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Mr. Wrong

Bad Stuff About The Mayor

By Joe MacLeod | Posted 1/14/2009

Wowee, I can't believe all this bad Stuff about The Mayor, eh? I mean, really, I kinda can't believe it, and I'm not gonna spend any of my precious (and severely limited) brain power believing it until it is true. I take all that "innocent until proven guilty" crap seriously, and if errbody is all het up running around like "No-ooo! The Mayor's a crook! Aiiiee!!!" Then not much work will get done, you know? Just saying, if you are not actually in the business of trying to send The Mayor up the river, then don't waste time talking about it, you know? Remember all your previous talk in re: The Football and/or The Weather to see how much your talking affects the course of events, OK?

I know first-hand what it is like to be Famous (OK, maybe Almost Famous) on account of my highly popular (with people who read it) and acclaimed (by me) newspaper column, and it sucks. I can't imagine being Famous and then getting a 12-count indictment handed down on top of my head, for real, I don't think I could get much work done, man, I think I would have to go into, like, seclusion or something at an undisclosed location, so until The Mayor is guilty as charged, I think she should be allowed to focus on her job of The Mayor, without all the chitchat about the Indictments. I mean, I know she has to prepare her defense of all the charges, I just don't think people oughta waste their own personal time on speculation and stuff, unless it is for the purpose of organizing a Betting Pool featuring all the possible outcomes. It's like, there's 12 Indictments, so that makes a nice range of possibilities, you know? Anywhere from one to twelve Prosecutions and Convictions, plus the possibilities of Dismissals, and I'm sure there's a whole mess of other legal outcomes, not to mention, of course, some Not Guilties, which you are supposed to be presuming right now in your head, until proven otherwise in a court of law. So let's review: Blabbering pointlessly about The Mayor's Situation is a waste of valuable Human Resources in these, the Uncertain Economic Times, but look, if somebody can organize a decent Office Pool, I say: Get In On It.

Yeah, baby, personally, I'm gonna focus on that kind of stuff, stuff that is More Important, as in: The Gambling, as in: Where the fuck is The Gambling? I thought we passed a Law or something in November that said we were gonna have Casinos? Slot Machines? What kinda bullshit is this? We The People are losing all kindsa urgently needed Revenue, right? Where's all the dough that's supposed to be going into the Coffers, for the Education or whatever? Why aren't there tents set up right now someplace in this City featuring The Gambling? What kind of a lame-ass crew do we have running this shit? Where's my goddamn Gambling? I want The Gambling! It's the year Two Thousand and Niner and we voted for The Gambling last year! Gambling!

If I was in charge, I would have a goddamn barge floating out in that fucking Inner Harbor right now with some Slot Machines on it, you know? There's Tourists to be fleeced! Tempus fucking Fugit, you know? How hard is it to get some container ships full of Slot Machines down here? Doesn't anybody want to fill the Coffers? The Coffers are dry! Gambling!

I don't even care what kind of Gambling it is anymore, you know? I used to be pissed off about how the whole Horse Racing thing was messed up, with no proper Off Track Betting system in the state, and I still say there shouldn't be a Robot Horse game like they have on the Keno because it's disrespectful to the Sport of Kings, having video computer-animated Robot Horses pretend to race each other on Keno screens. If there are to be Robot Horses, then they should be real Robot Horses out riding around on a real track with real Robot (or human) Jockeys on 'em, you know? Hi ho!

I also used to be pissed about how right now we're only supposed to have slot machines, and I dunno if that means just slot machines or if it means some of those poker machines too, but whatever, because I predict eventually it'll mutate into More and Better kinds of Wagering, like Blackjack and Dice and Roulette and Pai Gow and Texas Hold 'Em and everything else, because at some point all the other states around us will shift their games to attract suckers from other states! That's why we should just go Nuclear-Option right now and get a fucking dog track installed someplace fast. It could be Robot Dogs, I don't care, man, we gotta have an edge to attract the tourists, you know? Or a Sports Book! That would be awesome, we could wager on all the football games and political events right now, man. We could even get some action down on The Mayor, I bet.,

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