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Funny Paper

Th' All-Donut Diet

May 12-May 18, 2003

By Scocca & MacLeod | Posted 5/21/2003

ARMED FORCES DAY DEP'T.: Saturday, Blondie and B.C. appear to be the sole participants in a group salute to the troops. Johnny Hart fills his whole panel with a stretched-out flag background and a saluting Grog in an army helmet; Young & Lebrun do a splash panel of Blondie feeding our men and women and uniform while Dagwood eats with them. "Watch the master search, identify, and destroy!" Dag says, unhinging his jaw to take in a Dagwood sandwich.

YOU CAN GUM THAT AGAIN! DEP'T.: Tuesday in Gasloline Alley, Rufus is troubled by the sound of "m-my store-bought teeth a-rattlin." Wednesday in Hi & Lois, Trixie yearns for "a nice, thick, juicy steak! And some teeth to chew it with."

NEW YORK TIMES CROSSWORD PUZZLE CURRENT EVENTS REPORT DEP'T.: ASSAD, SANDBLASTS, DUMP, IRANIAN, NUKED, POINTOFNORETURN, MUSTACHIOED, NBC, ARI, SPHERIOD, PROBES, ARMOR, GENERAL, COLON.

SUN CROSSWORD PUZZLE TIMELESS EVENTS REPORT DEP'T.: SOLO, MODE, SAFE, AHA, IBET, PINKY, FITS, HOLE, EEK, SLAP, BAG, LATHE, GRIP, THEGUN, NOISE, GASP, END, USEDUP, BELLYBUTTON, AREA.

SUN CROSSWORD PUZZLE OREO WATCH: Tuesday, 57 Across, "Black and white treat."

JUMBLE CLUES SNICKERS DEP'T.: GONALS, LABEZA, YGIRLS, MIDUH, TOESGO.

CURTIS: Monday, Curtis hurts his dad's back by jumping up and throwing his arms around the old man's neck. Saturday, he attempts to hurt his own by doing a grind down a stair railing on his skateboard.

BEETLE BAILEY: Beetle and Otto continue struggling for control of the strip. This week, Bailey leads in overall appearances, 4 to 3, but Otto wins the battle for punchlines, 2 to 1. And Beetle's lone gag, on Thursday, is an uncharacteristically cruel one about dipping Otto's tail in syrup. Things are getting ugly at Camp Swampy.

Tuesday, Greg + Mort Walker.com show Gen. Halftrack conducting warfare via golfcart laptop, on the advice of Spc. Gizmo. Since when are generals at the front anyway?

Friday, Cookie primps for the general's inspection by sticking a piece of bow-tie pasta to his neck. Cookie has no ambition whatsoever to take over the strip.

MARY WORTH: Saunders & Giela change their word-balloon font to something twiggy-looking. Tuesday, the diminutive Brint Prescott bids Dawn Weston a wordy goodbye--"I didn't know Charterstone had such lovely scenery! . . . I shall pass this way again . . . Farewell!"--and saunters off. Wednesday, Dawn opens Prescott's delivery box to find " . . . one lonely, slightly wilted red rose." The accompanying note says, "Genus Mysotis aren't blooming now so I stole this from a funeral home! Mister 'X'." A day of dictionary work reveals that the mysterious man is talking about "forget-me-nots." Meanwhile, Silas Smedlap keeps blathering on about his restaurant plans.

APARTMENT 3-G: Monday through Thursday, the G's worry about the problems of the neighboring Poe family: the wife's depression, the husband's shiftiness, the missed rent payments. By Friday, they've worried enough. "For tonight," Tommie declares, "let's forget all problems and have fun." Isn't Tommie supposed to be the caring one? Saturday, Tommie frets because Margo is primping so extensively to meet Tommie's new boyfriend. Hey, that's what Margo calls fun.

MARK TRAIL: Monday, while Joe thrashes helplessly in the water, Rusty grabs the rifle from Amanda and drops the renegade grizzly with one shot. As the youngsters haul Joe out of the river on Tuesday, Amanda spies a tattoo with her name on it below his torn sleeve, and thereby puts it all together.

Sunday's featured nature-related phenomenon: The scientifically undisputed menace of global warming. "Climate records show that temperatures are 1.2 degrees warmer than a century ago, with most of the increase coming within the last 30 years," Mark declares, striding uphill with a backpack on. "This doesn't sound like much, but the behavior of some animals has been altered . . . Some birds and butterflies have shifted territory as much as 600 miles." Mark Trail is voting for Gore in 2004!

ONE BIG HAPPY: The kids confront and destroy a substitute playground lady, who is armed only with a child psychology degree and a belief that "learning is love, and love is learning." Monday, as she explains that philosophy, the kids stare at her and envision a giant lollipop--aka a sucker. By Thursday, the sub is a quivering lump on the ground. "Can't we Zamboni her?" Ruthie asks, heartlessly.

Sunday, Ruthie practices her sulking technique in front of a mirror.

UNCLE ART'S FUNLAND: Uncle Art's favorite kind of pie is . . . APPLE.

THE PHANTOM: Colonel Woboru finds irregularities in the paperwork of the murderous imposter jungle guides. Eventually, they dig out a valid permit, but not before the colonel's suspicious have been aroused. "I'd better advise our commander," he muses Friday. "See what he thinks."

Sunday, with the Phantom standing by, President Luaga gives the Python a menacing prank call. "Remember the Ghost Who Walks, Chatu? . . . the strong friend to your father and grandfather . . . He knows you have come home . . . knows you brought your criminals here . . . "

WILLY 'N ETHEL: Tuesday, Willy expresses comfort with his social standing. "Why is it we never get invited to any of the nice parties?" Ethel asks. "Why should they waste an invitation?" Willy asks. "They know we're coming anyway!"

THE COLL-EGG-TIBLE EGGERS FAMILY: Chris Demarco of Oxford, GA supplies the inevitable "Saddam Egg-sein."

BARNEY GOOGLE & SNUFFY SMITH: Saturday, Snuffy gets on the right side of the law. "This gamblin is strictly legal!!" he tells Sheriff Tait. "Long as th' jedge here is winnin'!!"

LUANN: Luann and Bernice bicker about which of them assumes a lamer personality when talking about her love life. Both of you are equally lame. You know it, Greg Evans knows it, Funny Paper knows it. Spike this strip and bring on FoxTrot.

Sunday, Luann takes Aaron Hill on a tour of the "Land of Emotions." Next week, Aaron takes Luann on a tour of the "Land of Physical Sensations."

CLASSIC PEANUTS: Sunday, Peppermint Patty doesn't take Chuck anywhere. "Chuck just doesn't seem to understand a girl's emotions . . . " she muses, launching into a six-panel soliloquy about Charile Brown's emotional shortcomings. Working herself into a frenzy, she finishes her train of thought by banging on the Browns' door and announcing "I don't think you understand ANYTHING, Chuck!" "I don't even understand what it is I don't understand," he says helplessly.

SALLY FORTH: Sally gives Alice a week-long PSA on the value of having a mentor.

FAMILY CIRCUS: Dolly gives us an insight into Bil Keane's creative process Monday. "I've been writing check after check after check," she tells Billy, pencil poised over a sheet of paper covered with identical check marks. Substitute "cashing" for "writing," and you've got Behind the Family Circus.

Thursday, at story time, Billy rebukes Daddy for "overacting." We thought he was screaming and sputtering because his lap-full of kids was crushing his testes.

Saturday, Keane disrespects law enforcement, as Billy, dressed in an elaborately detailed police uniform, asks if there are any doughnuts to be had. Officers everywhere will be sharpening their pencils for Keane family drivers.

GASOLINE ALLEY: As Rufus works himself into a gibbering frenzy on his night-watching duties, a disembodied voice starts calling to him: "I is yo' po' old' departed gran'pappy speaking t' yo' from th' great beyond!" There's no shortage of apostrophes in Heaven, son!

HI & LOIS: Trixie watches the neighbors get violent. "Look at Mrs. Thurston helping Mr. T. out of his lawn chair," the tot thinks, gazing out the window Saturday. "I bet that hurt."

JUMBLE: "RESERVATIONS," A "SEA-BBATICAL," GET THE "SKINNY," "COLD" CASH, IT WAS "BORING" WORK, HER "PRIDE" AND JOY.

FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE: Michael learns that taking care of an infant is quite demanding. For worse!

GARFIELD: Monday, Garfield watches television. Broadcast television. No cable for Garfield. Old-school rabbit-ears antenna. Doesn't look like he even has UHF, just VHF.

BARNEY GOOGLE & SNUFFY SMITH: Friday, the parson makes a Temptation Island reference, leading Elviny to harp on his decadent lifestyle: "Toldja that wuz a TV antennee on his roof!!" No cable in Hootin' Holler, either.

THE BOONDOCKS: They have cable TV in The Boondocks. Monday, Caesar asks the question all America has been asking: "[D]o you think Celine Dion has ever driven a Chrysler?" Tuesday: Huey quotes John Swinton of the New York Times saying, "Our talents, or possibilities and our lives are all the property of other men. We are intellectual prostitutes." Then Huey accuses Brit Hume of wearing red "fuck me" pumps because he is a prostitute. Brit Hume is an intellectual?

Friday, Riley "Escobar" Freeman has watched enough TV news to conclude that he wants to be Riley "Uday" Freeman. "He'll also accept 'U- Dizzle," Huey reports to Caesar.

REX MORGAN, M.D.: June and Kit catch up, allowing Wilson & Nolan to work in expository character development. "[T]he longest I've kept a husband is eighteen months!" Kitty confesses Tuesday. "Uh . . . how many times have you been married?" June asks Wednesday. A: Four! Thursday, Kit confides that leading fertility specialists have told her "I'll never be a baby-maker!" Paging Dr. Morgan!

Saturday, the sound of baby Sarah calling "Hel-lo Mummy!" to June causes Kit to clap a hand to her mouth, overcome with emotion. Sunday, Kit does another guilt-take when June brings up the subject of the rude driver who splashed water on her Armani suit.

JUMP START: Newly affianced Maureen goes to the game with Romare. These old people are like, cuckolding each other.

DENNIS THE MENACE: The Menace is thwarted when he tries to signal a "time-out" while getting a time-out. Old-skool parental justice still reigns in the Mitchell household.

CATHY: Sunday's title panel presents a literalized drawing of Cathy's emotional baggage. "Self-doubt" is an especially large bag. An especially large, fat bag. An especially large, fat, wide-bottomed bag that no man would ever want to pick up.

MOMMA: Monday, Momma yearns for death.

HERB & JAMAAL: Tuesday, Herb shills for "Vita-Gulp 500" on TV, introducing himself as a "famed restauranteur [sic]."

DILBERT: Tuesday, Phil, the ruler of Heck, puts in an appearance. Funny Paper doesn't believe in Heck.

MOTHER GOOSE & GRIMM: Mike Peters presents a week of tedious gags about Grimm participating in an "Iron Dog Competition." Wednesday's gag, in which Grimm confuses "cross training" with "cross dressing," is probably the least tedious of the batch.

KUDZU: Monday, the Preacher reads that love beareth/believeth/hopeth/endureth all things. "Unlike Jennifer Lopez," he adds. Thay what? A perfunctory celebrity reference doth not a gag make, Marlette. Tuesday, the preacher does another of his uninteresting spiritual weather reports, as Kudzu sits in front of the TV, relegated to the role of passive observer in the strip that bears his name.

MARMADUKE: Wednesday, Marmaduke sits on the chair.

ZIPPY: Thursday, Zippy announces that the "all-donut diet" has sent his kidney into "donutosis." "Th' goal of th' all donut diet is just to achieve donutosis." See, Funny Paper believes in the all-donut diet.

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