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Mr. Wrong

Behind the Blue M&M

By Joe MacLeod | Posted 4/8/2009

The other day I bought some M&M'S, the Peanut kind, because if you buy candy that has a peanut in it, you can justify the purchase, on account of peanuts--when not improperly handled and made into peanut butter that will fucking kill you with the Salmonella--are Nutritious, which balances out the real reason you (OK, not You; I) bought the goddamn candy in the first place, to wit; the delicious Candy part. So I got my little shiny yellow envelope of M&M'S, and I opened it and put all the M&Ms onto my desk so it will be easier to start popping them into my candy-hole because if I just go and pour 'em all into my mouth, the candy experience is over too quickly, yes? So I got my little M&M office party ready to rock and I look at the M&M'S and it's like, there's no Brown M&M'S and way more Blue M&M'S than I am comfortable with.

One Blue M&M is enough to make me feel uncomfortable, owing to my long-standing problem with the Blue M&M. First of all, There's hardly any blue food, right? It's like, you got blueberries, and, uh, bleu cheese, and I think there's some kinda potato that is blue on purpose? That's about it, blue-foodwise, until you get to food coloring some food into blueness, which I do not support, and my biggest problem with that is the Blue M&M.

I don't fucking like the Blue M&M, see? While I do not completely Hate on it (because it is, after all, an M&M), I am coming to the conclusion that it is now The Reason there are so few Brown M&M'S, the same way they (the freaks at the M&Mfabrik, not the Blue M&M'S) went and exterminated the Beige M&M when they rolled out this Blue fucking M&M. Furthermore, I miss the Beige M&M, also known as the Light Brown M&M; it was low-profile, unassuming, just kinda showed up and did its job, you know? But then I guess they decided there were too many Brown M&M'S, dark and light, and a Blue M&M would make people Consume more M&M'S or something, I guess. Whatever. So I'm looking at those M&M'S and not one goddamn fucking Brown M&M. I now direct you to Photographic Evidence of zero Brown M&Ms and three Blue M&Ms in my latest bag of M&M'S: peanut, OK?

Anyway, I ate 'em, the M&M'S, even the Blue ones (but I closed my eyes) and then a few days later I was pleased to purchase some M&M'S with almonds in 'em, because I am pretty sure almonds are even more way healthier than peanuts, even, and there was only one fucking brown M&M in the fucking bag. This is bullshit, man, and I went and looked on the M&M web site, and there's this thing where it's like "What is your favorite M&M'S® color?" and guess what your choices are, hah? Just guess, there's five colors that the M&M'S people think could be Your Favorite M&M color, and guess what color is not there, eh? Here's the five colors from left to right in the Computer Screen-Capture Evidence I collected off the M&M'S own web site:

Yellow, Red, Green, Blue, Orange.

There is no fucking Brown M&M that even gets a chance to be Your Favorite M&M! It's a fix! I'm not imagining this shit, man; they are gonna destroy the Brown M&M. And spare me the Van Halen thing about how they didn't allow Brown M&M'S, OK? That was a Control Issue, and I never heard anybody from Van Halen specifically advocating the Elimination of the Brown M&M as a species.

I'm not sure what to do about this. I'm certainly not gonna stop eating M&M'S, and right now while we are in these Uncertain Economic Times I can't, like, Write My Congressman about the Brown M&M, because The Government is supposed to be hard at work solving all our problems, you know? Like this Automobile Industry? We The People are gonna fix that exactly how, by buying more fucking cars? Are you kidding me? Everybody is gonna buy less of everything, and cheaper, OK? I have previously directed my comments at The Rich in re: Save the Economy by Spending Some of Your Riches, and while I have no quarrel with Rich People in general, and hope someday a Rich Person might see their way clear to maybe, like, adopting me or something, in this Time of Crisis not even Rich People can save us, as in U.S., because if you are Rich, it's not like you're gonna buy a whole bunch of Chevys, you know? You're gonna wanna go a bit more high end, eh? I know I would, if I was given a chance to be Rich.

But still, this is a crazy time to buy a car, huh? All these deals, with the low interest and the rebates and discounts? And the thing where if you buy a car and lose your job you can give the car back? I saw the Major Motion Picture Repo Man. Isn't that kinda how that works anyway? Plus, the President of the United States of America has guaranteed the warranty if you buy a Chevrolet or a Chrysler? I sure wish I had some money so I could take advantage of the collapse of the Automobile Industry by purchasing a new car. Maybe if I spent less money stuffing M&M'S into my face and less time bitching about the Blue M&M, I could buy one, huh? I don't think I would want a brown one, though. Now Blue, that's a pretty nice color for a car, you know?,

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