Turkey Trouble

Nope. But don’t blame yourself; it’s rare that everyone’s happy. As tempting as it might be to tell your sister to stop her damn whining, it might be more productive to acknowledge she’s got a semi-legitimate gripe. Either she stays home, missing out on a family occasion and disappointing your dad, or she climbs into the car for an eight-hour round trip to have dinner with people who get on her nerves. No, she doesn’t have the right to wreck Thanksgiving for everyone, but if you let her know you appreciate that she has to choose between two unsatisfactory options, it might make her feel better. If you can offer to make, say, Friday brunch an exclusive just-her-family event, that might make her feel good enough that she’ll look forward to the trip.

If that doesn’t do it, tell her you and your dad would be really sad not to see her, but since Thanksgiving dinner will be at Marsha’s, perhaps it would be better for her not to come. Tell her you love her whatever she decides. Then let it go; you can’t force it. She has to make up her own mind.

I can hardly believe it—I’m 55 years old and getting married for the first time. My husband-to-be is a widower whose wife died four years ago from cancer. They had a good life together and he speaks of her lovingly, but he tells me he’s ready to be happy again. He has one married daughter and a son in college, and we all get along pretty well, mainly because they know I make their father happy. And he makes me incredibly happy. The only sour note in my happy song is that he gave me his deceased wife’s engagement ring. It had belonged to his grandmother and his mother, so it has sentimental value more than just from his wife, and it’s pretty enough, but I don’t want to wear it. Every time I look at it all I can think of is how I’m going to live up to his first marriage. I’m OK about moving into the house he shared with his first wife—we’ve already agreed to redo the bedroom and kitchen—but I want my own ring. He said he’d buy me one if I was uncomfortable with this one, but I think he was just being nice. Do you think I’m being foolish? He’s such a lovely, good man and I feel so lucky to have him that I don’t want to hurt his feelings if I’m just being silly. I’m sure I’ll get used to it eventually.

Ring Not Rosy

You’re not silly. Unless it were what one would call an important piece of heirloom jewelry, in which case one’s reservations could possibly be overcome, being presented with a dead first wife’s engagement ring is a little like being asked to wear her lingerie. It would give most of us at least a mild case of the heebie-jeebies, and for others it could be grounds for breaking the engagement off entirely. Props to you for not visibly recoiling at the sight of it—or throwing it back in his face.

Your wonderful husband-to-be offered to buy you your own ring—so let him. You don’t have to make a big fuss. Just tell him that you’re honored that he wants you to have his grandmother’s and mother’s ring, but since it was also his children’s mother’s ring, it’s only right that it go to one of them. Tell him you think it might be painful for them to see you wearing it. This won’t hurt his feelings, and has the added benefit of showing how sensitive you are to the feelings of his children.

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