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Mr. Wrong

How’s Your News

Emily Flake

By Joe MacLeod | Posted 5/11/2005

First of all, holy fucking shit. I mean, really, think about it, right? Like, do you watch the teevee news or hear stuff on the radio that’s not music, or even maybe read stuff like newspapers or whatever? I know newspapers aren’t that popular anymore, but most of ‘em are on the internet, so somebody must be paying attention to this shit. The news, I mean.

Do you see this crap, this news? You cannot make this shit up, and if you do make it up, eventually it happens for real. Like that wacky “runaway bride” chick. They made a movie first, right? About a “runaway bride?” And they called it Runaway Bride? Right? Did you see it? I didn’t, but I know there was a movie about how Julia Roberts was the “Runaway Bride,” and I guess she ran away from/to Richard Gere and it probably sucked, but you know, they were just trying to suckle onto some more of that Pretty Woman box-office juice, which I also didn’t see but I know was a big hit. You can’t blame these Hollywood people for trying to make a few kabillion dollars every once in a while.

Mystic Pizza. I saw that one, just so you didn’t think I was hating on the Julia Roberts and her teeth or whatever. I also saw the one where people are dead and they come back to life or something with Keister Sutherland. And I saw the one with Hugh Grant where he’s English and she’s a bitch. I didn’t buy the ending on that one, but again, it’s a movie, right? Yeah.

So anyway, the news. Like I read some shit about how this guy wanted to get a patent on a combinated animal that was a cross between a human and a mouse. I forget if he wanted to call it a Muman or a Humouse, but really, it was just because he was on the anti-opposite double-reverse side of being able to get a patent on a living breathing creature that had some human in it, see? It’s like, you can get a patent at the patent office on a cow or a dog or a microbacteria-deal that eats oil spills, but once you shuffle more than a coupla human cards into the DNA deck, you can’t get a patent.

Like I saw this picture somewhere once of a fuckin’ mouse with a human ear sewed onto it. Did you ever see that? I’m not making this shit up.

Anyway, so I was thinking I bet somebody’s gonna get a mouse or something and put something from Julia Roberts on it and try to get a patent, right? Or just make a whole Julia Roberts outta some hair or a toenail or whatever. Look, I saw that Star Wars motion picture where they made a whole army outta one guy, so maybe some day a company would wanna make a whole army of Julia Robertses, and that’s fucked up, right?

OK, next case: Iran wants to have an atomic bomb, and everybody’s all worried. I don’t get it. I mean, atomic bombs don’t kill people—people kill people, right? If everybody has an atomic bomb, everybody else will think twice before they pull theirs out and try to rob a liquor store with it. And I think everybody should have a fucking ID card because we all have Social Security Numbers and Drivers Liscences Lisenses Licenses (sorry, that’s the only way I can ever get it spelt right) and Credit Cards and Library Cards, so why can’t we all just get behind One goddamn card for Everything? Why is that Bad?

I saw this movie, The Fifth Element, and they had this thing called Multipass. One card for everything. Why is that bad? I want one. I’m not sayin’ barcode-tattoo on errbody’s forehead or anything like that, I’m just sayin’ One Card for everything, what’s the Big Deal? C’mon, I got too many cards in my wallet, what with credit cards and drivers liscencelisenselicense and grocery store cards, which I have, like, four of, because I can’t stand not gettin’ that teensy-weensy little “club card” discount. I got a card for going to the doctor and getting Drugs, and a Blockbuster Video card that I don’t even use anymore because they screwed me too many times on the late fees, and a card where when I get coffee it gets a hole punched in it and then I get a free coffee after I spend, like, 20 fucking bucks on fucking coffee for chrissakes, and then of course I got my Subway “Sub Club” card, where I get a delicious tuna or whatever I want kinda sammich after I collect eight stamps.

So get behind this and write your Senator or Congressional Representative, OK? One Card for everything, but I don’t want ’em to use my DNA or whatever on it because I value my privacy.

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