Jesus Christ, of course it's hot. Beads of sweat -- and don't give me that crap about how only horses sweat, and we're supposed to perspire, thank you very much, because I fucking sweat, OK? You go and perspire someplace, sunshine. Anyway, beads of sweat are forming on the beads of sweat that are running down my face and trickling out of my nasty, stinking pits and cascading down my back and pooling into little sweaty sweat-pools in various strategic clefts and vile abutments on my overcooked physique. And, of course, as I stand out on one of the sidewalks of our fair city, baking away, just minding my own business, the first knucklehead who walks by just has to, has to, has to hit me with that little relatable- topic item, just has to reach out and touch me with that little piece of meteorological small talk, that little small-world ice-breaker or whatever we call those excuses for actual meaningful, productive conversation being made over and over and overandoverandover on days like this: "Sure is hot out here today, huh?"

Jesus Christ. What the fuck do you say to that? "Duhhhrrrr, yep, shore is hot out here in the weather today, yupyupyup. Hot. Whew! You got it! I am experiencing the same weather phenomenon as you, my friend. It's high temperatures causing uncomfortableness all over town today on account of the heat." My brain is baking, and this boob is poking it with his sharp little stupid-sticks of irritation. Must. Find. Shade. Must. Find. Water. Must. Escape. Idiots. . . . Blacking out. Idiot standing over me. At least it's shady now. Feel. Water. Water. Splashing. On face. Wait. No. No. Not. Water. Idiot. No. No. Auurrrggghhhhgulugguh.

This famous writer Mark Twain (not his real name) came up with something like "Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody ever does anything about it." That's Mark Twain's way of saying, "NO SHIT, SHERLOCK, IT'S HOT (OR RAINY OR COLD OR WINDY) OUT. IT'S CALLED THE WEATHER, AND IT HAPPENS EVERY SINGLE GODDAMN DAY. SO WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP AND CONCENTRATE ON ACCOMPLISHING SOMETHING TODAY INSTEAD OF ANNOYING ME WITH YOUR MASTERY OF THE OBVIOUS?"

Of course, Mark Twain -- or maybe it was Will Rogers, the guy who did all the Mark Twain-type quotable-quotes stuff without writing any famous books -- but whoever it was, they were, like, literary giants or something, so they had this responsibility to come up with witty retorts to moronic queries instead of being able to just pull the old NO SHIT play whenever anyone irritated them with humidity-centered stupidness. As for the rest of us, we always talk a whole bunch of shit about how everybody is always talking about the weather and not doing anything about it. So let's make a new law, OK? Unless you are actually doing something about the weather, like maybe working for NASA or the Red Chinese Commies or the Alien Occupying Force or anyone else who is actively trying to control the planet's weather, please shut the fuck up about how hot or cold or moist it is unless it's a matter of Life or Death. Example: "Hey, it's so fucking hot out right now, I suggest you better not go outside because I saw an Englishman walking a mad dog and they both burst into flames on account of the heatness of the hot."

Now that is an acceptable weather discussion. Saying stuff like "Boy howdy, it's hot out dere, but, well, I'd rather sweat than freeze, huh?" doesn't make it, because, well, I'd rather you shut up than prattle on and use up my oxygen talking about the goddamn weather, see? And that goes double for "Ya know, come January, we'll wish we had this day back, yessir." Come January, I'll still want you to shut the fuck up about the weather.

Let's leave the weather discussion to the professionals. They're annoying too, but at least they're actually giving us valuable information. Frightening as it is to ponder, Norm and Tony and Dr. Bob and Marty and those other freaks are actually serving a purpose besides giving us all somebody to goof on. Can you imagine their day when there's extreme weather? Jesus Christ. "Hey, teevee weather guy, let's talk about the weather, because you talk about it on the teevee, so you must wanna talk about it right now with me! Hey, it shore wuz hot today, huh? Huh? Hey, you were off by 3 degrees yesterday, can I have 'em back? You owe me mah 3 degrees of temperature, haw, haw! Hey, teevee weather man, you come shovel my walk when you get the snow inches wrong, OK? Haw! Boy, there sure was some weather yesterday, huh?"

Actually, those teevee weather freaks make pretty good dough, so maybe it's sort of part of their job to talk about the weather with all us teevee-watchers. Community relations, right? They gotta interact with the viewers. OK, then, talk about the fucking weather all you want, but not with me. You will only talk about the weather with a designated teevee weather forecaster. They get the long dollars to read that stuff on teevee; I wanna see them suffer. Suffer, teevee weather freaks. Nyahahahahahaa! I think maybe the heat's getting to me. Sure was hot today, huh? Bwaahahahaha!

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