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Mr. Wrong

Are You Ready For The Holidays?

Smell Of Steve, Inc.

By Joe MacLeod | Posted 12/17/2008

People ask me if I am ready for The Holidays, all up in my grille like "So, are you ready for The Holidays?" and I get a teensy bit irritated, as in, like, what the fuck kinda question is that, "Am I ready for The Holidays?" What if I am not ready for The Holidays? What if I am Unprepared, what are you gonna say, what are you gonna do to me, for my state of non Holiday Readiness? Am I in some kinda Big Holiday Trouble? And by the way, what fucking business is it of yours if I am ready for The Holidays or not? You don't even know my The Holidays, you know? Maybe The Holidays I am not ready for are Dies Natalis Solis Invicti, or Saturnalia, or something along those lines of The Holidays, so why you gotta go and bug me with your projected concerns over your version of The Holidays, hah? Maybe my The Holidays involves some kinda Human Sacrifice action where I gotta go and find somebody who is a Pest and Human Sacrifice their ass at the Festival of Eliminating Annoying Questioners, see? How about this: You fucking go right ahead and get all ready for your The Holidays, and report back to me when you are ready, umkay? How annoying is that, "Are you ready for The Holidays?"

You know, even if all I do is sit on my ass (which is pretty much all I do), there will still be a The Holidays, right? Looka me, man, me and my lazy ass are totally all getting ready for The Holidays, see? I don't have to spend any money or risk my life Out There and my The Holidays will still happen, yes? Yes. So that's what I'm doing right now, seriously, I'm just sitting here, on my non-Holiday ass, and yet, it could be argued (by me) that I am getting ready for The Holidays! Plus, it's gonna be the bestest The Holidays ever, because I am totally ready for you and your annoying "Are you ready for The Holidays?" questioning! Go ahead, ask me, ask me if I am ready for The Holidays, and I will retort with "Wha-aa? Ready for The Holidays? Doesn't it look like I am ready for The Holidays? Why are you asking me about my The Holidays, am I projecting an aura of not-ready-for, in re: The Holidays? I don't think it is very The Holidays of you to put all this extra pressure on me and my The Holidays. I have a Personal Relationship with The Holidays, and quite frankly, I think this is a Trap, and the next thing I know you'll be wanting me to ask about you and your The Holidays, but I'm not going to that dark place, man, so never mind about me and my The Holidays, but really, you just like, go and Have a Holiday, because seriously, this is why people are freaking out, because of People Like You and your stupid-ass 'Are you ready for The Holidays?' question-bullshit." In these Uncertain Economic Times, there are people who are taking their The Holidays very seriously--too seriously, I believe, but who am I to tell people about their The Holidays? I just want everything to be relaxed, you know? Then somebody rolls up with that "Are you ready for The Holidays?" crap, and that could trigger a weaker person's The Holidays Mental Meltdown, man, like: Oh no-ooo! The Holidays! I have to go out and Consume! I'm not ready for my The Holidays of Consumption! How'm I gonna have a good The Holidays without buying lots of New Stuff? The Economies are counting on me to have a consumeriffic The Holidays! What am I gonna do? Hey, maybe the Impending Total Economic Collapse will allow me to bankrupt myself along with kabillions of other Underemployed Americans and then when the Economy Itself goes bankrupt, I will be released from my economic consumo-shackles! Ho ho ho! Aieeeeeee!!!!!

Man, you know what, I think maybe my The Holidays are getting to me a l'il bit. All I wanna do is chill out and sit on my ass and maybe eat some interesting food and be of Good Cheer, so look, just tell me to enjoy my The Holidays if I want to, OK? I mean, I guess maybe you're also trying to be all of Good Cheer or whatever, and I'm just double-reverse projecting my deflection of what I thought you were projecting, so as long as your The Holidays does not extend beyond the tip of my The Holidays, it's all good, so let's all just relax and have a nice The Holidays. If we want to.

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