Now Is the Winter of My Discontent
OK, so I was all optimistic about the Year of Our Lord Two Thousand and Niner, but that was like three weeks ago, back when I had a newspaper column that ran every other week, but now I have a newspaper column that runs every three weeks, and sure, I want to complain about it--I kinda am right now--but it's not as easy as bitching about the difference between having a weekly column--like some columns in this paper used to be, in this weekly Alternative Weekly--and an every-third-week column, which mathematically I think would be like 33.3 % less column, I guess? Or maybe 66.6 % less than if it was a weekly column? Yeah, there's some sorta Mathematical equation in here someplace, like, if x = a Year's Worth of Every-Other-Week Columns, then a year's worth of Now My Column Only Runs Every Third Week = Bullshit. So anyway, I can't even find a good way to complain about this shit, and it's cold out, and the fucking Groundhog saw his shadow because it was sunny. Fucking Groundhog.
Now look, I'm a big fan of the Groundhog Day Holiday, and I think it should be an Official Holiday, even, with a day off and stuff like that, especially since it is usually right on the heels of Super Bowl, and hey, didja see any Super Bowl? Even some commercials? I liked the one where the lady had a pet rhinoceros and it ran out of her house without opening the door. That was pretty funny, although I can't remember what it was a commercial for, while I totally remember the Doritos one with the guy who had the crystal ball and he broke open the snack machine, and that commercial was funny up to a point, but then ended up with some random violence on somebody's groin, which is always a disappointment, even on the America's Funniest Home Videos TV program, you know? Also, what's up with having a commercial showing how to steal Doritos?? Didn't the Frito-Lay company run that concept into the ground with their beloved and ethnically disparaging "Frito Bandito" character a kabillion years ago? Yeah. I also enjoyed the commercial where Alec (Alex? What the hell is his name on the 30 Rock?) Baldwin shows how Teevee does not rot your brain and then totally stabs Teevee in the back by commanding you to watch it on the Internet! That was pretty shocking, and I am generally against the Internet, but if they keep putting all kinds of delicious Television on it, I'm gonna have to figure something out, kna'mean? I'll tell you some other shit about Super Bowl, man, I heard there was some local cable company that got sabotaged or something and they had a few seconds of a porno on instead of Super Bowl, but here in Baltimore, USA, they, the TV channel, whose name I will not reveal--however I will tell you their initials are Number 11--ran the goddamn Lottery drawing on this stupid dual-screen thing during the Halftime Festivities. Nice call Number 11, it was the most energetic and exciting part of National Treasure and Presidential Supporter Bruce Springsteen's performance and you screwed it up by showing someone talking and pulling those bingo-ball numbers. Why didn't you just put 'em up on the screen like you did with the three and four-digit gambling?
And hey, speaking of the president, how smart is that guy? He got some free air time with Matt Lauer on the pre-game, and he even picked the winning team, although he didn't mention if that was with or without the point-spread, but I will give him a Presidential Mulligan on that shit. Nice one, Mr. President, now let's get the fucking economy going, umkay?
So after Faith Hill (I think) sang "America the Beautiful" and then proceeded to get her ass handed to her by Jennifer Hudson, who sang the fucking National Anthem, there was also some good football action this Super Bowl, and I had a serious Couch Hangover the next day, so I wish the New Administration could figure out a way to have Groundhog Day come the day after Super Bowl and then give us all the day off without having to lie to The Boss about being sick, although I guess it is different to call in sick with a cold in your nose as opposed to still being drunk from Super Bowl, but still, let's see what We The People can do about my Groundhog Initiative, pushing Groundhog closer to Super Bowl so we can heal as a Nation, and I'm not all like superstitious or whatever about the Groundhog Day, man, because there is a sound Scientific Principle upon which Groundhog Weather Theory is based, and it is so simple even I can understand it, to wit: If it be sunny out-of-doors, Groundhog will see yon Shadow, and six more weeks of Winter there will be. Conversely, if it is an overcast day, there will be no cast Shadow for Ye Groundhogge to discern, and that means it's only six more weeks until Spring, get it? See, I'm not so strong on the Math, but I am totally a Man of Science! The only really good action on Groundhog Day is if it is Partly Cloudy, because then it's basically a coin toss, eh?
Anyway, there are people who make big bucks interpreting the perceptions of the Groundhog. OK, maybe it's a volunteer effort, I dunno, I'm just saying it's all about your perceptions, and now I got Less Columns to perceive them in. Write your fucking Congressman.
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