Sign up for our newsletters   

Baltimore City Paper home.
Print Email

Mr. Wrong

Constitutional Wrong

By Joe MacLeod | Posted 9/15/2004

I actually read something the other day, and it was about this guy who got locked up for some shit he either allegedly did or actually didn’t do.

So, wait a minute—if you allegedly do something and then they put your ass in jail and you get all convicted and shit, then you didn’t allegedly do it anymore, right? Wait, I didn’t just use the word “anymore” incorrectly, OK? I used it and got the tenses a little switched up to be très amusant, dig? I’m not exactly a stickler for grammar and punctuation, or even coherent expression of thought. Like, for instance, I saw that new teevee commercial for some chicken something-or-others at McDonald’s, and the lady’s on a plane, I think, and somebody’s gonna take her chicken product away from her, and she goes, “You better don’t.” Which is ignoramical, right? I just made that word up. It means ignorant and comical, so that means it’s OK with me, the new King of American and Defender of Acceptable Grammar.

I say “King of American,” because I’ve met a coupla people from England, and the mess they speak ain’t English like I ever heard. But then again, England, right? So from now on they get to call the shit they speak “English,” and everybody Over Here needs to remember they are speaking American, unless they are speaking Korean or Spanish or Serbo-Croatian or Farsi or Uzbek or Uripiv-Wala-Rano-Atchin or Stoney.

That last one is, according to this Web site,, spoken in Canada by . . . Native Americans, I’d wanna call ’em, but they’re in Canada, so I can’t generalize like that, right? So I’m gonna call ’em “Canadians,” and hope they don’t get pissed about that. So no offense, excuse it, OK, Descendants of Ancient Peoples who Probably Used to Live in What Is Now Called Canada?

But anyway, “Stoney,” right? I thought I knew a lot of guys in junior high who spoke that language. Snicker.

Anyway, anymore, for some reason it gets my panties all in a moist uncomfortable wad when I hear somebody go like, “Wow, it sure is a lot of hurricanes anymore” or something like that, you know what I mean? I mean, I can’t even fucking use it the way I’m talking about, the way it irritates me. How about, “Boy, there sure are a lot of college students in town anymore.” Is that it? You ever heard that? It’s, like, just totally and absolutely not the word that should be used in those sentences, right?

OK, screw it, I’m not gonna try and explain it anymore. And that wasn’t supposed to be funny on purpose anymore either anymore.

So look, this guy got locked up for something he really didn’t do allegedly, as far as the courts of law are concerned, and then somebody went out and got all this DNA technology, and all of a sudden he didn’t even allegedly do it, he actually didn’t do it, so they had to spring his ass. So the first thing I’m thinkin’ is, This guy’s got a killer lawsuit, but I guess if they put him away before they had this DNA stuff, then the guy’s got no case unless he wuz framed. But the point is now they got this DNA, and there’s gonna be all these people bustin’ out of L-7 thanks to Watson and Crick and anybody with a floor plan to the Building Blocks of Life and shit, and yet there’s still these do-gooder Defenders of Your Rights people who are all tsk-tsk about giving up DNA samples because it’s an invasion of privacy, which I think is bullshit.

Because look, you give up some DNA because John Law asked you to because they think maybe you allegedly did something, and they’re asking, and we’re talking about some spit or a booger or whatever, right? What’s the big deal? See, I coulda been a lawyer, because I know you should never ask a question if you don’t already know the answer, so when I so disingenuously posed my ingenious “Big Deal” query, as it shall be referred to forthwith in the legal journals from now on, it was only because, ipso facto, Res Ipsa Loquitur, ars gratia artis, I already knew the answer, thanks to years of careful studying of all the teevee programs like Law and Order and Hawaii Five-O. You, the criminal, have a Constitutional Right to Plead the Fifth. That’s what they do alla time on teevee, right? Plead the Fifth? So if You, the Criminal, give up some spit to clear yourself of a crime you allegedly didn’t do, and it turns out you really didn’t do it, then they can’t save that spit and use it against you the next time you allegedly do something. Now look, I’m a Strict Constitutionalist, OK? Here’s how that shit actually reads:


No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the Militia, when in actual service in time of War or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offence to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation.


So look, the legal advice is Free of Charge. I also suggest at the very least it means you should charge for the spit anymore.

Related stories
Comments powered by Disqus
CP on Facebook
CP on Twitter