Danny, my 23-year-old son, is an only child, and he and I have always been close, much closer than he ever was with his dad. He’s always enjoyed going places with me, but for some reason he does not like to spend time with his father. My husband is a sports fan and has always tried to get Danny to accompany him to games, but even though I encouraged him to go with his dad, Danny always preferred to stay home or go to a movie with me. Now my husband is insisting that it’s time for Danny to move out. He says it’s because he wants Danny to grow up, but I think he’s jealous of our closeness. Danny lived with us all through college and he has a good job, but he has some friends I’m not crazy about, and I’m afraid if he’s forced to leave home he’ll start spending all his time with them. Plus, I know I will miss him. I love my husband and I love my son, but I’m tired of the fighting and the tension, and I feel like I’m having to choose between them, which is making me very sad. What do you think?

Mom in the Middle

It might be about time to push the little boy out of the nest, MITM. Every species kicks the kids out eventually, not to punish them but because it’s nature’s way. It’s called letting them grow up, it’s normal, it’s a good thing. Whether Danny has some unresolved oedipal issues, or is just too lazy or cheap to find his own place voluntarily, you’re not doing him any favors letting him stay, especially when it’s causing this kind of friction. For one thing, it gives him way too much control over your lives. If Danny’s going to rule the roost, it should be his own damn roost. It’s terrific that you and your son have such a close bond, but it’s not your job to be his social life—or to choose his friends. Your husband may be jealous, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t right. And you can be sure he’s no less tired than you are of all the tension. Having Danny move out is not “choosing” your husband over your son; it’s choosing to live as a wife and mother whose adult child no longer lives with you. It is not the wholesale withdrawal of all your love; it’s a change in living arrangements. Period. And, while I know you’re dreading the empty nest now, once it’s a done deal you might find you and your hubby fill the space up quite nicely.

My ex-husband and I divorced three years ago after he decided that being a husband to me and father to our two small kids (then 4 and 6) was way more responsibility than he could handle. It also turned out he had a “good friend” at the office. He swore their relationship didn’t become physical until we had actually split up, but I’ve always blamed her for our breakup. I’ve tried to keep my anger and disappointment away from the kids and have made it a point not to say or imply anything bad about her, but it’s been hard sometimes. They’ve met her and know that she’s special to their father, but he hasn’t made a big deal out of it. He and I agreed months ago that he could take the kids to Disney World for a week before school starts, and they’re really excited. Now he tells me she’s going with them, that they’re getting married, and that he wants the kids to get to know her. This feels really threatening to me, like I’m being displaced, like she’s already taken my husband and now wants my kids, too. And they’ll like her better because she’s all about fun while I’m all about schoolwork and chores. Am I overreacting? If I canceled the trip, it would break my kids’ hearts, which would make me feel awful. Should I just let them go and pretend it’s OK with me?

They’re Mine

This may be the hardest part of divorce, TM, having to let other adults into your kids’ lives. Don’t cancel the trip. Not only would it make you the bad guy, but if your ex is really marrying this woman, it would just postpone the inevitable. Unless you want to wreck the kids’ relationship with their dad, it’s best if they have a good relationship with her, too.

You may be overreacting just a smidgen, but it’s OK. She is not taking your place. On a purely practical level, your husband doesn’t want the full-time responsibility, remember? And you’re their mom—they love you the best. Just because it’s your job to pay attention to their homework doesn’t mean you never have any fun with them, just don’t get suckered into a bidding war for their affection. You deserve major credit, you know, for not having turned this woman into the wicked witch, so while they’re away, instead of cleaning out your closets, clean out your pores: Get a facial and a massage, some major pampering. Don’t do anything drastic to your appearance, though, because your kids are going to miss you a lot, and they’ll want you to look just like they remember when they get home.

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