So not to brag or anything, but I got a job. I know, it’s a miracle. Plus, my jobaliciousness comes with one of these 401(k) deals, right? I don’t know what the (k) stands for and I don’t care, O(K)? It’s beyond the scope of my financial acumen to even understand the “401” part, so don’t sweat me for the (k).

Anyway, you puts the money into the (k) from your job, and then if you work it right, when you get old, right before you’re dead, you get to take the cash out so you can buy dog food and whiskey and stuff. Money from my paycheck gets put into these wacky things with names like prm core bond and sel blue chip grwth, and I get to go to this web site and look at a pie chart whenever I want to see how my loot is doing. The fun li’l multicolored slices of pie such as prm small co opprty are all the different things I can dump my dough into, but you know what? The pie don’t taste so good.

Like today, I go to look at my slices, and it’s all like -0.37 percent, 1.79 percent, -0.19 percent, -0.94 percent, -4.59 percent, -1.08 percent, -2.72 percent, -0.74 percent, -1.40 percent, and so on. Didja notice how most of those numbers have minus signs in front of ’em? Yeah, well, so did I, and my team of financial experts advises me that the minus signs are there because most of these fuckers are losing money. Swell. When I looked this time the one that lost the most money is a pie slice called growth. That’s pretty funny, huh? The growth one is not growing too good. Man, that’s killin’ me, seriously—growth.

There’s also one I got called destination retirement, and that one came in at -0.19 percent, so when I arrive at my destination of retirement, I’m gonna have -0.19 percent in my wallet. I fuckin’ gotta wait until I’m retired to be broke? Lemme rephrase that; I’m kinda broke now, and I’m putting money into an account that has a minus fucking sign, and now I can look on the web site to track the progress of how my
brokeness is progressing. My stomach hurts.

I got one of those things from Social Security showing what my bounty would be if I’m alive when I retire, and guess what, there’s no minus signs, so I think I’m gonna screw the 401-action and put my (k)ash into the Social Security when they turn it into a deal where you can put in more money than they force you to. I just can’t figure out what the investment categories are gonna be. What are those cute little pie slices gonna be called, hah?

I mean no offense, but what does Our Government do that makes money? Are We the People gonna do an IPO and sell shares of stock in the country, or are there gonna be specific Approved Businesses that will be available for us to invest in? I woulda plowed a lotta cash into some of those Subway® Restaurants, or something stable like cigarettes, now that it’s OK to get cancer since the cigarette companies paid out the big bucks for those lawsuits.

How genius a move was that, eh? It’s like, “OK, we never ever said there was anything in cigarettes that was bad, but then you got us to put labels that say smoking can kill you on the packages of smokes or we can’t sell ’em anymore, and then we got sued because it turns out there’s Scientific Evidence that smoking can kill you, so we’re gonna give back a whole bunch of cash to pay for some oxygen tents and some ads that say hey, smoking might not be such a good idea, as long as we can continue to sell the cigarettes.” Man, absolutely nothing changed, but a whole buncha lawyers got paid to settle this shit, and now it’s OK and still legal and shit for the cigarette companies to operate. Genius. I wanna invest in that kinda shit, OK? That’s the kind of moneymaking opportunity I wanna get next to. And the Government still kinda helps farmers out somehow with the tobacco growing, right? Subsidies or whatever? Double genius.

So I want tobacco and oil companies in my Social Security thing, OK? And burger king because of those crazy-ass new commercials with all the weird sets and honeys and that Guy from Hootie and the Blowfish Who is Not Actually Called Hootie, and beer, and snack foods. I can’t even figure out what the fuck They (and you know who They are) wouldn’t let Me the People invest in this way, except maybe porn or stem cells. Hey, whatta I know? I mean, both those things sound like Sound Investments, and I thought the Business of America was Business and all that kinda crap, but if I can lay some money down on the cigarettes and beer, I won’t feel bad gettin’ locked out of the porn and stem cells action. Ooh, and lawyers. This fuckin’ country is crawling with lawyers, so I want some stock options or an annuity or whatever when they fix the Social Security. This is gonna be great, seriously, we’re all gonna get fuckin’ rich off this deal, right?

Anyway, I got it all figured out. If this Social Security thing doesn’t get improved, I’m gonna put all my destination retirement cash into a new fund I just invented called scratch-off lottery tickets.

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