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Mr. Wrong

Red Line Fever

By Joe MacLeod | Posted 8/19/2009

I am a resident of the City of Baltimore, and I am very excited about this new Red Line. You too, right? C'mon, it's like, Transportation for the Masses, The Future, etc., and More, yes? Yeah, man, Red Line! More Transportation! It is now my favorite Transportation Line color, although I actually don't know any of the other colors, so if there's an Azurite or maybe a nice Cerulean Blue Line out there, I might change my mind, but right now I'm-All-Red-Line-All-The-Time, baby! Red Line! Going places! Let's take the Red Line to a place and have some fun and then take the Red Line back from whence we sallied forth, eh? And we will be Publickly Transporting our asses Hither and Yon, Red Line-wise, umkay? I wonder how much it will cost, but I bet it will be a Bargain, right? I mean, to go all the way over There from Here! And no car! Massively Transportating!

So that's where I stand (or sit) on the Red Line, unless it is crowded, in which case it's back to where I stand, Red Line-centricly, however, like many things I don't completely (as in 99 percent mostly Do Not) understand, why is it that the Red Line is Controversial or whatever with this "Baltimore Red Line Underground" resistance movement of which I saw a poster from in Canton the last time I was down there? And by the way, I woulda stayed longer if I coulda taken a Light Rail or Subway or whatever the Red Line is gonna be. I wish the Red Line was a Monorail, man. That would be cool. Whatever it is, I read from Our Government it will be done by the year 2013. Or 2016. I'm sure my Honda won't be running any more by then, so give me that Red Line, OK?

I'm not a big fan of the Light Rail we have now that goes all the way from Baltimore-Washington International Thurgood Marshall Airport to, er, someplace above the city, I forget where, but I know it goes to the State of Maryland State Fair sometimes, right? It's Good Times to take the Light Rail to the State Fair (of the State of Maryland) and go, like, eat something Fried and bet on the ponies and drink many fine Maryland State Fair beers and not have to worry where you parked the car because you did not bring your car! You brought your Light Rail! That's a good use of the Light Rail for me, Northbound. Now Southbound, I have taken the Light Rail to the International Airport in order to climb on a plane, and the travel time is a pretty good trade if you don't want to pay for cab or "Long Term Parking," and/or you lack the Industriousness to obtain a ride from one of the hotel shuttles in town, and if you've heard this one before, run along and find the Kookee-Krazee Sudoku or whatever you can turn to or click on in the rest of this paper and/or pixels of Web Site, because I'm still pissed about this International Airport situation, where we have an International Airport, planes go all over the World, and if you arrive via airplane at the International Airport on a Sunday after 9 p.m. you are Shit Out of Luck, Light Rail-speaking, because they don't roll trains North very much after 9 p.m., from the International Airport, on a Sunday. I hadda wait in the fucking Post-Apocalyptic underbeneath "Arriving Flights" Street-Hell level of the International Airport, which, if you have never experienced it, Don't, OK? It is loud, dark, there are mega-noxious Automobile and Shuttle Bus vapors, and it is generally unpleasant and scary. I had my Plan to walk through the relatively peaceful environs of the inside of the International Airport out to the Light Rail stop, climb on board a train, and be efficiently transported to the Heart of the City, but since the Light Rail can't run at least once an hour after 9 p.m. so The People who climb off a plane on a Sunday at the 24-7 International Airport can get on a Light Rail, I had to wait for a cab, and there was this guy who was on some sort of Carbon Monoxide-induced power trip whose Job Description appeared to be yelling and screaming and cursing out loud in front of the Delicate Ears of Children at cabs to get them to line up. Welcome to fucking Baltimore, Jesus H. Christ.

Anyway, the BRLU has all this stuff on their Internets about how pretty much Every. Last. Fucking. Thing about this exciting and futuristic Red Line, my fucking Red Line that I have already taken positive and enthusiastic Mental Ownership of, is too Expensive and Dangerous and Unsightly and Poorly Planned, and coincidentally it goes through their neighborhood, but look, that's because you live in a neighborhood people want to go to, OK? There are all kinds of great places to eat and drink in Fells Point and Canton, and no place to park without having an aneurism, and I would totally take the Red Line (especially if it was a Monorail) and the tracks (or Monorail) need to go through someplace, so good luck in your fight against Progress, but basically the selling point of this Mass Transit is: More, and that's tough to fight, but if you guys make the Red Line actually work and be inexpensive and attractive, could you make it run from the International Airport after 9 p.m.?

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