Sign up for our newsletters   

Baltimore City Paper home.
Print Email

Think Mink

Get the Message

By Mink Stole | Posted 3/30/2005

I’m afraid I’ve really blown it. I’m 23 and I’ve known Theresa for three years. I always liked her and I told her so, but I never pushed because she was with someone. And even though they weren’t serious, I’m no poacher. I figured if she ever broke up with her and wanted to date me she’d let me know. Well, she did just that a few months ago. I was thrilled, and we started going out a couple of times a week, but soon, just like stereotypical lesbians, we were practically living together. It was like a dream come true. Then she disappeared for a couple of days, and I heard she’d been with her old girlfriend. I was devastated, and before I could think better about it, I wrote—and mailed—her a really nasty letter laying out all my rage and disappointment. I haven’t heard from her since. I don’t know what happened that night, but I miss her so much I don’t care. I’ve left millions of messages and sent letters apologizing, but she won’t answer. I know she didn’t get back together with her old girlfriend. It’s been three weeks. Should I keep trying or is it hopeless?

First Class Fool

So you took that foot you jumped to conclusions on, FCF, and jammed it down your throat. In writing. As the author of a couple of idiotic and ultimately self-destructive letters I’d gladly give a year’s income never to have mailed, I know how you feel. It’s not the writing—that can be therapeutic, even invigorating—but the damn mailing that’s the problem.

But a million apologies are enough, especially since she’s not responding to them, and maybe accepting the inevitable is the right thing to do. If you want to, you could write one more letter. Instead of apologizing in this one, though, or begging for a response, let her know you’re ready to move on. In your own words, tell her that in the several months you spent together you showed her your best, because that’s what you want to give her, and then, in one stupid, hot-headed moment, you hit her with your worst. You’d take it back if you could, but you can’t. You’re not perfect. But you hope one day she’ll be able to forgive you. Best wishes. Maybe tell her you love her, but that’s it: no apologies, no asking for answers. Just let her know how you feel and leave it up to her to respond when she’s ready. It may not get her back, but it will get you up out of that groveling position, and that, if nothing else, makes it worth the try.


My girlfriend and I have been dating for nearly a year and we’ve been really happy. We’re both in our last year of high school, and since we’re both planning to attend the same local college, I guess I figured we’d just stay together until we got our degrees and started working, then we’d get married, buy a house, have kids, etc., etc. I’m nuts about her, and since our first date I’ve felt incredibly lucky to have found the woman I would be with forever. Even though we never really talked about it, I totally believed she felt the same way. Until now. She’s always been active in school, but this year, along with her regular stuff, she’s in the chorus and on the yearbook committee, and she got a part-time job on the weekends. Last week she told me she needed to take a break from me and us. She said she thinks she still loves me but she’s so busy that trying to make time to see me is feeling more like an obligation than a pleasure. She said she wants some time to herself to think about what she really wants and if she still wants to be with me. I love her so much, I can’t believe this is happening. What can I do to keep us together?

Holding on Tight

Nothing. When seeing you becomes a chore to be scheduled like homework and laundry instead of a treat to look forward to, HOT, it is time to let go. While you’ve been assuming together forever, she’s been discovering that of everything she’s involved in, what she’s most willing to give up is you. Maybe she just wants to find out if she misses you if you’re not around, or she thinks you’re taking her for granted and wants to shake you out of your complacency, but it’s more likely she just wants out. She’s obviously bright and ambitious, with a mind of her own, but without bothering to tell her, you’ve been mentally planning the next 50 to 70 years of her life. You’ve probably even decided what to name the kids. Some gals might think this was heaven, but for a gal with other ideas, it’s a prison term.

Don’t cling; she’s told you she doesn’t want to see you, so any overtures you make before she’s ready will more likely annoy than please her. Letting her go gracefully leaves all the doors open. And don’t mope around waiting for her. Get out; do stuff. Whether she comes back or not, and I wouldn’t hold my breath, you just might meet someone you like better.

Related stories

Think Mink archives

More from Mink Stole

Pick and Choose (4/12/2006)
First of all, homosexuality isn’t like snake handling or Catholicism; it isn’t a cult or a religion you can be recruited for or converted to.

Territorial Rites (4/5/2006)

Family Guy (3/15/2006)

Comments powered by Disqus
CP on Facebook
CP on Twitter