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Mr. Wrong

98 Percent Top Ten

By Joe MacLeod | Posted 12/9/2009

Yeah! This week is "Top Ten," right here in the pages and pixels of City Paper, Baltimore's Free Alternative Weekly with my column in it, which already makes that my first "Top Ten," which is where people think of things from the present Year of Our Lord and type out the ones that are "Top," you get it? I wholeheartedly recommend you turn dirty inky paper-pages or click, drag, wave your fingers, whatever manner you employ to look at the World Wide Web, because elsewhere in this Printed Publication or Inter-thing are all kinds of lists of shit that are Top Ten, so you might Learn Something, or at least find out about some Good Times things to enjoy, and like I said, I'm always jacked to stack up my own "Top Ten," especially when it's at the same time as the rest of the paper, because that's like "synergy" or "vertically integrated" or something, although I think right now it's hard to have a completely official "Top Ten" on account of how this year isn't all the way finished yet, but whatever, I totally ❤ Top Ten, paradoxically right here in Bold Type in my column of "Top Ten," along with Bold Type, which I almost always think of in a "Top Ten" fashion because I think Bold Type makes reading a column or almost anything (except a subpoena) more fun and exciting, wouldn't you agree? And when I put "you," I mean of course You, the Gentle Reader of the "Mr. Wrong" Column, totally a "Top Ten"-worthy Bold Face recipient, because after all, you Readers (and the dough) are why I poop out my column here on some newsprint every three weeks or so. Hey, Newspapers, man, that's a Top Ten for me totally. It's where I Gets Paid, man, which is really, really a super-deluxe Top Ten with sugar on top, because Every Day I'm Hustlin' and wow, that always makes me think of Katt Williams, the funny comedian who appears to be having some kinda meltdown right now, so maybe some of the Positivity of all this Top Ten-ness will have some sorta salubrious effect, but anyway, back to me and "Top Ten," which brings us to not having Cable Teevee, which I bolded in type as a "Top Ten," but also-which I do not enjoy anymore on account of the Crappy Economy, which gets a Top Ten not for enjoyment, but for crappiness, as in; that's why I am no longer basking in the glow of the Miracle of Cable Television. I mean, jeez, I'm watching regular fucking airwaves-teevee now, with the new-and-improved Digital Television of the Future shitty signal, where I gotta move the antenna into different positions depending on how it's sucking at any one particular moment, but it's not all bad, because I'm totally back up to date on my story, The Young and The Restless, and I probably never woulda started watching America's Test Kitchen, which is totally awesome because they test shit like can openers, and vegetable steamers, and now I feel all special and smart because a long time ago I bought this OXO Good Grips Box Cheese Grater it turns out they said was the best one to buy, so you know, good times, and it's still Television, which is the most important thing, and I think I might buy one of those "YuDu" things on the infomercial, but I can't hack the floor-sweeper one being on three channels at the same time, or the commercial for salad that comes in a bag that seems to be on every fucking channel. Nobody fucking dances when they get ready to open their bag of salad that comes in a bag, man. Another thing that is really "Top Ten" for me is all this stuff about the Mayor, and so right now I'm gonna lay a "Top Ten" on the Honorable Sheila Ann Dixon, who, in my opinion, should stay right the fuck where she is, in office, until somebody physically forces her out. I'm not kidding, man, she should just go right on Mayor-ing right up until the last minute, because I don't know a goddamn thing about what comes after, and most importantly, I didn't vote for any of that mess, I voted for Sheila Ann Dixon, OK? And look, I'm not saying she shouldn't get kicked out or whatever is supposed to happen legally, all's I'm saying is it's gonna cost My Taxpayer Dollars to change all those goddamn letterheads and signs and Street-paving construction notices and Recycling bins to reflect the new mayor's name on 'em, so Sheila Ann Dixon should just stay fucking put. I mean it. Maybe if she does some Restitution or something she can buy some time? Couldn't hurt, right? I mean, c'mon, are you in the mood for a new mayor, really? Of course not, but then you're like "No, maybe I'm not in the mood for a new mayor, but trial, Guilty, etc.," and to that I retort sure, guilty, but one count out of five? That's only really 20 Percent Convicted, did you ever think about that? Sometimes you gotta look to the Greater Good, you know? What exactly are we in a big fucking hurry to replace the Hon. Sheila Ann Dixon with? Also "Top Ten" are Tacos, especially the ones at Sinaloa Tortilleria, Gambling in any form in the City of Baltimore (although it would make much more sense to also have table games and a fucking Sports Book), and the "Mr. Wrong" Column. And scratch-offs.

theawl.com, twitter.com/mrwrongcolumn, mrwrong.tumblr.com

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