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Mr. Wrong

Dude, Where's My Casino?

Posted 7/29/2009

I still haven't heard anything from Baltimore TV veteran Richard Sher about putting me on his Square Off teevee show on WMAR, which is "Channel 2," but actually more like "Channel 2-001" now with the new Digital Teevee, which sucks because it turns out I can't get a picture in Certain Rooms of my castle without having to spend 50 bucks on a special new Digital Teevee Antenna, but at the same time the Exciting New Digital Teevee is super-terrific because It Is Free. Yeah, baby, I need all the Free I can get right now, especially since I hadda cancel my Cable Television on account of The New Economy, more specifically, my Own Personal Economies of (Diminishing) Scale, so I'm totally going through Withdrawal, man, like, I'm not even kidding about this, today I sat in front of my television set and, like, the Feeling I got from it, man, you know, it's just not the same now that I don't have hundreds of channels to skip over, like, there's no little synopses to read anymore while I'm watching .3 of a second of each channel, no channels like the "Fine Living" channel to look at and wonder how the hell they stay on the air, or cable, as it were, nope, I don't get any of that stuff any more because it is a Luxury, the Cable TV, and this is My New Economy, so I have been experiencing Sleeplessness, Nausea, Fatigue, Stomach Cramps, Dizziness, Anxiety, Drowsiness, Sleepwalking, Sleepdriving, Sleepeating, and Restless Leg Syndrome since I took my Cable Television Boxes back to the Cable Television place, and it's like, I know, I can watch the Digital Teevee (just not in every room of my house until I buy a new fucking antennae), but it's cool because they have like two weather channels and this movie channel (which is called "this," which is not helpful) that shows movies that kinda aren't good enough to be on Cable but if you don't have Cable it's awesome because it's a whole channel of Movies That Are Better Than The Infomercial For The Tiny Circular Saw, and there's a Spanish version of Public Television where sometimes I can run the Closed Captioning and try and match up the captions with the Español, which is totally Educational and Good For My Brain, and like I said, Free, which is my Price Point right now. Ho, boy, I'm feeeeeeling a little dizzy. Hold on while I go lie down.

OK, I just want to say, like no offense to Cable Teevee, because if I had the money, I would have Every Channel, especially the International ones like "RTN /WMNB (Russian)," and stuff, and really, if I had the dough, I would also have a satellite dish and anything else to give me what I always want from Television, which is: More. That's all I want, and right now I got the "Rabbit Ears" going and I really want More Television, and I know, I can watch Teevee on the Internet, but that's like Watching Teevee on the Internet, man, seriously, I want to watch Teevee on my Television, OK? I want the Television to wash over me, non-interactively, you know?

But look, all I am basically complaining about is that I want more money, because then that would instantly be converted into more Television, so the real problem here is the State of Maryland and the City of Baltimore for not having the fucking Slot Machines up and running. How else am I gonna be able to score some extra loot for Cable? How long has it been since We The People approved this goddamn Slot Machine Gambling, hah? There's a fucking empty lot on Russell Street with no casino on it, man, what the fuck? How is this City supposed to get more money for textbooks or whatever they (and you know who They are) said is gonna happen with the shower of cold, hard coin that's supposed to be raining down already for the Benefit of Our Fair City? Again, there is an empty fucking lot right near the Greyhound terminal. I have enumerated my many solutions for the Immediate intake of Gambling Revenue, and I will again make my suggestions, because this whole thing where only a few bidders were allowed to Get In On It is total bullshit because we don't have any Slot Machines yet, do we?

  1. Corner stores and bars that already have the so-called "poker machines" that errbody knows are used for Gambling and the State does not get a cut.
  2. Boats in the Inner Harbor. C'mon, man, you just put a buncha slot machines on a barge or one of those Booze Cruise boats, right? Ka-ching!
  3. The Airport.
  4. The Train Station.
  5. Public Schools.
  6. Everywhere.

I have also previously said I have nothing against Mayor Sheila Dixon, who is Innocent until proven Guilty in a Court of Law, and quite frankly, if her Crime consists of pocketing some gift cards, I say mark it and move the fuck on, because I am very happy with the Garbage Collection and the Recycling and stuff, and there's like streets getting paved and sidewalks getting worked on, so like, I totally support the Mayor, especially if she could figure out a way to get some Slot Machines in the Farm Store or whatever.

E-mail Baltimore TV veteran Richard Sher and tell him to put me on Square Off: squareoff@wmar.com

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