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Carolina on My Mind

As big a fan as I am of making grand, dramatic moves to recharge a life going nowhere, COMM, when you’re actually moving toward something, drastically changing course for the sake of a new boyfriend makes about as much sense as throwing yourself into a shark tank with a great bleeding gash on your leg. Maybe in time what you have will develop into something worth changing your life for, but it’s way too soon. You haven’t seen his real life and you’ve barely started your own. Inviting yourself into his world would put you on a very unequal footing. He’s a businessman; you’re a college kid. It’s not just the age difference; it’s that, at best, you’d have the income from a part-time job, which means either he’d always have to pick up the tab or you’d be limited to what you can afford. He’s established with work and friends while you’d be starting all over, finding an apartment, a roommate, a job, a new school. Even without meaning to, you’d be putting so much responsibility for your happiness on him and his love that the relationship would unlikely survive the strain. Better for you to stay in the world you’re already flourishing in. Keep corresponding, visit when you can, but stay put, at least until you’ve built a much more solid foundation. It doesn’t pay to chuck a good thing until you’re pretty damn sure what you’re trading it in for is better.

I’m in my 20s and have been with my fiancé for three years. We live together and we have a child. Life was going along fine until we briefly worked together and I noticed a certain woman always hanging around him. When I brought it to his attention he brushed it off. Now, five months after we have both changed jobs, this woman is calling him at home, inviting him out to parties and things, and I’ve found out that he’s been visiting her and hanging out with her. I’m really pissed. I don’t have a problem with his having female friends, but I don’t like his sneaking around to see her. I feel doubly betrayed because once, when I had words with this woman, my fiancé got mad at me. I think there’s more to their relationship than he’s telling me, but I need fresh eyes to look at it. What do you think?

Trouble in Paradise

Unless you’re paranoid or delusional and imagining all this, TIP, I think you’re probably right. It’s possible for a hetero guy and gal to spend time alone together as pals, but unless they find each other physically repellent, are closely related, or are operating under some other social or self-imposed taboo, it doesn’t happen a lot. This gal obviously doesn’t give a shit that you know about her, which could mean she has no romantic designs on your fiancé, but it’s more likely she’s announcing her candidacy for your position in his life and thinks she’s moving ahead in the polls. This and the fact that he’s been lying to you about her do not bode well for your anticipated marriage.

I don’t like cheaters, so if you didn’t have a kid I’d probably tell you to dump the creep, but, as the commercials keep reminding us, having a baby changes everything. It doesn’t mean you stay with a guy who treats you badly, but it does mean you take a closer look at a problem to see if it can be worked out before you bail. Try to talk to him calmly about what’s truly going on without making any accusations or ultimatums. Ask him what he wants. If he won’t talk, or gets evasive or angry, you’ll have to make some tough decisions about what to do next. The thing is, a wedding is not a cure for anything, so if trust is a problem before you get married, it’s pretty safe bet it’ll be a problem after.

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