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Friends With Benefits

Emily Flake

By Mink Stole | Posted 12/22/2004

Iím stuck in the middle between two friends, and Iím not sure how I got here. My friend Jack is furious with me because my friend Judy got a job where I work. Jack never once said anything to me about wanting to work here. Judy, on the other hand, never mentioned it to me either, but all on her own she made an appointment with the personnel department, filled out an application, gave them her rťsumť, and got hired. But Jack thinks that since Judy got the job, I must have helped her, and therefore I must have chosen her over him. Now he wonít talk to me, and heís telling all my friends what a shit I am, and how I must have a thing for Judy. Judy was upset because Jack said something to her boyfriend, but after we explained what happened he understood that it was just Jackís stupid way of getting back at Judy. Fortunately my girlfriend knows the truth, and knows that Judyís just a friend. I know Jackís being a jerk, but I feel terrible that heís so upset. What can I do to make him understand I had nothing to do with Judyís job?

Matt In The Middle


Most of us have enough trouble reading our own minds, let alone trying to telepathically decipher whatís going on with our friends, yet itís amazing how many people still subscribe to the you-should-know-without-my-having-to-tell-you method of communication. And then when the method inevitably fails, and we actually spend our time taking care of our own lives instead of devoting it all to fulfilling their unspoken but should-be-intuited desires, these narcissistic boneheads are as outraged as an unweaned infant being denied the tit for the very first time.

If Jack had put the same energy into asking you to help him that heís putting into pissing and moaning about how mistreated he is, he might be making himself some money right now instead of making trouble for everybody else. But who knows? Even if you had gotten him an interview, if he had showed up with the same petulant chip on his shoulder heís lugging around now, chances are good he wouldnít have gotten the job anyway. Deep inside, Jack knows he blew it, but instead of taking responsibility for a lesson learned, heís decided to try to make you pay for his mistake. Itís crap; donít buy into it. If his friendship really means that much to you, you can tell him youíre sorry he feels bad, but donít waste your time apologizing for not being psychic. And donít apologize for Judy getting the job Jack wanted, either; she earned it. If Jackie-boy wants to play with grown-ups, he has to stop acting up and start growing up.

Iíve just turned 19, and a few months ago I broke up with a girl Iíd been dating for a year. She really liked me, but the whole time we were together I didnít really care that much about her, and I let her know it. Toward the end I cheated on her a couple of times, but even after she forgave me for that, I still decided to dump her, so I picked a fight over something trivial and told her it was over. Mainly I was tired of her, and I wanted to hook up with some other girls. I let her call me sometimes, though, because even though I didnít want her, it felt good having a backup. After a while, though, she met someone else and told me she was in love. It didnít hurt me then because I was seeing a lot of girls, but lately Iím getting kind of sick of seeing a different girl every weekend and I want a real relationship. I keep thinking about my old girlfriend. She was so much nicer to me than any of the girls Iíve dated since then. I know sheís got a boyfriend, and I hear through mutual friends that theyíre pretty happy together, but I now realize what a good thing I hadóand I miss her. Do you I should call her and try to get her back?

Want Another Chance


Normally Iím a big believer in second chances, but if your former girlfriend were to ask me about taking you back, Iíd say it would be about as good an idea as a honey-and-poison-ivy body wrap. Iíd tell her it was highly likely that the only reason you even wanted her was that you missed having someone around who let you treat them like dog-doo, and that now that she was happy with someone else, you thought fucking that up for her would be fun, not to mention a big ego boost. Iíd tell her that even though your previous experience with playing the field had been disappointing, if she were fool enough to take you back, it probably wouldnít take long for you to get bored enough with her willing-to-be-a-doormat personality that youíd want to cheat on and/or dump her again. Then Iíd tell her it was her decision. But she didnít write, you did, so itís your decisionóbut the decent thing for you to do, if you can manage that for once, is just to leave her the hell alone.

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