death Traps for Bargains. Personally, I am immune to anything suggesting I get up early in the morning to do anything.

I said last time the Rich People are the ones who need to get off their wallets, need to step up and do some heavyweight Consuming right now to like, make with the Economic Stimulus, and Regular People need to step back and relax and stop doing damage to their own Personal Economies; not to be putting The Holidays on credit cards, teach the kids all about disappointment being part of Life, etc., but no, people got sucked into the Bargain Hunt, and so many people were pushing in on this Wal-Mart door, this poor guy got killed.

Killed! In a store where you go to buy inexpensive Chinese-manufactured products. A guy is dead because people were trying to get to the Bargains.

This is what I'm talking about, man, we're all caught up in this thing with the Economies, and now The Masses are getting played like Monopoly, and some pieces are getting broken. Personally, I consider myself part of The Masses, because last time I checked, I was Not Rich. And I've said this shit before too, man, I got nothing against Rich People, except maybe the ones who Get Paid to be jerking people around with all these Black Friday, Early Bargain, show-up-at-4 a.m. or whatever with your fellow Consumers who are all there to score the same $19.99 Blu-ray DVD player or whatever the fuck the store is giving away in order to lure your ass in there for some Consuming-type deals, so you start thinking, shit, I'm not as dumb as all those other dopes who are gonna go to the store at Zero-Dark Hundred Hours or whatever, nut-unh, man, I'm gonna get there earlier than that so's I can be up in front when the doors open, damn right, but holy shit, I better get as close to that door as I can to beat everybody to the Bargains!

I dunno if I'm just lazy or not motivated enough or what, but I couldn't ever see myself getting up that early for some Bargains, though I sure as hell could see myself being the guy stuck with the job of opening the door to let in those fools. I mean, that's what's Worse, man, this guy worked there. It's not like "Oh, well, what did he expect, he played with the running of the Consumo-Bulls, and he got the horns," but no, he just had the misfortune to have a goddamn job there, and he got killed. This guy got killed at the Wal-Mart. I just hope whoever his people are, they push on the Wal-Mart the way that crowd pushed on that goddamn front door, man. I don't think there is any kinda satisfying Justice you could get out of this, but for a start, howabout from now on, let's start having stores in this country not create circumstances where people can get killed, eh? That sounds reasonable, right? It's not like this couldn'ta happened at some other store that was doing these stupid-ass Early Bargains, but go ahead, Wal-Mart, please to tell us some bullshit about how this was unexpected and could not have been avoided, huh? Yeah, guess what, real easy way to avoid this shit: Don't do these goddamn Death Race 2000/Running Man situations where you're pitting The Masses against each other. Crowd Control man, best way to not have a problem with that seething bolus of humanity at the front door is not to bait the goddamn trap with raw meat and then wave it in front of errbody on the Teevee for a week. Yes, it's your store, and this shit is your fault, so let's hear how you're gonna make it right, and in the meantime, if the Economies take away my Day Job, I'm not filling out any applications at the Wal-Mart.

www.splicetoday.com, mrwrong.tumblr.com

Related stories
Comments powered by Disqus
Calendar
CP on Facebook
CP on Twitter