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Oh Dear God

Calm down, honey. The fact that you were temporarily blinded by desire does not make you a deliberate scofflaw of the rules of love. All homes are intact, ODG, and your soul is unstained. Your face may be red, but there’s no need to sew a scarlet letter on your clothes or to crawl through the streets in a hair shirt. All you did was tell a guy you thought was unattached that you liked him enough to want to know him better. Even though it turned out he wasn’t single, this is not a crime. Actually, he should be flattered, and if he were really swell he would have said so, instead of making you feel so damned awkward.

I know this seems like a huge deal in a small world, but a bit of the truth mixed with some all-purpose self-deprecating humor should be just what you need to defuse the situation and make everyone comfortable again. Since this conversation started with an e-mail, it may be easier to keep it electronic. Just e-mail him one more time saying something light like, “Oops, I didn’t know you had a girlfriend. Thanks for telling me. She’s a lucky gal.” Then smile and be pleasant whenever you see either of them, and before you know it everyone but you will have forgotten the entire incident. And pretty soon even you won’t care any more.

I’m 28 and have a 7-year-old daughter. I was with one guy for eight years, a real strong-willed man’s man who rarely showed his feelings, wore jeans and work boots, and kept his beard and hair scruffy. We broke up, and soon after I met a guy who is his exact opposite. He’s beautiful, with lovely soft skin and hair, and he wears great clothes and diamond earrings. And he’s very in touch with his feelings. These differences attracted me at first, but now they’re getting on my nerves. This guy cries at least once a day. Either I didn’t hold him long enough in bed, or maybe I snapped at him. He constantly tells me how much he loves me, and if I don’t respond in kind he accuses me of not loving him. No matter how busy I am, he’s constantly after me to hold and kiss him. He worries constantly about his appearance and actually cried once because he lost a piece of jewelry. I love him and I try to be patient, because I know he was abused by his dad as a child, and he is a couple of years younger than I am, but sometimes I act mean to toughen him up. Then he cries and I get angry inside. Am I just a bitch? Is it every woman’s dream to have a beautiful man this much in love with her? Or is something very dysfunctional going on here?

Fed Up With Feelings

Lots of women dream of having a beautiful man to adore them, FUWF, but this new guy of yours is a nightmare. He’s not looking for a girlfriend; he wants a mommy. He may be only two actual years younger than you, but I’m surprised he’s not begging you to burp him after each meal and keep his diapers changed.

It’s easy to understand how, after being with Mr. Tough Guy for so long, you would find the beauty and gentleness, not to mention the grooming, of this lovely young lad irresistible, at least at first. But the only thing change guarantees is difference, not improvement. If you had met him a bit longer after your breakup, and had a chance to be single for a while, maybe you’d have seen him more clearly before you got involved , but perhaps not. Regardless, until he grows up, it would far better for you to focus your maternal instincts on your real child and toss this overgrown baby out with his bath water.

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