It really sucks having a column that only comes out every three weeks, seriously. I mean, last week I woulda had some Opinions and stuff about Balloon Boy or whatever was happening last week, but now Balloon Boy is over, right? I mean, now it's boring because it was an Inside Job or whatever, so who cares, right? No offense to Balloon Boy, or Box Boy, I guess it should be now, because he hid in a box, and, I mean, I know it's not his fault, and maybe he will be able to Rehabilitate himself or something, but I'm not about following him on the Twitter, which is also Over, I think, right? It's enough Twitter, yes? I mean the Discussion? It was like the Teevee and Newspapers and Radio and the parts of the Internet that were Not Twitter were all blabbering about Twitter and people in Real Life talked about it and made fun of it or decided to Get In On It, and now it's boring, see? You fucking Killed it as a Topic because it was super-easy to talk about. Don't talk about that shit, man, it's like discussing if you do Crossword Puzzles, see? Lotsa people work on Crossword Puzzles but it's not a "Trending Topic"-twit-thing to Discuss Out Loud, you know? Right? Nobody talks about Crossword Puzzle unless they are in a Crossword Puzzle club or something. I don't even know if there is such a thing. Probably not, right? What would you talk about, like, "Man, it's like, some Seven-Downs are brutal, huh?" Zzz-zznore! No offense. I'm not hating on Crossword Puzzles or any Hobbies, even stupid fucking Sudoku, which I don't like, because I don't like Numbers unless they have Dollar Signs in front of 'em, so it's like, it's not boring to do these activities if you Want to do them, you know, go ahead and Do It ('Til You're Satisfied), but my Thesis Statement here is: It Is Boring To Talk About That Shit.
Speaking of Escherichia coli, another thing I coulda had a column on last week or the week before or the week before or whatever-infinity was this Hamburger-Meat deal, but now it's Boring and Over, you know? I mean, there was an article in The New York Times about how there's some Deadly Hamburger-Meat out there that will fuck you up big time, and so I was like, "OK, from now on, I will make my own Hamburger-Meat," but then I read or saw on Teevee (it's all a blur) something about how the sponge in my kitchen sink is the Filthiest Thing on Earth, because it is a Sponge, which Absorbs Things, and that's what I use to Clean the surfaces, so, OK, no sponges and I'm not making my own Hamburger-Meat, but no more Random Meat, man. Then, I remembered I got a box of those Bubba Burger® burgers in my freezer, and look, if you are a Meat Aficionado, I ask you, have you ever had one of those? I don't know what kinda Evil Planet-Destroying Ingredients they put in those things, but Holy Cow, man, jeez, that's some good fuckin' Hamburger-Meat, and now it's like, when was that article? It's gotta be OK now, right? I mean, I haven't seen anything about Bad Meat on my Twitter, you know? Hamburger-Meat? And besides, it's from not cooking 'em all the way through, right? If I cook the shit outta those bad boys, then I'll effectively be cooking the Shit outta those bad boys, right? I can't take it, man, I can't throw away a half a box of Bubba Burger®, man. I'm hungry.
Anyway, that goddamn fucking asswipe Balloon Boy and his whole chipmunk family could be outta his box and up in a Balloon right now and nobody would give a shit because now it's like-when, last week? Yesterday?-Airplane Pilots are driving past their fucking target? I mean holy fucking shit, man, what the fuck is that? I hope every-goddamn-body on that plane got a free fucking ticket, Jesus H. International Airport, man, wowee, I can't fucking believe those boneheads. It's like, we're all here as a Nation, feeling Good about Airplane Pilots because of that Sully Sulzberger guy or whatever, the guy who splash-landed that fucking plane, how awesome is that guy, and these chowderheads miss the Airport? Because they were talking or something? Doing Sudokus? Nice going, goofballs. I hope there's some sorta Untold Top-Secret Story about how you guys Saved The Earth or at least America or something because in my opinion (which I really didn't think I would have one of anything this week on account of my column is still only every three fucking weeks), but you guys need to be fired, seriously, because now that's two-count 'em-two bullshit things that happened over Our Airspace, you know? Now, I have to go back to wondering if the motherfuckers flying my plane are drunk or just incompetent, thank you very fucking much. Anyway, this week is Halloween, that's a topic, and how fucked is Halloween this year? We got flu, Pandemic flu, and Escherichia coli. Are the kids supposed to wash the fucking candy in Purell® or what? Plus: Yeah, I can't wait, a whole bunch of pestilence-carrying wee ones are gonna be ringing my goddamn doorbell? Fuck that. I'm turning my lights off and going to a movie. Maybe I'll leave my box of Bubba Burger® out for 'em.
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