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Mr. Wrong

Duty-Free Now for The Future

By Joe MacLeod | Posted 1/3/2001

Well, here we are, the 21st Century. Big Fucking Deal. Just wanted to be the first on my block to say this: The 21st Century sucks. I want my money back, OK?

Here it is, like, The Future and everything, and I don't know about you, but I got absolutely nothing to show for it. Zero. No telekinetic powers, no flying car, haven't been to the Moon or even close to outer space yet, haven't met any visitors from Other Worlds who want to share their Limitless Knowledge for the benefit of the People of Earth, or even me for that matter. I haven't even seen a good science-fiction movie lately, and I'm from The Future, where all that Space Odyssey and Death Race stuff is supposed to happen. Where's the enigmatic monolith that was supposed to materialize in my backyard to help me figure out how to use my opposable thumbs and shit, huh? I don't even have a crummy Death Ray or anything what for to dematerialize my enemies from other dimensions. This is the fucking Future? Don't you believe it. Ask for your money back.

Somehow a great fraud has been perpetrated upon us. We still gotta use money as a Medium of Exchange, so that means many of us still have to go to work, which is definitely not what I was hoping for when I became a Citizen of The Future. You're not supposed to have to work for a living in The Future, right? You're supposed to have a Function or a Duty and serve at the pleasure of the First Among Equals or somebody like that. Some green-glowing freak with a giant brain-distended cranium who wears a tunic. We're all supposed to get tunics in The Future. Where's my fucking tunic? I couldn't even find the nice Calvin Klein undershirts at Macy's when I went back to the mall for the after-Xmas bargains, and I am a Citizen of The Future, where all is supposed to be plentiful and abundant, especially the after-Xmas bargains on underpants at the mall.

Something is doubleplus ungood here, and all the voting for all the presidents in the world won't fix it. I have seen The Future and I have no tunic. I'd settle for a jumpsuit, OK? Jumpsuits are futuristic, right? I'm not talking about two-piece track suits like Adidas and Puma, I'm talking about one-piece jumpsuits, made of space-age materials with functional pockets and the belt built right in. Jumpsuits shouldn't only be for convicts and geriatric billionaires. This is The Future. As a matter of fact, it's My Future, so I want to see a concerted effort to get this jumpsuit idea going. And better hats. The best we can do here in The Future is baseball hats turned backward? What kind of future is that? What are all these fashion magazines and teevee shows out there good for if it's still baseball hats turned reverseward for headwear? Can you imagine some baseball player from 1902 or something being magically transported into the future and the only significant improvement in headwear is turning caps backwise? Our hypothetical time traveler would certainly want his money back for such a lackluster Shape of Things to Come, and I want my money back unless somebody gets going on the jumpsuits and better hats and better drugs.

Not to belabor the point or anything, but they're pulling goddamn pharmaceuticals off the shelves faster than they're prematurely approving them, and that will not do in My Future. I get a little sinus-y or something and I want, I dunno, maybe some pseudoephedrine, or some nice phenylpropanolamine, or maybe some ephedrine or something to smooth me out, and now I gotta worry about hemorrhagic stroke. This is The Future; I'm supposed to be able to take a pill to cure the common cold, but no, now all of a sudden I gotta think about hemorrhagic stroke. Jesus Christ. Even better: Now they're gonna take this shit off the shelves because the government is making it harder to get the, uh, usual building blocks used to prepare illicit recreational methamphetamine and amphetamine, and now the crankster-gangsters are scooping up lots of Sudafed to break down into the chemistry kit to prepare homemade speed.

So like I said, all I want in My Future is a nice jumpsuit, some decent hats, and a steady supply of quality over-the-counter medications. And a clean, limitless source of energy, like that whole Atomic Power thing was supposed to be. Sure, all those chowderheads living out in California right now, living in what they all think is The Future, they want more electricity, they're paying out the ass for more electricity, but that shit don't grow on trees, you know? You got to dam lots of mighty rivers to power all those iMacs and Juicemans and DVD players, eh? Not to mention the goddamn electric cars. Where the fuck you gonna plug your electric car in when there ain't enough electricity? Man, what a crappy Future they got going on out there in California. Too bad nobody bought into that Atomic Power thing deep enough out there, huh? They need to just crack a couple more atoms when nobody's looking until they can figure out a clean, safe, and limitless source of energy to run all the wonderful nonpolluting electric cars that they should be driving out there in The Future.

Hey, maybe electric cars mean flying cars, huh? Like we're all supposed to have? Especially the nation's vital pizza-delivery force. Flying pizzas for everybody in My Future.

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