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Funny Paper

I Remember Liking This in College

Feb. 3-9, 2003

By Scocca & MacLeod | Posted 2/12/2003

YOU CAN SCRAWL THAT AGAIN! DEP'T.: Doctors' poor penmanship causes pharmacy mixups in both Ziggy and Dilbert. The former gets a pie in the face; the latter gets mood-enhancing pills to treat a skin rash.

YOU CAN WATCH THAT AGAIN! DEP'T: Sally Forth and Zippy both name-check Law & Order.

FAMILY CIRCUS CAPTION SO DAMNING WE CAN'T EVEN BRING OURSELVES TO MAKE A JOKE ABOUT IT DEP'T.: "That shampoo won't wash the DNA out of my hair, will it?"

NEW YORK TIMES CROSSWORD SAYS WHAT WE CAN'T SAY DEP'T.: BEERY, DAD, LEERAT, LITTLESHAVER, PSST, LETME, STRIPS, BARE, AGAPE, ALLINALATHER, CRIES, RINSE, FLATDENIAL, INHERITANCE.

SUN CROSSWORD SAYS WHAT THE NEW YORK TIMES CROSSWORD SAID DEP'T.: BATHE, TOTS, DAD, SEES, DINK, YANKS, CLEAN, AMINOACID, HELIX, SNIVEL, LIES, NOSOAP.

NON SEQUITUR: Monday, a woodchuck sits on a bench holding a "Will see my shadow for food" sign. It's almost a triumph for Wiley, having had the courage to peg a strip to the day after Groundhog Day. But people don't want the groundhog to see his shadow. Oh, well.

FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE: The family agonizes over the repercussions of April's romantic awakening with bandmate Gerald. "You know the 'facts of life," Elly says in a mother-daughter chat Friday. "You've read the articles. you have all the information. I just wanted to say that we trust you to think before you act, to respect yourself and others . . . and always be able to say 'I made the right decision'." Saturday, as the parents settle in to sleep, John picks up the squidgy Canadian-socialist appease-the-adolescents rhetoric. "They see so much on TV, in the magazines, in the movies . . . It's no wonder kids lose control!" For Gerald, for better!

GASOLINE ALLEY: Monday, Walt brings his newfound guardian angel Wynston home to meet Phyllis. But Tuesday, the angel is missing. "I was afraid of this!" she says Wednesday. "You've gone crazy!" "Wynston! Where are you?" Walt hollers, fleeing wide-eyed from the house. It's Touched in the Head by an Angel!

MARY WORTH: Dr. Jeff is outraged at the state that Silas "Smitty" Smedlap has left Mary in. "Say the word and I'll be there in thirty minutes and feed your neighbor a fist sandwich, Mary!" he offers Monday. Alas, instead of senior fisticuffs, we get three more days of people jabbering on the phone and driving around. Finally, Friday, the long-awaited surprise meeting between Silas and his estranged daughter Connie convenes. Why, he demands, has she closed his old chophouse in Chatham? "We closed for three weeks so Andy can clean and do some painting!" Connie says Sunday. That's it? A mixup over renovations? Waiter, a platter of fist sandwiches all around!

BLONDIE: Sunday, Dagwood goes almost two hours without eating.

LUANN: Bernice hacks Brad's e-mail account so she can cyber-stalk Zane.

JUMP START: Joe tries to make Marcy get rid of her mountains of catalogs.

ZIPPY: Saturday, Zippy and Griffy ponder the power of high-definition television. "Look! You can see that the view outside the office windows on 'Law & Order' is just a big, blurry photo-montage!" the pinhead exclaims. "Hmmm . . ." Griffy says. " . . . I never noticed th' shadow lines on all th' drawing in 'The Simpsons.'" You don't need HDTV to see the detail on The Simpsons. Hater.

DOONESBURY: The crew worries about deflation.

JUMBLE: GOT THE "BUGS" OUT, WORKING FOR IT, FISHING, THE DOOR, QUITE A STIR, HIS FITNESS "PEAK".

B.C.: Saturday, Wiley's Dictionary defines "trollops" as "street car conductor groupies." Funny Paper almost wants to respect Johnny Hart for that. But we can't.

HERB & JAMAAL: Monday, Stephen Bentley demonstrates that women are gabby and men are not so gabby.

"Doc, it hurts whenever I do this," Herb says Saturday. "Stop doing that," the medico replies. Exactly. Stop doing that.

ONE BIG HAPPY: Tuesday and Wednesday, Ruthie appoints herself "playground lady deputy." "Chief, do you want me to take him behind the dumpster and work him over?" she asks the playground monitor Wednesday. "Kiss the wall and spread 'em, baby!" she hollers. Friday, Joe shoots a suction-cup arrow at a blank piece of paper. "Bull's-eye!" he exults. When Cylene objects, Ruthie tells her to hush. "He hasn't drawn it yet!" she explains. That boy has a future!

APARTMENT 3-G: Abandoned by her friends because she's such a selfish bitch, Margo kicks the furniture and gets loaded on Kahlua. "I remember liking this in college," she thinks on Friday, sloshing it into a jumbo coffee cup. "Mmm . . . I still like it." Sunday, she starts putting on lipstick, then passes out sideways across the bed. The last two panels are a drunken vision, with a dotted border, in which her birth mother assumes the guise of a fortuneteller and tells her to stop being a selfish bitch.

CURTIS: Ray Billingsley celebrates Black History Month by presenting a new feature: "Unknown Facts in Black History." Monday: "Mgangha--['Toby']--reportedly the first man sold into slavery--coined the popular phrase: 'Som' days it don't pay t' git outta bed.'" Funny Paper is going to take a pass on explaining this one.

THE COLL-EGG-TIBLE EGGERS FAMILY: Baltimore's Chardai Stokes, age 11, wins with "Eggs-otic"--a drawing of a plus-sized egg-woman, complete with egg-cleavage, wearing a heart-printed muu-muu and pink hair scrunchies. How is that eggs-otic?

MARK TRAIL: Cherry agrees to adopt Sweetie Pie, the unwelcome pet deer, so that Tom and Judy can replace it with an adopted child. Wednesday, Mark comes home, so Rusty and Cherry can retell the whole sordid deer-and-domestic-violence tale. Saturday, Mark delivers some news of his own. "How would all of you like to go to Alaska?" he asks. "ALASKA!" a giant speech balloon replies.

Sunday's featured animal: the cute but menacing giant Brazilian river otter. "[W]hen working together, they can take down a caiman, or even an anaconda . . . . Brazil's giant otters are helping the economy, as they are luring tourists to their unspoiled, biodiverse waterscape." Yeah--luring them to their doom.

CATHY: Cathy goes through her Valentine's Day warmup exercises: Monday, covetousness; Tuesday, inability to communicate with men; Wednesday, neediness; Thursday, gluttony; Friday, lovelessness; Saturday, inability to communicate with men; Sunday, crippling feelings of inadequacy. Only five more days till the big event!

KUDZU: Veranda Tadsworth makes an appearance, in full cheerleader garb.

FAMILY CIRCUS: Friday, Billy endorses the Bush Administration's economic plan. "Striking for more money?" he says, staring at picketers on the TV. "When I need more money I just go to Grandma."

SALLY FORTH: Hilary discovers that her friend Stacy only comes over so she can watch cable TV.

DENNIS THE MENACE: Dennis plays in the snow all week, with a time-out Tuesday for pegging Margaret with a snowball.

THE PHANTOM: "The Phantom has found the downed aviators," Monday's kickoff caption explains. After intimidating them with his pet "mountain wolf," the Ghost Who Calls the Shots offers to take them to "the nearest Wambesi village." They ask if he can hook them up with the Rhodian military search party instead, seeing as the Rhodians have a helicopter and all. Smiling mysteriously, the Phantom agrees.

Sunday, "Raz" Rakowski's henchman Jerry reels from last week's snakebite. "It's a kijuru snake! Poison is deadly!" the Phantom yells, to heighten the panic. But when Rakowski takes a potshot at the serpent, it vanishes. "It's just another illusion, then," the Ghost Who Jumped to Herpetological Conclusions decides. "But I'm--I'm still feeling dizzy!" Jerry the Henchman protests. "Next week: more mysteries!"

HAL FOSTER'S PRINCE VALIANT: Coincidence on the high seas! Yuan Chen--"the gentle scholar from Cathay"--urges Prince Valiant to steer the trireme toward the erupting volcano, just as Aleta and the Fishburgers are fleeing the destruction of Ichthyopolis in the emperor's stolen warships. "The children are put to work dousing the embers that fall like rain." Meanwhile, the non-hijacked portion of the Imperial Navy, smelling a rat, sets out to intercept the escaping vessels. A giant splash panel, with lurid volcano-pink sky, lays out the whole four-way interaction of imperial forces, Icthyopolitans, Chinese-reconstructed ancient trireme, and volcanic debris. Seagulls circle, waiting for a rare cooked meal. "Next week: The Art of War."

REX MORGAN, M.D.: With the help of faithful, turban-wearing cabby Sasha--"Pull harder, Sasha . . . Every second counts!"--Rex drags the rabbit-fever-stricken John to the snowbound hospital. "I'm a physician with a dying man!" he thunders, throwing open the emergency-room doors Tuesday. "We need help!" By Thursday, the rabbit fever has broken; by Sunday, Rex has recovered from his ski exertions and is feeling frisky. "Sasha's waiting downstairs," June says. "He's got another cab!" "He can wait a minute!" Rex smiles, preparing to apply 20 cc of tongue to his attending nurse. Yeah, what's another minute? Faithful Sasha has been running the meter all night!

CLASSIC PEANUTS: The late Charles Schulz celebrates Black History Month by bringing in Franklin for a two-day engagement.

MARMADUKE: Marmaduke steals a pizza.

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