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Mr. Wrong

Hi Ho!

By Joe MacLeod | Posted 5/5/2010

BELIEVE you will Get In On It while you are Getting Your Preakness on, freak.

Hi Ho! The Preakness horse race is coming up on May 15, the big day when Gambling Addicts of all creeds, colors, nations, and wallets focus on Baltimore, my Maryland, for the umpteenth running of the "Middle Jewel" of the "Triple Crown" of "The Sport of Kings," although I can never figure out why they don't call it the "Middle Crown" since the three races of the "Triple Crown" are each Crowns, right? Anyway: Gambling! Hi Ho!

According to the Preakness dot-com there are going to be all sorts of preliminary events, like on May 12, there will be "Sunrise at Old Hilltop," where you can enter through the gift shop and go on a tour of the barns and see why it's called the Sport of Kings, because of all the people and stuff it takes to keep horses, and it's always funny when somebody presents "Sunrise" anywhere, and then later on they do a drawing for which ponies go in which order on the track for the race and then there's interviews with the horses and probably the owners. There will also be a thing called the "Alibi Breakfast," which kinda doesn't make sense because historically it was supposed to be all the horse-industry people sitting around:

So I don't get how "Alibi" fits in, you know? How about calling it the Horseshit Breakfast? Hi Ho!

I think my favorite Preakness thing (besides winning wheelbarrows full of money with my System) is the annual parade, which they do at night now with lights, at the Inner Harbor, and that's fun for The Children, and a good way to show them how much fun Gambling is, you know? Hey kids, Hi Ho!

Later in the week, there's an autograph session with the jockeys, which, unless they are autographing some checks made out to me, I am not particularly interested in, any more than the "Handicapping Seminar," where a bunch of people are gonna tell me what to do with my money while they are figuring out ways to take my money away from me, parimutuelly. No thanks, sharpies, I will stick to my System of combinating horse color, funny names, and track conditions, along with various other Variables affected by the number of "Black-Eyed Susan" cocktails I have enjoyed in the commemorative glass. Hi Ho!

The whole "Black-Eyed Susan" thing is another non-making of sense, because sometimes they (and you know who They are) call the Pimlico-Preakness race "The Run For The Black-Eyed Susans," but I bet (get it?) that's only because the Kentucky Derby, which is the First Crown of the "Triple Crown of Horseracing," is called "The Run For The Roses," on account of they put a blanket made out of roses on the winning equine, so The Preakness got all Derivative and copied the Kentucky Derby, which is also called "The Fastest Two Minutes In Sports," yet another irrational slogan design to cloud the Gambler's mind. How about "The Fastest Two Minutes of ATM Withdrawls?" Hi Ho!

And speaking of Gambling, there are still no Legal Slot Machines in Baltimore even though they are Legal. How can this be? I think there are Sinister Forces at work slowing down the Legal (and Lawful) opening of Legal (and Licensed) Slots Parlors, because they want to Get In On It in a bigger way. You watch. Personally, I'm not a big fan of Slot Machines, but as far as Slot Machines being a Gateway Activity leading to Poker, Blackjack, Roulette, Pai-Gow, Craps, and Betting on Sports, I am a big fan of Slot Machines, and I would like to take this opportunity to suggest The Pimlico, where We The People go for The Preakness and The Horse Racing and The Gambling, take some initiative and put up a Demonstration Slots Tent out there in the Infield during the "Infield Fest" (where The Rabble go to not watch the race) and fill it with Slot Machines to capture some of the potential Drunk Gambling revenue, because it's way easier to put some coins into a slot machine than figure out the goddamn racing program when you are inebriated and standing in the middle of a crowd of similar alco-thusiasts. Hi Ho!

I will, of course, make all my bets the day before the Preakness, because I don't go anywhere near that place on the Big Day, which is now aka something to the effect of "$20 mug day," as in: You can keep drinking beer 16 ounces at a time out of a vessel you purchase for $20. Hi Huuurrrrrllppfblleeaaarph!!!

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