I’m 23 years old and have been a vegan for six years, but I have plenty of friends who aren’t. Actually, most of my friends aren’t. I’m a pacifist and a member of PETA, I avoid leather, and the idea of creating “fashion” from dead animals nauseates me. I’m not preachy about it, though, feeling that I’m far more eloquent in my behavior than I would be if I pitched a fit every time somebody I know ordered a cheeseburger. I entertain a lot and my friends respect my beliefs, so, although they know that dinner at my house won’t include any blood, they come anyway and we always have a good time. But a couple of weeks ago a friend brought her brother, who is my opposite in every way. To be polite he left his leather jacket at home, but he owns guns, hunts, and belongs to the National Rifle Association. He’s also gorgeous and has a great sense of humor, and, although it kind of horrifies me, I’ve got a huge crush on him. Am I crazy even to think about dating him?

Conflicted and Attracted

No, CAA, you’re not crazy. If you had added, “and he thinks George W. Bush is our smartest and best president since the late, great Ronnie Reagan,” it would be a different story, but as it stands you’re still well within the limits of sanity. Gorgeous is gorgeous, and so far you’re only dealing with his “otherness” in theory; you haven’t actually seen him kill anything. The toughest thing about mixed relationships is learning to accept the other’s point of view as valid, no matter how different it is from your own and dealing with the inevitable jolts to your sensibilities. He might not have any trouble with your veganism, and you’re tolerant of meat eaters, but how are you going to feel when he wants to bring home a dead deer?

If the attraction you feel is mutual, of course you should date him. If you’re squeamish about your physical reaction to someone whose values seem so different, try thinking of it as an opportunity to explore another point of view. It would be narrow-minded and discriminatory to dismiss him out of hand before you got to know him better. Just because you have some pretty fundamental differences doesn’t mean you might not have some other, also important, things in common. Imagine how much happier the world could be if instead of hating and fearing our diversity we could all learn to reserve judgment for at least the time it took to share dinner and a movie.

 

For the five years before we got married, my husband and I were best friends. Now we’ve been married for four years, have two great kids, ages 2 and 3, and have a big problem. My husband can only be happy if the house is spotless. If it’s the least bit untidy he turns into a major crank. And he blames me. I admit I have a much higher tolerance for the messiness of a family of four, but I’m not a slob. He works long hours, but I have a full-time job, too. And when I get home, I’m tired and want to spend some downtime with him and the kids, not whip out the vacuum cleaner. My husband helps with the cooking and the dishes, but I do just about everything else, including shopping, laundry, etc. I told him if a clean house was so important to him we could hire a maid, but he won’t hear of it because he says he doesn’t want a stranger intruding into our lives. I love him, and he’s still my best friend, but sometimes I think he cares more about the house than he does about his family.

Not so Squeaky Clean

Your husband, NSSC, is either completely delusional about what it takes to make a household with toddlers run smoothly or he’s a bully. Or maybe he’s a little obsessive-compulsive. Whatever it is, what I have a hard time understanding is why his vote on the subject carries more weight than yours. A man’s home may be his castle, but that little doodad between his legs doesn’t give him the right to play king to your scullery maid. Even if his salary is bigger than yours, you contribute plenty to the household in paid (and a lot of unpaid) labor and you should have equal say in how things get done. And unless you stand up for yourself, this situation isn’t going to get any better.

Something tells me, though, that this is one of those easy-for-me-to-say scenarios, and that it’s a lot easier for you to take the blame than to make a stand. I’m not a big fan of spousal deception, but since you’re in a can’t-win position already, maybe you could hire a cleaning service without telling him. Agencies in most cities use bonded, licensed professionals who just want to get in, get the job done, and get out, without snooping into your private lives. When he starts to notice how much better the house looks, you can either fess up or take the credit. If that’s too scary, you could offer him a deal: If he can’t accept how much you can do, either you get a maid or you both get some counseling.

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