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Mr. Wrong

Call of Jury Duty

By Joe MacLeod | Posted 11/18/2009

So now the Mayor of Baltimore, USA, is on trial for allegedly, what, spending some gift cards, and some other crap? Being influenced, allegedly, by her alleged ex-boyfriend once removed or something? Allegedly? I don't know. I think I knew for awhile, but I forgot, because since they (and you know who They are) cut my column down from every-other week to almost never-any weeks and I went broke and had to get rid of my Cable Teevee, I been getting into this "Twitter" thing, and making it go into the "Tumblr" and the "Posterous," or wherever else there's someplace for this garbage to go, etc., blah, blah, blahblahinfinity dot-com, and now all the Real News I used to have in my brain is gone and replaced by stuff that looks like #thiskindofthing here. That pound-sign-hashmark-whatever thing tells you in the "Twitter" that you are looking at a "Trending Topic," of topics all Twitterers are Twitting they Tweets about and so you click on it and go and look at all the other #topicsthatlooklikethis like #thereswaytoomany or #inbaltimore or #wecoolandallbut or #youmightbealiberalif or #followfriday or #musicmonday and pretty soon there are no more #currentevents or #usefulknowledge in your brain. #wherearemycarkeys.

Anyway, back in the real world of Baltimore, America, I frequently hear people going "Horrors! I have been selected to respond to The City to maybe get picked for Jury Duty! I sure hope I don't have to be on a jury. That would be Highly Inconvenient," and then most of the time they are all like "Whew! I didn't get picked to be on a jury!" But I would really dig being on a jury, you know? I'm not trying to tell you how to live your life, but you should, too. It is your Civic Duty and stuff, to jury, you know? I'm just trying to be a Good Citizen, OK? I've never been picked to be on a jury of my peers, so maybe that's why they don't pick me, because I want to? Seriously, put me in, coach, I can go both ways, man, watch: Guilty! Not Guilty! See?

Man, I really wish I was on that jury for the Sheila Dixon allegedly thing, because I would be so totally fair, no lie. All I know is what I see on TV, and since most of that has been obliterated by Twitter, I am a total tabula rasa you know? I would be a really good and dutiful jury-dutor, or whatever they are called while dutying. I Believe in that whole "Innocent Before Being Proven Guilty" deal, don't you? It is the Cornerstone of our System of Justiceprudence, yes? And I'm not talking Just Us, umkay? Yeah! Unless you have a really good lawyer, eh? Like that Alleged Extortioner of Late Night with David Letterman Late Night Talkshow Host David Letterman, who is also I guess Alleged of some stuff also, right? Man, what a mess. They should just put both those guys in a room with a jury and get that mess sorted out, you know?

So it's like, what else did Our Mayor do, allegedly, except accept some presents or some nickel-and-dime junk like that and it corrupted her, allegedly? No, wait, she allegedly perjuried some perjury, right? I would like to be the jury of that, because that one totally sounds like some technical stuff they try and do to you when they can't get anything Good on you, hah? Allegedly? Basically I would like to be on that jury just to see what is alleged, you know? Not guilty until whatever, OK? Habeas corpus, and ipso facto ad nauseum, to wit?

If it please The Court, all I know right now is it must totally suck to be Sheila Dixon at this juncture and be Sheila Dixon: The Mayor, and then like, walk a few steps and also get to be Sheila Dixon: On Trial, wowee. Her head must be getting ready to explode, eh? Man, I even can't deal with working at my job and having to go downtown and fight a parking ticket (allegedly), without being seriously angry at #everything, especially last week when we were working on the "Holiday Guide" issue, which is the issue this episode of the "Mr. Wrong" is in if you are holding newsprint up in front of your face or hunched over it while you are enjoying a bagel or something, maybe some coffee? Actually, there's nothing that makes me more annoyed about #theholidayseason than working on the "Holiday Guide," man, I don't need any extra-annoying factors like getting framed for parking in a two-hour zone for more than two hours, allegedly, to be annoyed by having to think about my Ho-ho-holidays one minute before I have to, you know? I mean, I still got candy corns in my teeth. Except of course, the City Paper "Holiday Guide" is filled with all kinds of Interesting and Informative items about Your Holiday Season, OK?

#justsayin it's like, if I was being alleged of some Serious Allegicals, I would be seriously #leavemethehellalone, but look, as far as Sheila Dixon and her ledger of allegedly, my garbage gets picked up and we have recycling, and roads with pavement on 'em, and no offense, if Mayor Sheila Dixon gets convicted for any of her Allegedlies, we got no Mayor, and furthermore and no offense, I'm not sure there's anybody else in Baltimore who would be any good at being Mayor here, you know? Do you know anybody who would want this job? I mean, who is the Vice-Mayor? Do we have one? Deputy Mayor, maybe? #allegedly?

theawl.com; twitter.com/mrwrongcolumn; mrwrong.tumblr.com

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