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Mr. Wrong

Dead Air

By Joe MacLeod | Posted 4/25/2001

So I'm watching the boxing the other night, and the guy from Baltimore pounds the snot out of the guy from England or wherever, and I'm thinking--a very rare thing for me to do in general, and hyper-mega-extra-crispy rare while I'm watching teevee, especially the HBO--but anyway, I'm thinking, What's the big deal about executing that federal-office-building mass-murderer McVeigh guy in public?

I mean, this past weekend I was able to enjoy a variety of delicious salty snack foods and sit on my convertible sofa in my castle, located in the safety and security of the Most Powerful Nation on the Face of the Earth, while watching two guys try their level best (well, one guy appeared to be trying his level best) to give each other brain damage. That's pretty fucking barbaric, eh? And there's no real reason behind it other than grisly entertainment. At least with this execution, this guy's gonna get what he richly deserves. As far as pointless mayhem goes, we've got the Academy Award-winning gladiator movie, plus honest-and-for-true blood sport.

In this sophisticated day and age of enlightenment, when we can watch images beamed from faraway places like South Africa, the images we're watching are of two guys trying to dispatch each other into comas, and it's a festive sporting event. Yay! Look, the big man got hit so hard in the head by the other big man he fall down and go boom! He's having some difficulty getting up on his feet right now because he got hit so hard that the juice inside his skull that keeps his brain happy got all shook up, and his cerebrum and cerebellum and medulla oblongata had a quick strategy session in the War Room and decided to close up shop and take a little nap until things quiet down Outside the Skull.

And the other big man who successfully hit him--20 years from now, he will probably have slurred speech. Hooray for him! He is The Champion, my friend. Everyone who walks into the casino where he works as a greeter will call him "Champ," pose for wacky hey-look-I'm-punching-The-Champ or hey-look-The-Champ's-punching-me snapshots, and shake their heads in regret because The Champ wasn't able to squirrel away much of his prizefighting income to provide for a comfortable lifestyle in the period after his successful prizefighting career--a period which should be about three or four times longer than the amount of time he spent in the ring trying to seriously injure another human being.

But you know, as long as it's legal, I'll watch the boxing. I wouldn't feel deprived if they outlawed it tomorrow, but as long as it's on I'll look at it, along with other quality mayhem-based entertainment products, such as World's Worst Drivers, and maybe the upcoming Let's Give Timothy McVeigh a Big Fat Lethal Injection for Blowing Up All Those People in Oklahoma City. I just don't get why everyone's all freaked out because they're gonna broadcast or narrowcast this McVeigh dude getting his from Uncle Sam all encrypted and scrambled so the bereaved families of his victims will get to have some closure and nobody else will get to see.

I don't really track with the whole "closure" concept, incidentally. I guess it doesn't look good for Our Government to say something like, "Yeah, we're gonna strap this piece of garbage down on a gurney and lethally inject him and shit, and anybody who wants to watch this prick suffer for killing their friends or family can tune in and watch this animal die, die, die, yeah!" No, Our Government has to spout all that "closure" crap. "Yeah, gee, I'm so much more closured or whatever now since seeing that guy get his heart stopped with powerful drugs. Thank you for the closure. I feel very closed." Bull-fucking-shit, huh? It's the big payback, and there are people out there who wanna see this guy die, die, die for what they consider to be the right reasons, and now Our Government has to worry about weasels who wanna get in on the HBO business and go pay-per-view with this thing because there's a First Amendment and stuff.

Again, bull-fucking-shit: This is an elemental example of Our Tax Dollars at Work--USDA-approved revenge, served at room temperature. So let's desensationalize this freak show and put it where it belongs--namely, jammed in there with all the other the deadly boring Government stuff on C-SPAN.

You ever watch any C-SPAN? Jesus Christ. Senate Session--there's a riveting four hours for ya. Or how about The Future of the Democratic Party? Aieee. Forget that high-drama middle-of-the-night execution crap that makes it all exciting and important--I'm telling you, the best thing they could do is have that little needle party on a Tuesday afternoon and put it on the old C-SPAN, with that whole no-moving-the-camera thing they got going on there. Snore city, baby. This way no slickee boys will make money on it like they do with the boxing, and we'll all get our closure, like it says in the Constitution. Government is boring, man, and Evil is banal. It's a match made in, uh, heaven.

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