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Modern Immaturity

Emily Flake

By Mink Stole | Posted 1/19/2005

Iím 16, and for three months I was dating a guy who is 20. He was my first real boyfriend, and I was his first girlfriend. We made loveóthe first time for both of usóit was wonderful, sweet, and romantic, and I thought I truly loved him. He was in college and living with his parents, but after a couple of months he got really intense and wanted me to move into an apartment with him and quit school and have his kids. This totally freaked me out; Iím way too young for that, and my parents would have gone ballistic. I had a hard time convincing them to let me date him in the first place. When I wouldnít agree, he accused me of having another boyfriend or maybe even being a lesbian. We broke up because I couldnít make him understand that I just didnít want to settle down yet. I saw him last week at the movies, but when I tried to speak to him he walked out of the theater. He once told me that if we broke up heíd probably throw himself in front of a train. I hate to think he might hurt himself because of me.

Worried Wendy

Assuming you were careful and used proper protection, WW, Iím glad your first ďlove connectionĒ was good; not everyone gets that. But while this should guarantee a permanent place in your heart for this boy, it doesnít mean you owe him a permanent place in your life. He was trouble waiting to happen. He would not necessarily have become abusive, but his trying to rush you into such an insane commitment so soon and so young is a pretty good sign heís not the most emotionally secure kid on the block. He didnít just want you to live with him, he wanted you permanently glued to him. And finding it easier to accept that you might be cheating or gay than just plain too smart to buy into his happily-ever-after-with-kids fantasy ranks him even lower on the maturity meter.

His talk of trains was more likely a romantic overdramatization than a real threat, but if you have concerns that he really might harm himself, it wouldnít hurt to tell either your parents or an adult who knows him. Beyond that, however, you have no responsibility for him. He has to take control of his life, and you need to take care of your own. With your next love, though, get to know his mental condition a bit better before getting intimate.

 

My fiancť is a wonderful guy. Heís sensitive and respectful and all that good stuff, and heís also a hunk. Iím very lucky and very happy. Except . . . well, of course thereís an ďexcept,Ē because otherwise I wouldnít be writing to you. Sometimes it feels like heís the girl in our relationship. Itís not that he wants to wear my dresses or anything like that, but itís like he canít stop talking about our relationship. Heís always asking me to tell him how much I love him, and if I donít answer the way he wants he gets hurt. He loves to cuddle after sex, which I used to think was great, but if I go to sleep before he does, even when I have to get up early in the morning for work, his feelings get hurt. He gets testy if I donít call him when Iím going to get home even a few minutes late, even when I explain I was stuck in traffic. Heís not like this all the timeóusually heís the wonderful guy I want to marryóbut the closer we get to our wedding in August, the more insecure he is and the easier it is to upset him. All this neediness is getting on my nerves, especially because Iím working really hard to make sure our wedding will be perfect. How can I reassure him so we can both have some peace?

Donít Want to Be the Man

Ouch on the implication that only girls are whiny and demanding, DWTBTM, but whether or not we acknowledge these as primarily female traits, they can be dreadfully annoying. But if this is new behavior for your fiancť, chances are itís wedding related, and temporary, and all he really wants is some extra attention to reassure him that heís more to you than just the guy in a tux who better get his lines right at the altar. If youíre going to be late, call him; itís no more than youíd do for a friend or associate. Arrange a romantic weekend away, or, if thatís not possible, a nice dinner for two, sans cell phones so you can concentrate on him. Drink coffee instead of wine, though, so if he wants a cuddle and chat later youíll be awake. Leave him love notes. Give him a massage. Bring him flowers. All this may sound silly, but no sex has a monopoly on insecurity. If the guy is worth marrying, heís certainly worth some extra time and effort. And it could just put everybodyís feelings right back where they belong.

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Pick and Choose (4/12/2006)
First of all, homosexuality isnít like snake handling or Catholicism; it isnít a cult or a religion you can be recruited for or converted to.

Territorial Rites (4/5/2006)

Family Guy (3/15/2006)

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