Making Less Cents
I don't know about you, but this fucking Recession is hitting me hard, man. First of all, here in the pages and pixels of Baltimore's Most Weekly Newspaper and Web Site, my column got demoted from once every other week to once every other-other week, which is to say once every three fucking weeks, so what that means is I don't Get Paid in the manner to which I am accustomed, and that is beyond Recession, man, it is Depressing, seriously. I'm no Math Major, but if you put a dollar-sign up in front of that shit, it adds up, you know? I mean, one day I'm getting a--ka-ching!--check every other week, almost, except for the fucking "Special Issues" (where for some reason the Editors have decided "Special" means No Columns), and then alla sudden I'm only getting a check like, what, two-thirds of before? Right? Anyway, math is hard, and all I know is: I'm getting less. I'm not an ingrate or anything though, seriously, I know the jobs are dropping like flies out there and I should be grateful I have, like, a Day Job plus this other Column thing (which is basically like stealing, I know, but that's only if you have a problem with the "Writing," so if you do, you should totally ask for your money back, I'm keeping mine), meanwhile, I am still filling up some space with words, and that is still something one can Get Paid for, so as long as it is, I will totally bitch about not Getting Paid enough and not Getting Paid more frequently, dig? I'm, like, ambitious, or greedy or something. Mostly Greedy, I believe.
The other thing I can totally bitch about is my column getting Fired, because my friends at the Splicetoday.com Web site decided they didn't want to pay me anymore for making the Mr. Wrong there, so now it's like, no more check from Splicetoday.com, and that's also totally Recession-Depressing, you know? This means I'm only cashing a check once every three weeks! Or less! It's like, last week was the special "Sizzlin' Summer" episode of Baltimore's Most Special Weekly, and that's when my column shoulda ran, so, like, my Personal Economy gets damaged even more by the slowdown in my Cash Flow, you know? I totally woulda embraced the Theme of "Sizzlin' Summer" and wrote a column that was all about, like, Summer and stuff, probably about how much I hate having to cut my lawn, and how stupid it is to have a lawn, and the word "lawn" is weird, and how I am thinking of putting cement on my front yard and painting it green or something so I don't have to deal with having a fucking lawn that grows back every week after I cut it, jeez, and I would totally hire somebody to take care of this lawn-bullshit shit for me on account of how I am a Busy Person, but now, with the Economies and stuff, my whole Cash Flow is compromised, you know? How am I supposed to maintain a Cable Teevee habit if there is a kink in my Cash Flow hose? And what about snacks? I can't afford snacks just on my Day Job, man, I gotta have Alternative Revenue Streams to wet my beak in, you know? Now I have to like, think about what to do in These Uncertain Economic Times, because and furthermore, while I have previously gone on record stating the amount of money I Gets Paid for writing my column (mostly to annoy the Haters) has been like One Hundred and Ninety Dollars and No Cents, on top of being diluted in frequency to one-third of the time, I just got my remuneration-shit rolled back to like, 1997 pre-21st Century rates, and will now receive One Hundred Sixty-Five Dollars and No Cents. No cents, man! This means I'm only stealing a percentage of what I was stealing four weeks ago.
In addition to typing this column, I am also a frequent Giver of Advice (usually unasked-for), and the Guidance I have offered to many is that Right Now is the time for Personal Development and Self-Promotion, so in order to protect my phony-baloney column and whatever future cash-trickle I might be able to wring out of it, I figure what the fuck, I mean, it never would have occurred to me, but maybe I'm right, eh? I mean, maybe Now, in the grips of the Recession-Depression, is the time for me to Personally Develop and Self-Promote the Mr. Wrong, so I am totally putting my mouth where my advice is and now I am writing a shiny new Mr. Wrong "column" every week at theawl.com, so if you are looking at these words Internetically or whatever, you should type those letters into your Universal Resource Locator-thing and see what happens, and if you don't like it, go ahead and ask somebody for your money back.
The Harsh Reality of My Economy is: I'm gonna have to go completely off the Cable Teevee and get one of those Digital Converter Boxes and Digital Antennas, so I can get as much Free Television as possible, man. I'm gonna miss Cable Teevee, but it's either that or Food, man. I can't think of any more Luxuries to try and Economize on except for clothing, and I'm strictly thrift store at this point, you know? You can get a perfectly good job-interview suit at the Goodwill for 15 bucks, man, I guarantee it.
812 Park Ave.
Baltimore, MD 21201