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Mr. Wrong

Purple Pain

By Joe MacLeod | Posted 1/20/2010

Hey Baltimore, if you like the football and Your Baltimore Ravens, I'm real sorry, seriously, you have my Deepest Sympathies. I mean, the Ravens lost to the Indianapolis Colts for a spot in the AFC Championship, which is kind of an insulting injury if you are still holding on to all that Bad Stuff about the Colts leaving Baltimore a million years ago, but basically the Ravens lost, and their season is over, so for a lotta people that means Football is Over. Again, Deepest Sympathies for the loss, but it's still Football Season, man! Nothing is Over!

Yeah, man, it is still Football until the High Holy Day of Super Bowl (in this case the Roman Numeral Super Bowl XLIV, which spells 44 in Roman), and look, man, I was right there watching the Ravens flap around earlier in the year, so in my capacity as Somebody Who Sits On Ass and Watches Football, it was kind of a bonus-disco surprise they got as far as they did this time out, but now they are Sleeping until Next Season, and it's still This Season, so now it's all about Super Bowl, man, OK? Suck it up and Get In On It. Super Bowl!

Well, OK, not quite Super Bowl yet, because there's still some more "playoffs" crap going on to narrow it down to two Super Bowl teams, but since my column only runs once every three fucking weeks, I gotta get my Super Bowl topic handled this week, because my next column (assuming I get a next column) isn't until Feb. 10, for fuck's sake, which is after Super Bowl XLIV. But anyway, look, Ravens Supporter, I also woulda liked it to be some Ravens this Super Bowl, but I'm telling you, you gotta Believe in Super Bowl, man. Think of it as a way to honor the Ravens and Football, and, most importantly, America, because there is no more American Holy Day than Super Bowl! Aarrroooo!!! Super Bowl! Yeah! Football!

C'mon, snap out of it, the Ravens will be back before you know it. Seriously, I'm not happy it turned out this way either, but I am totally ready for some fucking Super Bowl, man. I mean, I been steady buying these baltimore ravens cash fantasy scratch-offs for five bucks a pop, man, so I'm all about supporting the Ravens, because I have been scratching these fuckers and plowing all the winnings back into more tickets so I can get these little "extra yards" codes to plug in on the Maryland Lottery web site so's I can win that extra prize where you get season tickets for life, but kinda not really for life, because it's only for up to 20 years, so I can't really figure out how they (and you know who They are) can have the footballs to call it for life, unless they mean for the for life of a bottlenose dolphin, or a toucan, or a sparrow, or a mule deer, or a mountain lion, or a javelina, or a chinchilla, or a grey squirrel, or a porcupine, or a beaver, which is all the animals I could find that live to 20 years, according to the Internet, so I have a basic problem with calling the prize for life, and I haven't even won it yet. So yeah, maybe I should get some kinda Extra Award for being a world-class Ingrate, but c'mon Lottery people, for life ain't no 20 fucking years, seriously.

Plus, and again, in my capacity as Super Ingrate, I would also like to point out the big for life prize is only for two seats at each home game. Seriously, it woulda broke the Lottery to make it for four seats so I can have a nice sociable party when I win the season tickets for the life of a toucan? You know how fucking awkward it's gonna be if I can only bring one person to the Baltimore Ravens games that I'm gonna get to go to for the life of a chinchilla? For the next life of a javelina (and i have no idea what a javelina is) I'm gonna have to run my own contests to pick some lucky somebody to come with me to each game that I'm gonna be able to go to for the life of a porcupine and even then it's gonna be a meeting of the Hurt Feelings Club for every home game for the next life of a mule deer when I pick a winner to sit with me.

I've been trying to work this problem out in advance, man. It's like, even if I could trade tickets with people so I could get a season's worth of tickets at one game so it could be a nice party, then, of course, the chances are it will be totally sucky weather or a boring-ass game, you know? What kind of a prize is this to be winning for all this hard work of scratch-off support for My Baltimore Ravens?

Also: A Raven once, according to the Internet, lived for 69 years. ?

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