Chat Her Up
Hanging on the Telephone
Although you may find this hard to believe, HOTT, not all women are airheaded chatterboxes. And not every phone call is a desperate plea for reassurance. We gals do tend to chat more than guys do, and make conversation about our everyday lives, because thatís how we get to know each other and connect. Youíre a very independent guy, and that can make a lot of women uneasy. It isnít necessarily that we want to cook and clean for you, but that much self-sufficiency can make us feel unneeded, that with or without us your life would be the same. If we call too often, it may be just that weíre trying to figure out where, if anywhere, we fit into your life. If you werenít so busy feeling trapped by it, you might actually feel flattered.
Dating is a screening process. So, in the future, before you spend so much time with a gal that you establish girlfriend-boyfriend status, instead of focusing on how pretty or sexy she is try listening to her. If her conversation is lame on your first date, it wonít have improved by the second. And, if you can manage not to be too pompous, itís fair to tell a gal on a first date that talking too often makes you uncomfortable. If you meet a gal you like and you actually want to make her feel secure, tell her that itís hard for you to talk sometimes during the week, but youíll be ready and eager for anything she has to say when you see her Saturday night.
My husband is frequenting an interactive porn site, where he can chat with the performer through a live feed and she will grant his specific requestsóand make her own suggestions. Iím infuriated because, although we have openly discussed our boundaries, and Iíve told him I donít usually mind porn because itís voyeuristic and harmless, I feel that for someone in a monogamous relationship visiting this site is more like hiring a prostitute because there is actual communication between the parties and sexual gratification (at least for the visitor). I confronted him about this, and he didnít seem all that bothered by the fact that I was upset. When I mentioned a loss of trust, he said with a blank tone and face, ďIf you donít trust me, then Iíll leave.Ē Heís never been so disrespectful of my feelings before, and I never believed he would speak of dissolving our marriage so casually. Am I allowing jealousy to cloud my perception of his activities even though I felt this way before I knew what he was doing? Was he possibly passive-aggressively striking out at me by doing this? Should I take his unemotional handling of my concerns as a warning sign? I love him, but Iím not ready to be that idiot who sticks her head in the sand and refuses to believe her husband is cheating, or ready to, just to avoid a divorce.
Itís a multibillion-dollar industry, WW, so you know your husband isnít the only guy in the world who dearly loves porn. Plenty of women do, too, but itís mostly for guys. Single, married, straight, gay, confused, or curious, they canít get enough of it. That doesnít mean you shouldnít find your husbandís activities objectionable, and most wives would probably agree with you, but, to be fair, you did tell him porn was OK. He may not have realized he was moving into unacceptable-to-you territory until you accused him of being untrustworthy. Which could explain why, instead of the apology and promise never to do it again that you expected, he gave you such a cold-blooded response. The problem is that now the two of you have backed yourselves and each other into tight, angry corners.
To reopen communication, try telling your husband youíre sorry you got so mad, but that you hadnít anticipated that type of porn so you couldnít have known in advance how badly you would react to it. Tell him you donít want him to leave, but that itís time to reconsider your boundaries. This gives him a graceful way to compromise and save face. If, however, he still insists that his right to on-screen pleasure is more important than the way you feel about it, it might be time to reconsider whether or not you have a marriage worth keeping.
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