Sign up for our newsletters   

Baltimore City Paper home.
Print Email

Think Mink

Modern Immaturity

Emily Flake

By Mink Stole | Posted 1/19/2005

I’m 16, and for three months I was dating a guy who is 20. He was my first real boyfriend, and I was his first girlfriend. We made love—the first time for both of us—it was wonderful, sweet, and romantic, and I thought I truly loved him. He was in college and living with his parents, but after a couple of months he got really intense and wanted me to move into an apartment with him and quit school and have his kids. This totally freaked me out; I’m way too young for that, and my parents would have gone ballistic. I had a hard time convincing them to let me date him in the first place. When I wouldn’t agree, he accused me of having another boyfriend or maybe even being a lesbian. We broke up because I couldn’t make him understand that I just didn’t want to settle down yet. I saw him last week at the movies, but when I tried to speak to him he walked out of the theater. He once told me that if we broke up he’d probably throw himself in front of a train. I hate to think he might hurt himself because of me.

Worried Wendy

Assuming you were careful and used proper protection, WW, I’m glad your first “love connection” was good; not everyone gets that. But while this should guarantee a permanent place in your heart for this boy, it doesn’t mean you owe him a permanent place in your life. He was trouble waiting to happen. He would not necessarily have become abusive, but his trying to rush you into such an insane commitment so soon and so young is a pretty good sign he’s not the most emotionally secure kid on the block. He didn’t just want you to live with him, he wanted you permanently glued to him. And finding it easier to accept that you might be cheating or gay than just plain too smart to buy into his happily-ever-after-with-kids fantasy ranks him even lower on the maturity meter.

His talk of trains was more likely a romantic overdramatization than a real threat, but if you have concerns that he really might harm himself, it wouldn’t hurt to tell either your parents or an adult who knows him. Beyond that, however, you have no responsibility for him. He has to take control of his life, and you need to take care of your own. With your next love, though, get to know his mental condition a bit better before getting intimate.

 

My fiancé is a wonderful guy. He’s sensitive and respectful and all that good stuff, and he’s also a hunk. I’m very lucky and very happy. Except . . . well, of course there’s an “except,” because otherwise I wouldn’t be writing to you. Sometimes it feels like he’s the girl in our relationship. It’s not that he wants to wear my dresses or anything like that, but it’s like he can’t stop talking about our relationship. He’s always asking me to tell him how much I love him, and if I don’t answer the way he wants he gets hurt. He loves to cuddle after sex, which I used to think was great, but if I go to sleep before he does, even when I have to get up early in the morning for work, his feelings get hurt. He gets testy if I don’t call him when I’m going to get home even a few minutes late, even when I explain I was stuck in traffic. He’s not like this all the time—usually he’s the wonderful guy I want to marry—but the closer we get to our wedding in August, the more insecure he is and the easier it is to upset him. All this neediness is getting on my nerves, especially because I’m working really hard to make sure our wedding will be perfect. How can I reassure him so we can both have some peace?

Don’t Want to Be the Man

Ouch on the implication that only girls are whiny and demanding, DWTBTM, but whether or not we acknowledge these as primarily female traits, they can be dreadfully annoying. But if this is new behavior for your fiancé, chances are it’s wedding related, and temporary, and all he really wants is some extra attention to reassure him that he’s more to you than just the guy in a tux who better get his lines right at the altar. If you’re going to be late, call him; it’s no more than you’d do for a friend or associate. Arrange a romantic weekend away, or, if that’s not possible, a nice dinner for two, sans cell phones so you can concentrate on him. Drink coffee instead of wine, though, so if he wants a cuddle and chat later you’ll be awake. Leave him love notes. Give him a massage. Bring him flowers. All this may sound silly, but no sex has a monopoly on insecurity. If the guy is worth marrying, he’s certainly worth some extra time and effort. And it could just put everybody’s feelings right back where they belong.

Related stories

Think Mink archives

More from Mink Stole

Pick and Choose (4/12/2006)
First of all, homosexuality isn’t like snake handling or Catholicism; it isn’t a cult or a religion you can be recruited for or converted to.

Territorial Rites (4/5/2006)

Family Guy (3/15/2006)

Comments powered by Disqus

Calendar

Restaurants