Next week in the pages and pixellations of Baltimore's Best Free Alternative News and Information and Entertainment and Wacky Astrology and Sex Column and Sudoku Weekly is the biggest-deal issue of the year that people always have issues with, namely the City Paper Best of Baltimore episode, and it used to annoy me mostly because I would end up getting screwed out of a week's worth of my column that used to run every other week, but now that the Mr. Wrong runs once every three fucking weeks, for fuck's sake, I kinda don't feel it anymore. Every three weeks, jeez, I can hardly remember to even write my column anymore, you know?
But anyway, the "Best of Baltimore" edition plops down next week, and it will be filled with all kinds of crap about what is The Best, like the Best Hot Dog maybe, or the Best Place to Buy Something, or the Best Thing That Somebody Does for Money, or even the Best Reason to Be Mean to the Mayor or something like that, and most people realize it is a bit of fun, and not to take it too fucking seriously, but some individuals get pissed off about what gets picked to be "The Best," and they bitch about it, which is certainly your Right as a Baltimore-American, to bitch about stuff, but look, if you had your heart set on getting a "Best of" for your taco stand or dog-clothing emporium and you don't get it this time, don't get mad at the paper, man, take all that negative Disappointment Energy and turn it into the start of your Campaign for a "Best of" next year, OK?
I contend that a fine way to get a "Best of" is to get everybody you know to vote for your ass in the "Reader's Poll," which is where the Readers of Baltimore's Most-Read Alternative Weekly That Has a "Best of Baltimore" Edition get to say what is "The Best," of Baltimore, and it is totally like, Democratic and shit, which is also according to the opinion of many people, the Best Form of Government, and I think if there isn't a category for like, your, I dunno, your Thing that you wanna see get a "Best Thing" award in 2010 A.D., then you have to do some Public Relations, you know? You have to Educate people at the paper about your Falafel Cart or Industrial Steam Punk Music Night or whatever, and sometimes the best way to do that is to send Free Stuff to the paper so we can Evaluate it, you know? Yeah, and it's not even a bribe or anything, seriously! It's an important part of the Scientific Method, to Observe or possibly Eat free stuff, you know? The Economy has been in the shitter, man, some of us here at Baltimore's Most Successful Alternative Weekly With Ads In It That Reach A Highly Qualified Target Demographic of Consumers have suffered some Financial Setbacks such as getting their column cut to every three weeks, you know? Anyway, we're all up in here working and stuff, pecking away typing crap for people to read, and we don't always have the time to discover things that are The Best, like for instance, the Best Champagne in Baltimore, or the Best Non-Sexual Massage That Will Come to Your Office and Give You a Massage, or the Best Lunch in Baltimore. Around 1:30 is a good time to Educate about lunch, I think. Just saying. Personally, I think the Mr. Wrong column is the Best Column in Baltimore, seriously. I mean, the Mr. Wrong column goes where no other column goes, and I'm not just talking about all the Bad Words, you know? Seriously, the Mr. Wrong column has Opinions about everything, man. This Column predicted in the Year of Our Lord 2007 that Barack Hussein Obama would be the 44th President of the United States of America, and offered to take All Action on wagers to the contrary, and this column continues to handle Important Topics such as Slot Machines, Fried Chicken, Restless Leg Syndrome, and whatever new super-fatass stuffed, folded, or mutilated dough product Domino's Pizza is pooping out. What other fucking column does that, hah?
Yeah, and I would never campaign for it beyond telling people who read the Mr. Wrong on paper or computer that it is The Best, but a few weeks ago I was trying to get on Baltimore TV veteran Richard Sher's Square Off program on Channel 2 and I totally shoulda just told Baltimore TV Veteran Richard Sher that maybe he would get a "Best of" if he put me on his show, eh? That wouldn't have been a good deal, though, to trade a Highly Valuable and Influential City Paper "Best of Baltimore" award for a coupla minutes on a relatively obscure local public-affairs television program, right? I mean a "Best of" award opens up all kinds of Opportunity for Businesses and Individuals, which is why people get so bent outta shape when they don't get one, right? Boy, I'm glad I didn't do anything like that, and anyway, you got no proof.
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