Fraidy Cat

You never hear anyone talking about things that go bump in the day, FC, so, as things to be afraid of go, the dark is perfectly reasonable, certainly more so than an illogical dread of walking (ambulophobia), say, or sitting (cathisophobia), or bathing (ablutophobia), any of which could put a serious damper on a successful social life. If it makes you feel more grown-up, you can even call it by any of its three legitimate medical names: achluophobia, nyctophobia, or, my favorite, scotophobia. Fear by any other name is still fear, but you needn’t let it ruin your life.

You could try hypnosis or therapy or meditation, but before you go to all that trouble and expense, you might just try leaving some lights on. There’s no rule that says you have to sleep in a total blackout. Try putting your bedroom lights on a timer, so that they go out after you fall asleep, or a dimmer, so you can gradually, over the course of time, turn them lower and lower until you can turn them off completely. Or you can plug in a night-light in every room of your house. The cost in electricity and bulbs is negligible, and any guests you may have will thank you for the ability to navigate their way to the bathroom or kitchen without the need to turn on the overheads.

I am a fan and regular reader of your column. I think you are usually on the mark, but I strongly disagree with the advice you gave to Honest Abe (Think Mink, Dec. 15). I think what Abe needs is to sit down and do some serious thinking about how he would feel if his girlfriend had slept with someone else. Then he should do some serious talking. He should explain to his girlfriend exactly why she should trust him; that is what she really needs to hear. If he has given serious consideration to her feelings, it should make the discussion much easier. Then he has to be worthy of that trust, which will take a long time to rebuild. Giving her something sparkly seems like the easy way out. What she really needs is a reasonable explanation about what happened and assurance that she isn’t replaceable and won’t be hurt again.

A Fan

I hate to chastise a loyal fan, but, honey, you need to sit down and seriously read that column again, because you were decidedly distracted by something the first time, like maybe a bad memory of your own. Abe’s big mistake was not his coitus almostus with another gal, it was spilling his guts to his girlfriend. They were not a couple when it happened; they had broken up. They were finito, kaput. Each of them was single, independent, and available, a free agent with every right to do whatever with any willing other. Just because she didn’t exercise her option doesn’t mean Abe was unfaithful. Even if he had gone through with it with this other gal, the contract of exclusivity had been dissolved. Also, Abe is a lousy talker. It was doing exactly what you want him to do that backfired and got him into all this trouble in the first place. If he had kept his big mouth shut about what he did when what he did was none of her business, his girlfriend wouldn’t be feeling all this doubt and they could now be happily reconciled.

A trinket, no matter how pricey, should never be used as a substitute for fidelity, but, although you and Abe’s girlfriend seem to think it is, fidelity is not the issue here. The bauble I suggested is to make up for hurting by telling her how this experience proved to him how much he loved her. When a guy who is trying to tell a woman how precious she is to him ends up kicking her in the heart with the same foot he’s shoving down his own throat, sometimes a nice piece of jewelry makes a sweet and effective bandage.

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