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Matt In The Middle

Most of us have enough trouble reading our own minds, let alone trying to telepathically decipher what’s going on with our friends, yet it’s amazing how many people still subscribe to the you-should-know-without-my-having-to-tell-you method of communication. And then when the method inevitably fails, and we actually spend our time taking care of our own lives instead of devoting it all to fulfilling their unspoken but should-be-intuited desires, these narcissistic boneheads are as outraged as an unweaned infant being denied the tit for the very first time.

If Jack had put the same energy into asking you to help him that he’s putting into pissing and moaning about how mistreated he is, he might be making himself some money right now instead of making trouble for everybody else. But who knows? Even if you had gotten him an interview, if he had showed up with the same petulant chip on his shoulder he’s lugging around now, chances are good he wouldn’t have gotten the job anyway. Deep inside, Jack knows he blew it, but instead of taking responsibility for a lesson learned, he’s decided to try to make you pay for his mistake. It’s crap; don’t buy into it. If his friendship really means that much to you, you can tell him you’re sorry he feels bad, but don’t waste your time apologizing for not being psychic. And don’t apologize for Judy getting the job Jack wanted, either; she earned it. If Jackie-boy wants to play with grown-ups, he has to stop acting up and start growing up.

I’ve just turned 19, and a few months ago I broke up with a girl I’d been dating for a year. She really liked me, but the whole time we were together I didn’t really care that much about her, and I let her know it. Toward the end I cheated on her a couple of times, but even after she forgave me for that, I still decided to dump her, so I picked a fight over something trivial and told her it was over. Mainly I was tired of her, and I wanted to hook up with some other girls. I let her call me sometimes, though, because even though I didn’t want her, it felt good having a backup. After a while, though, she met someone else and told me she was in love. It didn’t hurt me then because I was seeing a lot of girls, but lately I’m getting kind of sick of seeing a different girl every weekend and I want a real relationship. I keep thinking about my old girlfriend. She was so much nicer to me than any of the girls I’ve dated since then. I know she’s got a boyfriend, and I hear through mutual friends that they’re pretty happy together, but I now realize what a good thing I had—and I miss her. Do you I should call her and try to get her back?

Want Another Chance

Normally I’m a big believer in second chances, but if your former girlfriend were to ask me about taking you back, I’d say it would be about as good an idea as a honey-and-poison-ivy body wrap. I’d tell her it was highly likely that the only reason you even wanted her was that you missed having someone around who let you treat them like dog-doo, and that now that she was happy with someone else, you thought fucking that up for her would be fun, not to mention a big ego boost. I’d tell her that even though your previous experience with playing the field had been disappointing, if she were fool enough to take you back, it probably wouldn’t take long for you to get bored enough with her willing-to-be-a-doormat personality that you’d want to cheat on and/or dump her again. Then I’d tell her it was her decision. But she didn’t write, you did, so it’s your decision—but the decent thing for you to do, if you can manage that for once, is just to leave her the hell alone.

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