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Mr. Wrong

Lack of Interest

By Joe MacLeod | Posted 8/4/2004

What is it with this “Person of Interest” crap? I mean, they got this guy out in Utah with the missing wife and it turns out he was bullshitting everybody about how he was gonna go to med school and be somebody, and then his wife finds out he’s not even enrolled in the school and she freaks out, and then alla sudden she’s missing and he’s running around like a crazy person, and it turns out he went and bought a new mattress and there’s talk they found their old mattress and it’s a mattress of interest, ’cuz there were maybe, like, cut marks on it, plus the guy’s name is “Hacking,” for chrissakes, and the cops call this guy a “Person of Interest,” even though the cops seemed to have enough interest in this guy to fucking arrest his interesting ass.

Look, I watch a lot of the highly realistic Crime Programs on the teevee, so I know a lot about Law and Order, dig? My many years of service on the couch have provided me with a thorough and comprehensive knowledge of Law, Order, and Crime Scene Investigation, so I know for a fact They (and you know who They are) used to call those kindsa people “suspects.” As in Someone You Are Suspicious Of, which is a normal policelike state of being, on account of that’s what the polices are supposed to be all the time, is Suspicious of Everyone and Everything, because you never know, right? That’s why I hate talking to cops about anything, especially when they’re shining that big cop flashlight in my face. Makes me feel suspicious, even when I am unaware I was going a coupla miles over the posted speed limit. OK, 23 miles over the posted speed limit, whatever, I mean yes, officer.

But now you can’t do that anymore, call somebody a suspect, or you’ll get sued or something, like that guy who they thought blew up the Olympics in Atlanta or whatever, so I guess They (and I have no fucking idea who They are) decided to start calling somebody They are Suspicious of—a “Suspect,” if you will—a “Person of Interest,” so that way we’re all like, “Ohh, you mean that guy who lied about all this stuff to his family and then his wife goes home from work all upset and then she’s missing and meanwhile he’s out buying a new mattress and they can’t find the old one and then they hadda put him in the psych ward for a while and the guy got a lawyer and then the cops arrested him and now they got the cadaver dogs and they’re looking for a body?”

Yeah, that guy, y’know, they locked him up, but he wasn’t a suspect or anything, he was a “Person of Interest.” Right. If they put your name on the teevee and then say you’re a “person of interest,” how you think it’s gonna go the next morning at work around the old water cooler or whatever, eh? Yeah, it’ll be fine, right? It’s not like you’re a suspect or anything, you’re just, like, interesting and shit. Look, As your Legal Counsel, if you find out the cops are “interested” in you, I advise you to uh, secure Legal Counsel, OK?

And don’t give me that “innocent until proven guilty” crap, because that’s why they started with the whole “suspect” thing in the first place, it’s just a way to say somebody might be guilty, not that they’re actually guilty or anything. But they might be, see? So now you got this New Level of suspiciousness that ain’t foolin’ anybody, right? It’s just another way to say somebody might be guilty, and that’s not guilty, i.e., to wit, as in not proven guilty, ipso facto, in vino veritas.

At this time, if it please The People’s Court, I would like to rest my case, but there’s all this other Interest I am Interested in, namely, The Enemy. Through their Official Announcement apparatus, i.e., Our Government, they have announced they’re gonna blow up the Stock Exchange and some of those Citibanks and stuff in New York City. I am personally not worried about my own personal safety, personally, when somebody says they gonna blow up a bank, because hey, I don’t personally have a lot to do in a place where there’s lotsa money, since, I mean, I got citi on a lot of my shiny little credit cards, but I just mail the check in, right? No need to stop by.

Anyway, you know about the Google and how they’re gonna sell stock in it, so now you can buy stock in the Google and get rich or something? Well, I use the Google every day; in fact, I used it a coupla minutes ago. I put in “person of interest” and “mattress” and I got all this stuff about this Hacking guy, and then along the side where they have the Google ads I got a list of places to buy a new mattress, yikes. The Google is not always sensitive, you know?

Anyway, even if I had some money, I wouldn’t buy any Google stock, because I think people are gonna be all Krispy Kreme about it and just buy the stock because it’s something they like and not because it’s really worth what they paid, but this is why I don’t have any money, because what the fuck do I know about the stock market? I got one share of Apple Computer and one share of World Wrestling Entertainment as Xmas gifts, and sure, it’s cool to get that 6-cent dividend check every once in a while from WWE, but anyway, I think somebody’s out to get the Google, you know? I mean, first they had some kinda computer virus, and now they’re gonna blow up the stock market? Interesting.

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