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Mr. Wrong

Somebody Stole My Bike

By Joe MacLeod | Posted 6/17/2009

What's worse is it's my fault, man. That means I can only (mostly) complain about myself, but still: Criminals! They (the Criminals) stole my fucking bike, which a friend of mine gave me, a no-name "beach cruiser" type of bike, a promotional item from a magazine--if you can fucking believe a few years ago magazines had enough dough to hand out whole bicycles, even if they were crappy ones--black, with no gears (or I guess only one gear) and it had Ye Olde coaster brakes where you sorta halfway try and pedal backwards and it slows your shit down, eventually, but it was kinda cool, and I bought one of those special Kryptonite™ locks for it, and I attached the Kryptonite™ lock-holder to my bike so it would conveniently hold my Kryptonite™ lock, and it totally worked, I pedalled my ass around a little bit and learned all about why having more than one gear on a bike is Good, especially if you are not exactly Lance Armstrong and shit, you know? So I would beach-cruise around and find something good to lock my bike to with the Kryptonite™ and I managed to not get it stolen when I was cycling around town, as it were. I even bought a helmet, man. That is some fucking Commitment, when you purchase a helmet, you know? Right, I know, I shoulda been wearing a helmet 24-7, har har.

So anyway, I kinda got into the bike riding, see, and went out and paid Real Money for another bike, one with gears and hand-squeezy brakes and shit, but I never got around to getting a lock for it, so I would take the lock off the one-speed bike and carry it in a bag or stick in my belt loop because the lock-holder was on the Original bike, and so I would chance it when I took the New bike out and just leave the OG wheels hanging upside-down under my deck, but it's not like I was going out on the all-day bike trail or anything, man--I ain't exactly up to the conditioning standards for the Tour de Baltimore yet, you know? So I wouldn't be gone for long, and nobody stole the bike (yet), and I would come back and then lock the two bikes together and it was all good until I got Lazy and grew Fatigued with lifting the New Bike up to hang it with the Old Bike, so I the locked the New Bike to the fence underbeneath the upside-down-hanging bike and left the Old Bike unlocked, and now it's gone. Yeah, real bright, I know, but still: Criminals!

It's like that part in the Major Motion Picture Full Metal Jacket where the Drill Sergeant hollers at "Pvt. Pyle" for leaving his footlocker unlocked:

HARTMAN: Jesus H. Christ! Private Pyle, why is your footlocker unlocked?

PYLE: Sir, I don't know, sir!

HARTMAN: Private Pyle, if there is one thing in this world that I hate, it is an unlocked footlocker! You know that, don't you?

PYLE: Sir, yes, sir!

HARTMAN: If it wasn't for dickheads like you, there wouldn't be any thievery in this world, would there?

PYLE: Sir, no, sir!

I would do some quotes from the Major Motion Picture Pee-wee's Big Adventure, but the bike in that movie was totally stylin' and my bike was kinda rusty, but still: Criminals! Stole my goddamn unlocked bike from under my house! I know, I know.

I understand the theory behind the whole thing where if everything is locked up then we don't have to worry about thieves, but why do I have to feel like it is completely my fault my bike got swiped, hah? I got enough going on in my life with these Uncertain Economic Times and underemployment and trying to figure out if I can get that "Hulu" Computer Internet Teevee shit to work in my house when I get rid of Cable Teevee, you know?

And of course now I have to file a Report with The Police. I figure it will probably go a lot like the preceding exchange between Sgt. Hartman and "Pvt. Pyle," you know?

THE POLICE: Jesus H. Christ! Why was your bicycle unlocked?

ME: Sir, I don't know, sir! Well, I kinda do, I only had one Kryptonite™ bike lock and I locked the more expensive bike.

THE POLICE: If there is one thing in this world that I hate, it is an unlocked bicycle! You know that, don't you?

ME: Sir, yes, sir! I mean, I was gonna buy another bike lock . . .

THE POLICE: If it wasn't for dickheads like you, there wouldn't be any thievery in this world, would there?

ME: Sir, no, sir! But what about the Criminals?

So look, if you see a black "beach cruiser" type bike that looks stolen, lemme know, OK? I will offer a Reward of five dollars cash and a coupon good for two dollars off any Supreme Pizza at Pizza Hut™ for information leading to the return of the bicycle, unless maybe you want to buy it off me. I have the lock that goes with it.

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