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Mr. Wrong

Holiday Helper

By Joe MacLeod | Posted 2/16/2005

You know, one of the most fucked-up things about This Great Land of Ours, with the Fruited Plains and the Shining Grains and whatever, is the whole Holiday situation, in terms of the amount of the days off vs. the actual Holiday-days deal. I mean, like, there are all these Holidays, but where are the days off? There are no laws about any of this shit, or if there are, they stink.

And this is not to be confused with ďVacation,Ē which is also kinda fucked up when you compare it maybe to, like, what they got for all those Frenchies over there in Eurostinia and stuff, where I think they do this deal called ďHolidaysĒ and everybody takes a whole fuckiní month off or something like that. Fuckiní Frenchiesóthose Europolitanicians got it made, man.

Anyway, with these Holidays as we know them, this is February, and look what we got: Super Bowl, Ash Wednesday, Chinese New Year, Lincolnís Birthday, Valentineís Day, Presidentsí Day, and Washingtonís Birthday. I didnít get one stinking day off for any of those. Not one goddamn sumbitchiní mother-effiní day. People who work in fucking banks and for the Government and stuff get shit like Presidentsí Day off, and itís all love, reallyógood for youóbut whereís mine?

And where the fuck is Groundhog Day? I donít even see Groundhog Day on my stupid calendarówhat the fuck is up with that? I canít even remember if Groundhog Day is on the 1st or the 2nd. Jeez, what a crappy calendar. So itís like, OK, Groundhog Day is basically where they get this animal to come out of its den or living room or whatever, and then they decide, if the íhog saw its shadow, if thereís gonna be less winter or more spring, and then probably where they invented it I bet everybody gets drunk and then eats roasted groundhogs or something barbaric and exciting like that, even though I donít think I would wanna eat a groundhog ícuz it pretty much looks like an obese rat with Chiclets stuffed in its mouth. But hey, Iím not gonna judge anybody on their barbaric rituals since Iím all about Super Bowl, right? Exactly.

This year the groundhog predicted six more weeks of winter, and if you look at a calendaróone that I would hope has fucking Groundhog Day on itóitís just a liíl bit over six weeks until spring anyway. But I dig the Groundhog Day, because when the fat little bastard says thereís gonna be an early spring, thatís Good Times, right? I mean, even if you think itís total bullshit, or maybe groundhog shit, believing the groundhog, youíre still gonna think maybe itís gonna be an early spring. And then if the groundhog harshes everybodyís mellow and declares more winter, then you get angry at the groundhog and look on the calendaróone that has Groundhog Day on itóand count up the days, and then youíre like, ďHey, groundhog, itís six weeks to spring anyway, dumbass.Ē Stupid groundhog.

See? Groundhog Day is, like, a day of hope and skepticism and check-that-shit-out-ism based on the Premonition of the Groundhog, and it should be a holiday and I should get the fucking day off, umkay?

And donít tell me to take a vacation day, because I probably took one the day before on account of Super Bowl. And, look, thereís a lotta people out there who want that day after Super Bowl to be a National Holiday called ďSuper Bowl Monday,Ē or ďSuper Monday,Ē or something to that effect, and Iím so-ooo totally on that bus, because you canít show me a more Holiday-type day in this country, seriously. Thereís like a katrillion people all watching the same fuckiní teevee channel on Super Bowl, man, so letís get real about hookiní the Entire Country up for a real-deal day of National Unity.

And like all Other Holidays, you donít gotta believe in it or anything, just take the fucker off, OK? Címon, I mean, what the fuck do 99.9 percent of the people who get Presidentsí Day off do, right? No offense to anybody who actually Observes the Presidentsí Day or anything like that, but I think more people are involved in Groundhog Day, really.

Anyway, on Presidentsí Day people either sit on their ass at home or else they go out and Consume, which is part of the Circle of Life in this here country, and on Super Bowl, most people do both things, right? They sit on their ass and consume, and that is totally on track with most Good Holidays, like Thanksgiving, where you eat and watch football because youíre lying on the floor like a gorged lion and canít raise your head to see where the remote is so you could maybe switch it to the Game Show Network to catch a little Match Game í74, and then you fall asleep anyway and drool on the rug and when you get up you have a rug-weave pattern on half of your face and your arm is asleep, which makes it hard to assemble that turkey-and-stuffing-and-cranberry-sauce-and-mayonnaise-fatass sammich. And then thereís like Fourth of July, where youíre encouraged to eat a lot of hot dogs, or not dogs or whatever, and then go to the beach or look at fireworks or eat a pie or something and thereís beer.

But look, get behind this Groundhog Day and Super Monday shit, OK? We could end up with some serious four-day weekends, and maybe even a five day weekend if you throw in Chinese New Year after the Chinese take over the earth.

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