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Gruesome Twosome

By Mink Stole | Posted 2/18/2004

My girlfriend and I have been together nine months. I'm 33, three times divorced. My girlfriend is 24 and divorced once. Pretty bad, huh? She really wants to marry me. She said that before me she was always attracted to men for what they could buy for her or do for her, and she's got nothing to gain by marrying me, so I believe that she loves me. But I have two questions. At her husband's request, she had a couple of three-ways with him and two different women at separate times. She said she'd always wanted to try it, it was OK, but she has no desire to do it again. When I asked her, she said she was still somewhat attracted to women, but she has no desire to be with anyone but me. Does this mean that she is bi? Or is she normal?

For some reason, I've become completely consumed with having a threesome with her. She tells me that she never thought about it before her husband asked her to do it, and she doesn't want to do it again. I really love her, but at least once in my life I want to do a threesome, and I want it to be with her. One of the women she did it with before has even let me know she's interested. My obsession is starting to become a real problem for us. So my second question is, if she did it for her husband, and if she really loves me, why won't she do this for me?

Why Not Me

Dear WNM:
Life is really hard for you, isn't it? Divorced three times and you're about to turn this new relationship into a piece of dead crap. Any woman this eager to try again with a bad risk like you is probably dumb as a bag of hair to begin with, but if you don't wise up and stop dogging her about this threesome thing, there's at least a chance she'll smarten up enough, or get bored enough, to walk away before doing anything that might eventually require a new set of divorce attorneys.

First of all, your lady friend is not bisexual simply because she can appreciate an attractive woman. Second, just because she was curious enough or willing to experiment in one marriage--which ended in divorce, by the way--doesn't mean she needs or wants to do it again. Telling you about it probably wasn't the smartest thing she ever did, but you're acting like she's reneging on a debt. She doesn't owe you a threesome. Every guy wants to do a threesome; every guy dreams of being the stud who can "handle" two women at the same time. But this male ego-fulfilling fantasy completely ignores the emotional connection women have with sex. It's a rare woman who gets off on watching her man doing it with someone else. And, unless that turns her on, a gal's not likely to stay all warm and fuzzy feeling about a guy who, no matter how many times she says no, won't shut up about how much hotter sex would be with another woman there. Maybe the best thing for you--and her--is to break up. That way you can go off and have all the sex you want with as many women as you can, or maybe you'll be lucky enough to find a woman who lives for threesomes, and your girlfriend can have the chance to find a guy who thinks she's at least as important as gratifying his dick.

I have been seeing someone for a few weeks, and it's been wonderful. He's been incredibly attentive, calling me every day, seeing me several times a week, and even telling me I might be "the one" for him. He said he has trouble sleeping when I'm not with him. I've really fallen hard for the guy, but last week he said we needed to slow down and now he barely calls at all, and I haven't seen him in days. What could have changed his feelings? I can't help thinking I've done something to make him back away, but when I asked him he said, no, it wasn't me, it was him. This man is everything I ever wanted and I don't want to lose him. What should I do?

Bewildered
Dear B:
Do not try to fix this; there's nothing you can do. For some guys love is like trout fishing: It's all about pursuit. Once the trout is caught the game is over, it's time to toss the poor wounded fish back in the water.

I know it's hard, and he has genuinely hurt and disappointed you, but try not to take this personally. The guy is a player; he's honed his skills on a lot of other women, and he's a pro. He knows exactly what lures to use and how to cast them. You did nothing wrong. His feelings didn't change: His plan from the beginning was to catch you and let you go. This man is not--I repeat, not--everything you ever wanted; he just knows how to pretend to be. All you can do is cut out the hook and swim away to heal.

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