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Mr. Wrong

Respect the Chair

By Joe MacLeod | Posted 2/10/2010

Wow, that Blizzard was pretty fucking awesome, eh? I think it's over. It's over, right? Man, I mean, first it was kinda like an old Monster Movie where you're waiting and waiting for The Monster to show up, and then KABOOM, errbody was under two feet of snow. I stayed up almost the whole night while it was Blizzarding, because Nature is very entertaining, seriously. It's better than Avatar and anything else in 3-D when you're outside watching the Blizzard and then there's giant winds and the trees are bending and the snow is turning into sand-dune-looking drifts and then there's fucking Thunder and Lighting, man, How insane is that, the ThunderSnow? I didn't even know they had that!

I heard the New & Improved Mayor of Baltimore, America, talking about what to do for the Snow Emergency and what The City was doing and stuff, and I finally figured out how to deal with the New & Improved Mayor of Baltimore, U.S.A., because I was watching teevee in bed in the morning, but I didn't have anywhere to be except bed, so I was kinda watching a little teevee and then rolling over on to the non-teevee looking-at side whenever my arm fell asleep or my leg started to hurt, so I could then watch teevee without looking at it and then when that got boring I would take a little TV-nap. Some people will tell you your arm falls asleep and your legs start to hurt from being in bed too long, but those are just people who could never go Pro as a sleeper like I could, seriously. If it was an Olympic Event, they'd be testing me every four years for Bed-Doping. Anyway, one of the times I was facing away from the teevee and listening, Our New Mayor came on to talk about stuff, and she sounded really fucking reasonable and Competent, even, I swear. I mean, I wasn't real thrilled about the whole New Mayor thing, but after just listening to her talk--instead of getting inexplicably irritated by also watching her strangely impassive facial expressions while she's talking--she doesn't seem too bad, and I didn't even vote for her. So I'm not looking at Our New Mayor for awhile, just to see if it helps.

Anyway, it was good the Blizzard decided to be on The Weekend, I think, because I woulda been pretty fucking grouchy having to go to my Job while it was Blizzarding, because of all the knuckleheads who don't know how to drive in the snow, which I saw a little of this weekend out on the street and on teevee, people driving too fast and people not understanding that it's a Snow Emergency, so when you're driving along and it's slippery and you get to the top of a hill and the light turns red, you look real carefully and then run the fucking light, so that you and the car behind you (usually me) does not get stuck on the hill right before the intersection otherwise you gotta back down the fucking hill so you can get up it again, usually just in time for the fucking light to turn red again. Argh. Yeah, I said it. I didn't say speed up or cut the wheel or anything. I said you're riding along on snow-packed streets and you're not going too fast, because that's real fucking stupid and you can't stop quickly, no, you're going like, I dunno, 15-20 miles an hour on snow-covered streets, and there's nobody at the intersection and you're on a hill, and if you slow down it's gonna be a problem to get your traction back so you run the fucking light, cruise right through it, as long as nobody's coming and you're not gonna cause an accident. And look, you can tell when you're gonna cause an accident, don't give me that crap. That's the thing nobody ever says about accidents, that we all know perfectly fucking well who really caused it, and it's Not Me, even when I am running red lights, because I am an Excellent Driver who is so Excellent I can Adjust to Any Conditions, so you know what, maybe you better not run any lights. I forget sometimes how good of a driver that I am that I can disregard Highway Rules as I see fit. Excellent Driver.

I am also an excellent show shoveller, and I gotta tell you, for the most part, I have been seeing some pretty decent show-shovelling going on out there, with none of that throwing all the snow in the street, which is totally fucking lazy and ignorant and you should get a ticket, and you should not get a ticket for putting a chair in the parking spot you just spent an hour and a half digging out in a Responsible manner. I have seen a lot of Industrious and Conscientious piling of snow in front of houses and in between cars and in opportune spaces where nobody's gonna walk and nobody's driving. Very good job on the snow-piles, people. But it's like, you should get a ticket if you actually pile snow in the street at an intersection at the top of a hill where people are slowing down for the red light even though nobody's coming and they could seriously just cruise right through it and nobody'd be the wiser and that's what the guy in the fucking car behind them is hollering out the window, to just go ahead and run the goddamn light--no don't slow down no don't stop nobody's coming look nobody's fucking coming keep going keeeeeep fuckiiiiiiing gooooooooiiiiiiing if you stop here you won't--and then the fucking car behind them wouldn't have to stop and then get stuck and start going sideways up the hill and sliding mostly so that basically the only thing to do is to back down the hill in order to get a running start to be able to crash through your stupid fucking snow pile.

theawl.com, twitter.com/mrwrongcolumn, mrwrong.tumblr.com

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