Sign up for our newsletters   

Baltimore City Paper home.
Print Email

Mr. Wrong

Bored of Education

By Joe MacLeod | Posted 2/18/2004

I swear to Mel Gibson's the Christ I can't tell if Our President is dumb. When he relaxes his face a little too much or squinches his eyes a leetle bit too much, he sorta has a dumb expression. But that's not fair. I mean, it's his face, what's he gonna do? Maybe he should wear some glasses.

Anyway, I watched him on that Meet the Press teevee interview a coupla weeks ago, and it was like he could barely get a word out, let alone make 'em into sentences. OK, sure, you might be like that for a while if you're unaccustomed to public speaking or whatever, but this is supposed to be Soul Brother Numero Uno here. Can't they inject him with something that will sharpen him up a l'il bit? He went to fuckin' Harvard or Yale or one of those places like that, right? I heard if your mommy or daddy went to a school like that, you get to go too, so sure, maybe that means Dumb Guys can get in, but after that you gotta get good grades, right? Right? I seriously wonder what Mr. President Double-you's Intelligence Quotient is.

I found some IQ categories off of the Internet, but I don't think anybody actually gets labeled this way for some of 'em because it would be antiquated or hurtful, but anyway, check it: Below 29, idiot; 30-49, imbecile; 50-49, moron; 70-79, borderline deficiency; 85-114, average; 125-134, gifted; 145-200, genius; 200-plus, unmeasurable.

That's supposed to tell you a lot, I think, the IQ, but I dunno. When I'm trying to figure out what the loan amount percentage and monthly payment and down payment and trade-in and taxandtagsandfreight and all that shit they put down at the bottom of the ad in the teensy-weensy type next to the asterisks that go with a car I'm looking at in the newspaper, I'm right around minus-29'er, no doubt. But when I'm watching The Price Is Right or Wheel of Fortune, man, I'm 200-plus, mos def.

I really wish I knew what mine was. I tried to take that test on the Mensa Web site that's supposed to confirm if you're a genius, but damn, that fucker was hard, you know? I thought they could figure out if you were a genius in 10 minutes or something, but they want you to answer all kindsa killer questions on the Mensa, and I got stuff to do, you know? OK, wait, actually I was too, uh, busy or something to hang in on it, the test. They should have a quick-(lazy)-genius test for people who think maybe they might possibly be some kind of genius on some level--not like an Einstein (who didn't have time for any of that crap because he was pondering Unified Field Theory and whatever) or anybody like that, but for possible geniuses who would like to know, but even if they did know, it wouldn't affect their life too much. I know I probably took some kinda IQ test when I was a youth, but I just wanna say right now I think I could do better than whatever I did then, umkay? And school grades don't count toward IQ, right? I mean, come on, I didn't know how serious all that shit was, see?

You know, the children, they don't always know how important it is to get a good education, and the way this guy we got in the White House reps right now, it's kind of a difficult theory to prove, kna'mean? Plus, school sucks. You ask any kid what school is like, and they'll tell you it's perzactly like some prison. You put some children up in front of reruns of that HBO teevee show Oz, and they'll break it down immediately: "Hey, that's my school!" Seriously. And all this crap about how the schools are fucked up? All they gotta do is look at it from the children's perspective and run those fuckers like the jails they really are. Knock down all the old crappy ones and build bright shiny new ones with taller guard towers and better door locks, just like they do with the grown-up slammers these days. That's the Genius to the Unmeasurableness Power thinking right there, people.

I'm smarter than all the people in elected or not-elected office right now involved in this fucking bullshit school bullshit, plus I'm smarter than all the people who type crap in newspapers or blab on the radio or teevee right now about this bullshit school fucking bullshit, because I got my Unmeasurableness Genius Power focused outside the box, dig? I shifted my paradigm and stuff. Everybody's all like, "Hey wha' happen to the money?" Simple: It's gone, trick. Spent. Forget about it and move on. Think anybody cares where all the Afghanistan and Iraq bullet money went to? Right. So if the schools are in the toilet right now, you do what they wanna do with the jails and the football stadiums and baseball stadiums and housing projects. Knock 'em the fuck down, build new ones. It fixes everything.

See? I swear, I'm a fucking genius on some sorta level, but you can't go putting a number on that shit, so don't expect me to sit still for a test. I'm too busy thinking about how to get the whole slot machine thing going. And don't give me that shit about how the money's going for education, please. OK, now I got it--slot machines in the schools, right? Those teachers don't make a lot, but they got a few coins to drop on a dream, right?

Related stories
Comments powered by Disqus
CP on Facebook
CP on Twitter